Schism Community News

Schism Community News

Volume One

Valeria, Editor in Chief

Issue #1
Issue #2

Issue #3
Issue #4

Issue #5
Issue #6

Issue #7
Issue #8

Issue #9
Special Commemorative Issue

Letters to the Editor

Volume One, Issue One
reported by the Mad Peck, Doc Daniels, I.C. Lotz and the Front Porch

Schism Community News is pleased to announce the engagement of Hayley to Holli. The bride is a lifelong native of Texas, but is a lovely human being nonetheless. The other bride is a well-known artist, socialite and doyenne of the exclusive nightclub Indalia's Box. The wedding date is tentatively scheduled for whenever Ms. Hayley returns from her vacation in California.

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Today's lunch menu is chicken fried steak, tater tots, side vegetable of ketchup, pear halves and tapioca pudding for dessert. Owing to certain unfortunate past incidents in the cafeteria, we will no longer be offering canned peaches.

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The Schism Lampreys will have their away game against the Eleven Cents Electric Eels next Sunday afternoon at 2 p.m. Show up at the hockey pitch in your Schism colors of puce and chartreuse, and root, root, root for the home team with all the spirit you've got. Go, Lampreys, go. Rah. Attendance will be taken.

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The biweekly meeting of Lutheran Librarian Liquor-Loving Literature-Loathing Listmistresses (L-7) will be held this Thursday at 10 p.m., in the basement of the Mighty Fortress Is Our God And Send All the Filthy Papists to Hell Church. This meeting's Table Talk will feature Rachel on the topic of "Oh Lord, Why Do My Fellow List Moderators See Fit to Persecute Me?" Screenings of the movies Untamed Heart and Her Desperate Choice to follow.

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The Lovers of Frank and Tim (LOFT) will be holding their charter meeting in the food court of the Wonderama Shopping Mall, 3 p.m. this Wednesday. The keynote speaker will be Pamela Rose, speaking on the subject of "Standing Together Defiant, Proud and Strong Against the Persecution of a Witless Fan Base." The afternoon will also feature a reading from Dorothy Parker's "Arrangement in Black and White," and a singalong from the official LOFT songbook. Hecklers will be IMMEDIATELY ejected from the premises.

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This week's meeting of the LewKel Lovers has been postponed owing to the president's vacation. The meeting has been rescheduled for two weeks from this Friday. The Flint Blood Bank is open on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. It is closed Saturdays and Sundays.

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The weekly meeting of the Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists' Society will be held this Tuesday at 8 p.m., in the basement of the Young Women's Pagan Association. The scheduled topic of discussion is "Leonardo Dicaprio: Threat or Menace?" Co-chairs Maggie and Valeria remind members that nothing in this sorry life is free, so please remember your $5 membership dues.

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The Society of Lurkers will hold their weekly meeting sometime or other, at an undisclosed location. They'd say more about it, but they're shy.

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Do you like music? Do you like swing and big band so red-hot it's downright cool? Then check out the vocal stylings of the two-and-only Silvermoon Sisters this coming Saturday, 9 p.m. at the Merrillville Star Plaza Theatre. Thrill as those plucky gals give their own, utterly unique interpretations of such classics as "Chattanooga Choo-Choo," "Fly Me to the Moon," "We'll Meet Again" and the entire Yma Sumac back catalogue. Opening for the Sisters will be standup comedian Richard Belzer, performing his imitation of a French cabaret singer doing Bob Dylan for about the nine hundredth goddamn time.

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The poet Redell will be giving a reading at the WOMB Bookstore, Coffeehouse, Performance Space and Parking Garage this Friday at 2 p.m., book signing to follow. Please keep in mind that her employment of razor blades, battery acid, chocolate syrup and alfalfa sprouts is all just part of the act. Complaints may be left in the comment box by the front door.

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Schism Community News welcomes readers' comments and suggestions; please send them to our editor at loki@netnitco.net. See you next week!

Volume One, Issue Two
reported by the Mad Peck, Doc Daniels, I.C. Lotz and the Front Porch

The most recent meeting of the Lovers of Frank and Tim (LOFT) experienced a bizarre disruption this past Wednesday. Wonderama Mall security guards were called to the scene after LOFTies reported that a blond man in a jumpsuit, accompanied by what appeared to be two makeshift puppets, was heckling random members nonstop.

Police identified the heckler as one Michael J. Nelson, a temp worker from Eden Prairie, Minnesota. Upon his arrest for disorderly conduct, Mr. Nelson claimed that his activities were meant entirely in a spirit of fun and, furthermore, that his two "companions" would vouch for this fact. The victimized LOFTies, however, were not so amused.

"This is an outrage," fumed Candy, LOFT's acting Chairwoman of the C&B Torture and Refreshments Committee. "I'll see that little bastard hang if it's the last thing I ever do. No one makes fun of the LOFTies and lives to tell about it, you understand? *No one.*" LOFT president Pamela Rose limited her comments to the hope that justice would be "swift, severe and merciless."

Mr. Nelson pled guilty to a misdemeanor charge, and was sentenced to watch fifteen episodes from the seventh H:LOTS season. Court onlookers reported that he seemed "oddly pleased" with the judge's decision.

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The LewKel Lovers will hold their offical induction of new members on Tuesday at 8 p.m., in the atrium of the Chemical Bank building, right by the huge abstract sculpture that may or may not be meant to represent a vagina, the Letters to the Editor page is still ferociously debating it. Members are once again reminded that a sister LKL accidentally exploding out of her bustier is an occasion for sympathy, not juvenile giggling.

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Today's lunch menu is chicken a la king, julienne fries, asparagus tips smothered in Velveeta, mandarin oranges and deep-fried apple fritters. No running from table to table, no horseplay, no spitting at the lunch ladies because you got there too late and they ran out of your precious tater tots. This means YOU!

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The controversial performance artist Marti will be appearing at the Joliet Correctional Facility's Starlight Rumpus Room on Friday, 11 p.m., to debut her latest work, "Duran-A-Go-Go!" Come on out and watch the vixenish Virginia virtuoso as she simultaneously portrays every member of the immortal pop supergroup, while offering a scathing subtextual indictment of the current political regime in Upper Volta. Warning: This show contains full frontal nudity and Moog synthesizers; parental discretion is strongly advised.

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Schism Community Theater is pleased to announce the premiere of "RED RUM! RED RUM!", Emma the Great's musical adaptation of Stephen King's lighthearted tale "The Shining." Come watch art imitate life as Rachel portrays an abusive, would-be professional writer gradually succumbing to an all-consuming psychosis. Also starring Valeria as the whiny, long-suffering wife; Hayley as the weird-ass little kid who could use a good dose of military school; Maggie and Marti as the creepy twins that would make Diane Arbus run away screaming; Gage as the guy in the chipmunk costume, what the holy hell was Kubrick smoking; and in her stage debut, Beth as the kindly, well-meaning and therefore doomed Scatman Crothers character. Stick around during intermission, and watch special guest Austin Pendleton perform his steel-drum renditions of the smash hits "Wendy, I Think Ya Hurt Me," "Hey, There's Blood in the Elevator!" and "Talkin' Index Finger Blues." The family fun starts this Monday at 9 p.m.!

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Standup comedian Richard Belzer will be signing copies of his most recent book, "I'm Famous and Have a House in France, So You Should Believe Every Patently Idiotic Theory I Have About the JFK Assassination," on Friday from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m., in the basement of Jack Palance Junior High School. Accompanying him will be Paul Schaffer on harmonica and Harlee McBride's breasts. Bring your own goddamn pens.

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The Tim Bayliss Legal Defense Fund will hold its charter meeting on Saturday at 7 p.m., in the Magic Fingers Room of the Hotel De Love. Keynote speaker will be Valeria, addressing the topic of "Gee, I Guess I Shouldn't Have Slept Through That Intro to Criminal Law Class After All." Defense Fund co-chair Marti will perform a special interpretative dance. Do not be alarmed; she's just naturally exuberant.

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The Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists' Society will hold its monthly Hellfire Sabbat on Saturday, at the stroke of midnight, in a location to be announced later this week in our secret code language. Age statement required. Please be warned that showing up in a Billie Lou costume will have dire and long-lasting consequences.

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For those who have forgotten them or pretend they have, here once again are the lyrics to the Official Schism Fight Song:

Schism, Schism, rah rah rah,
With a yippie-yi-yay and a tra-la-la!
Puce and chartreuse, colors dear,
Wear them all the live-long year.
Wave those banners, wave them high,
Wave them up into the sky.
We've got spirit, yes we do!
We've got spirit, koo-koo-ka-choo!

(Lyrics by Cole Porter; reprinted with permission)

The next pep rally will be held at the Steve Crosetti Memorial Aquarium and Rock Quarry on Monday, 11 a.m. Failure to sing along will result in detention.

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Schism Community News welcomes readers' comments and suggestions; that's the polite thing to say, anyhow. Until next time, aloha and shalom!

Volume One, Issue Three
reported by the Mad Peck, Doc Daniels, I.C. Lotz and the Front Porch

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We regret to report that the Schism field trip to the Monongahee Dairy Cooperative has been canceled until further notice. It really is too bad that a small group of troublemakers had to spoil it for everyone, but if you cannot learn to behave like grown-up ladies and gentlemen, there will be consequences. We sincerely doubt that Mrs. Hufnagel found your little "practical joke" to be at ALL funny, and the goat didn't look particularly thrilled either. I bet the President wouldn't think it was funny, either. You all make me sick.

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Today's lunch menu is processed fish sticks, creamed corn, tomato soup, canned pineapple chunks and vanilla pudding. Sorry, but the Tim Bayliss Zen Master collectible drinking glass is sold out until further notice. The Mike Kellerman Big Beatdown Boozer collectible drinking glass is first-come, first-served. You may have all the Billie Lou Hatfield Cherry-Bustin' Wanger-Bender collectible drinking glasses your heart could possibly desire. Please. Take them. We're begging you.

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The Sisterhood of Slashsluts (tm) and the Beau Felton Memorial Society presents its joint symposium, "Bondage! Bondage! Yaaay, BONDAGE!" on Wednesday at 9 p.m., near that fountain in the Wonderama Shopping Mall with the colored lights that you thought looked really cool when you were a little kid. Domme Hayley, Lady Jackie and Mistress Marti will field questions from the audience, give practical hands-on demonstrations, and discuss topics including "Scarfs, Ropes, Handcuffs...How *Do* I Decide?", "To Gag or Not to Gag," "The Most Unforgettable Autoerotic Asphyxiator I Ever Met, " and "My My My, I Love to Hog-Tie!" Hecklers will be soundly and most satisfactorily thrashed.

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The Church of the Divine Revealed Pembleton will be holding confirmation classes starting this Thursday at 4 p.m., in the asp of St. Stanislaus Church, Sister Magdalena Weber presiding. Supplicants will be expected to have the following sections of the Baltimore Catechism memorized:

The Five Joyous Frank Mysteries:
Frank Is Born. Frank Is Instilled with Fiery Manhood by the Jesuits. Frank Drinks Coffee for the First Time. Frank Meets Mary. Frank Meets Tim.

The Five Sorrowful Frank Mysteries:
Frank Loses His Faith. Frank Has a Stroke. Frank Loses His Partner. Frank Is Separated from His Wife. Frank Leaves the Force.

The Five Glorious Frank Mysteries:
Frank Receives an Emmy at Long Last. Frank Is Proven to Be As Essential to the Show As Breathing. Frank Is Revived by Fanfic Authors. Frank Is Assumed Bodily Into Fanfic Heaven. The Spirit of Frank Causes Fanficcers Everywhere to Speak in Many Tongues and Wander the Earth, Proselytizing for the Faith.

The first supplicant to also memorize the Litany to the Blessed Partner Tim will receive a lovely silver rosary. This will prove once and for all that God is listening.

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The Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists' Society will be holding its Hey, He Said Defensively, I Needed the Damn Money Film Festival starting this Friday at 9 p.m. Come enjoy the sorry spectacle of Richard Belzer in "Night Shift," "The Wrong Guys," "Puppet Masters 5" and as one of the phone-sex masturbators in "Girl 6"; Jerry Orbach in "Foreplay," "Dead Women in Lingerie" and "The Adventures of a Gnome Named Gnorm"; and Austin Pendleton in "Mr. Nanny," "Guarding Tess" and "The Mirror Has Two Faces." Save your ticket stub, and you'll be eligible for entry in our Medicine Cabinet Cornucopia Drawing!

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The charter meeting of Off-Topic Posters Anonymous will be held this Thursday at 7 p.m., in the back room of the Rickie Lee Jones Last Chance Texaco Truck Stop and Big n'Tall Boutique. Vali H. and Bill W. will lead a discussion in which members admit they are powerless to control their tendency to wander hopelessly off the subject, to be immediately followed by a discussion of how history might have been different if Hitler could fly, and who first looked at maxi-pads and decided they *needed* wings, anyway?

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The Schism Debating Society will meet on Tuesday at 6:30 p.m., in the fabulous Boom Boom Room of the Royal Albert Hall. The topic of debate: "Resolved: Krycek Is Nothing But a Big Dink." Arguing for the resolution will be Rachel ; arguing against the resolution will be Marti. Cake, cookies, Jello molds and weird green punch to follow.

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The Parodists' League will hold its weekly meeting this Sunday at 2 p.m. in the Seven-Eleven, right next to the beef jerky display. Please have your chosen eighteenth- or nineteenth-century novel and ALL character parallels ready for discussion. Discussion will be held in Ancien Regime French, Nadsat and the "secret Harriet the Spy" sign language my best friend in third grade and I made up. In the unlikely event of an armed robbery, please remain calm and surrender your Penguin classics with a cheerful heart.

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Schism Community News welcomes your comments and contributions; please leave them in the suggestion box at loki@netnitco.net. Until next time, so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!

SCHISM COMMUNITY NEWS
Volume One, Issue Five
reported by the Mad Peck, Doc Daniels, I.C. Lotz and the Front Porch

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The Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishist's Society is reeling after the brutal attack on their founder and current co-chair Valeria. While walking home from the Wonderama Mall Whippy-Dip this past Tuesday, she was set upon by a gang of nearly a dozen squinty-eyed thugs, all wielding whiffle bats and chanting the ominous refrain "Why won't you love me, David Duchovny?" The 5'2" Valeria fought back with a set of brass knuckles and a rolled-up copy of "Motorbooty," but got the stuffing punched out of her just the same. In the course of the ensuing melee, her bicycle pump also got caught in her trouser leg and her fruitcake was damaged on one side. The attack ended when a six-year-old child came Rollerblading down the street and said "Hi! What are you guys doing?", causing the thugs to panic and run away. Though she was alert and able to walk, Valeria insisted upon being airlifted to Our Lady of Perpetual Showboating Hospital, where she remains in stable condition.

Schism Community News has learned that a group calling itself the "David Duchovny Estrogen Brigade" claims responsibility for the attack. According to experts at the Cult Awareness Network, the group considers Duchovny, a poker-faced, self-absorbed actor of minimal dramatic range, to be the reincarnation of Himinhrjot, a giant ox whose head was used as fishing bait by the Norse god Thor. Valeria, who had made numerous derogatory remarks about Duchovny during a speech before the International Sisterhood of Axe-Grinders and Grudge-Carriers Local 709, allegedly received numerous threatening phone calls in the week before the attack, but forgot to check her answering machine and was thus unable to notify police.

Police have reportedly detained Invisigoth "Goth" Too, a regional DDEB ringleader with an extensive criminal record, for questioning in the case. Sheriff Marge Gunderson, who notes that Goth was seen at the Wonderama Whippy-Dip mere days before the attack, called the DDEB "a real buncha loonies, y'know? I mean, we're talking chock full o'nuts here." When questioned about the progress of the case, Police Commissioner Gordon merely looked vague and declared, "I have my own resources."

The Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists' Society held a candlelight vigil last night outside the hospital, singing Neil Young's "Old Man" and the Beatles' "When I'm Sixty-Four." Society co-chair and provisional consigliere Maggie then read a statement from Valeria, in which she expressed hope that the attack "will give me that martyr status I've always been gunning for--I mean, I *am* Catholic, you know." Members of the Society of Slashsluts then arrived unexpectedly, bearing a layer cake baked in the shape of Clark Johnson's head, and the vigil dissolved in confusion.

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Today's lunch menu is chicken noodle soup, cheese pizza, that green bean casserole thing that the Durkee company forces us to make every Thanksgiving, fruit cocktail in heavy syrup and blueberry pie. In order that all of our young ladies and gentlemen will grow up to become model citizens and not machine-gun our aging viscera all over the brand new parking lot tarmac, we are posting copies of the lyrics to Metallica's "Master of Puppets" on every available cafeteria wall. Freedom and individual expression are all well and good, but never forget to come crawling faster, obey your master, and bow to Leper Messiah!

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Temple Munch-El will be holding its Purim in July celebration this coming Thursday starting at 9 a.m., in the main parking lot of the Hotel De Love. Join with us as we read the sacred Megilla detailing the Bawlmerites' triumph over the evil King Fontana, break our Taanit Kay fast with delicious Sassataschen, and then proceed to get drunk on our G-d-fearing asses. Remember to bring your noisemakers!

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The Schism Toy Company has announced recalls on several products, which may be returned to the store where purchased for a full refund. The recalled toys are as follows:

*The Mouthy Munchkin Windup Doll, model number 87123-AB7: Logorrhea Circuit Breaker malfunctions, causing doll to talk incessantly and nonstop and drive users screaming from the house for their very lives.

*The Kay Howard-Megan Russert Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Fighting Robots Set, model number 774-C19: Russert robot does not move when activated, but just stands there looking distinctly smug. Howard robot grows frustrated and flies out of the boxing ring altogether.

*The Frank Pembleton Mr. Volcano Head Doll, model number 01974: Exploding skull sprays caustic liquid on user and renders doll immobile. Voice card activates at excessively loud volume, frightening pets and small children.

*The Meldrick Lewis-Barbara Shivers Punch and Judy Puppet Theater, model number 64789: Barbara Shivers puppet inexplicably missing from all sold sets.

*The J.H. Brodie My First Camcorder, model number 52198-J7: Look, we swear to God we have *no idea* how that particular tape wound up in there, we're a family-oriented company and we're just as embarrassed as you are. Just tell your kids they were playing dress-up and leave it at that, okay?

*The Totally Nipples Laura Ballard Doll, model number 25-34B: Sight of toy induced nausea, vomiting and severe pustulent rash.

*The George Griscom Autopsy Kit, model number 33T-749: Takeout food included in kits moldy and rancid. Griscom doll voice card defective, causing doll's only dialogue to be the sentence "Wait'll they get a load of *ME!*"

*The Gordon Pratt-Luke Ryland Whodunit Board Game, model number 97-A49: Game precipitated such lengthy and bitter arguments among players that, you know, it's just not worth it.

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The radical poetess Redell, best known for her groundbreaking, free-form nude performance piece "Ball of Lard, Shepherd of the False One," will kick off her comeback tour this Friday at 7 p.m., on the steps of the Meryl Hansen Memorial Courthouse. Though details of the much-anticipated show are shrouded in secrecy, it will reportedly open with fellow performance artist Hayley Douglas playing a ukulele version of "Look What They've Done to My Brain, Ma" and then getting her arms and legs broken by Redell, who will proceed to cry, say she didn't mean it and set off a volley of highly symbolic airhorns. Tickets go on sale this Monday at 3 p.m.; those who get front-row seats are strongly advised to bring rain gear, safety glasses and a large supply of chum.

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Schism VFW Local 1561 is proud to present, in a one-night-only concert event, Jenn Allebach's The Ani Difranco Experience. Jenn Allebach *is* Ani Difranco, the onetime fiery righteous babe with a punk-folk guitar and a hiccuping yodel worthy of Alanis Morrissette on methedrine, now apparently destined to end her days as just another chick singer warbling about the men who rock her socks. Jenn captures it all, from the Medusa hair to the goofy giggle to the would-be political songs that somehow always center around the pronouns "I," "me," "myself" and "mine"... just take out your contact lenses and you'll swear she's the real deal! Special appearance by Mary Schons as the outraged, slightly unbalanced fangrrl who attends each concert solely to scream "You SUCK, you goddamn SELLOUT!" during every pause in the onstage patter. Opening for Ms. Allebach will be Rachel , the hard-drinking, hard-living torch singer immortalized in the Eleven Cents Examiner as "the Fanny Brice of the Flatlands," belting out flawless Norwegian-language versions of those Barnes and Barnes classics "Fish Heads" and "Party in My Pants." Admission is five dollars at the door, seven at the curb, free if you sit on Uncle Morty's lap and giggle suggestively.

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Schism Community News encourages readers to search its archives at http://schism.tktv.net/newslett.html; those who wish to complain may either mutter their grievances under their breath or send them to our editor-in-chief at loki@netnitco.net. Until next time, drive safely, rewind all your videotapes and leave that refrozen corned beef well enough alone. Sayonara!

SCHISM COMMUNITY NEWS
Volume One, Issue Six
reported by the Mad Peck, Doc Daniels, I.C. Lotz and the Front Porch

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Schism Community News regrets to report that one of the most insidious communicable diseases in all of recorded history is again threatening the general public. Dr. Eli Devilbliss, head of the Schism Board of Public Health and a former Mr. Anne Arundel County, has confirmed that nearly a dozen patients at local area hospitals have been diagnosed with Fontana's Syndrome.

The first recorded case of Fontana's Syndrome was noted in 1679 by colonial physician Eliphalet Griscom, who wrote in his "Journalle of Manie Weird-Asse Maladies" of a patient who exhibited "manie violent swinges in moode, and hath degenerated from geniusse to idiote seemingly overnighte, and hath made many strange and delirious pleas that a more 'fornicatable' midwife than the goode Purity Howard be sent to tende to him. Fortunately, he swiftly fled to the armes of his Maker and lefte mee in blessed peace and quiete. My God, why dost Thou see fit to burden me with such wearisomme jackasses as he for patientes? Better that I minister to those already deade and gonne..."

"Fontana's cursed poxe"--named in honor of its first known victim, a syphilitic cabin boy and whorehouse donkey-show trainer--was relatively rare until the late twentieth century, when the invention of commercial television became the vector for several explosive FS epidemics. Symptoms of this terrible disease include a weakened immune system, deep depression, fits of anger alternating with bouts of despair-ridden weeping, constipation, homicidal tendencies, paranoid and misogynistic hallucinations, and delusions of immense genius combined with a sudden, precipitious drop in IQ. Spread by audiovisual contact, FS has an incubation period of up to twenty-two weeks and is most prevalent during the months of January, May and September.

Dr. Devilbliss further stated that four of the new FS patients had contacted an especially severe strain of the illness. Autocratic-Fanatic Fontana's Syndrome (AFFS) leads its victims to declare themselves the world's foremost living experts on everything television-related, and to resort to obscenities and violence when anyone else dares disagree. These patients have been placed in a specially designed quarantine unit at St. Eligius Hospital, but their recovery is further complicated by the fact that no doctor or nurse can stand to be around them.

Unfortunately, at this time there is no effective treatment for FS. The Brand-Falsey vaccine, thought in the late 1980s to be the most promising new drug for the disease, ultimately proved too weak to withstand the FS "superstrain" spread throughout the community by the advent of the Home Box Office network. The Wolf Pharmaceutical Corporation has announced work on a Synthetic Viral Uprooter (SVU) that attacks the disease's genetic structure, but clinical trial results are still inconclusive.

When asked how potentially damaging he thought this latest FS outbreak might prove to be, Dr. Devilbliss let out a bleak, bitter laugh and asked, apparently rhetorically, "Have you ever read Stephen King's 'The Stand'?" He then hastened to explain he was only kidding, burst into tears and ran from the room clutching a small bag of camphor and a copy of Defoe's "Journal of the Plague-Year" to his chest. Schism Community News will keep its readers updated on all subsequent developments.

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Today's lunch menu is lentil soup, chicken pot pie, stewed tomatoes, honeydew melon sections and chocolate pudding with extra skin on top. Due to the mysterious fumes which are still permeating the east wing of the school building, the marching band will hold its rehearsals in the cafeteria during lunch hours for the next six weeks. Students are reminded that the tuba is a wonderfully expressive, evocative musical instrument and NOT your personal trash receptacle. Any repeats of last Wednesday's spit-valve "William Tell" incident will result in immediate suspension.

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The Schism University Folklore Association holds its monthly seminar this Tuesday starting at 1 p.m., in the newly remodeled Dingo Ate My Baby Room of the Hotel de Love. Scheduled to appear at the seminar are Dr. Jackie and Professor Redell, who will present their joint research thesis "Mike Giardello: The Urban Legend That Intrigued No One"; Valeria, holder of the Rachel Howard Memorial Chair in Munchenkay Studies, who will speak on her discovery that Laura Ballard is, in fact, the mysterious "goat-sucker" of ancient Mexican mythology; and Schism University Press editor Beth Ina, who will yet again present her paper "Goddammit, There Was *So* a Secretary Named Judy!" Reception to follow, featuring delicious lemon-lime punch and cookies baked in the shape of the legendary Barnfather stickman.

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The Society of Slashsluts (tm) and Hetsmut Nation will hold an ecumenical breakfast and story reading this Friday at 9 a.m., right by the giant boysenberry syrup dispenser at the Wonderama Mall Fabulous Flapjacks Hut. Slashsluts are reminded that shouting "Boorrrr-*ING!*" during a Hetchick presentation is not only exceedingly rude, but may constitute a violation of Title VII if the Supreme Court does not decide in our favor. Hetchicks are asked to please refrain from testing everyone's patience with comments like, "But those two characters aren't even gay!" Following the breakfast and readings, Friends of Lewis and Kellerman (FOLK) president Hayley is back by popular demand with more of her secret household hints...this week, getting those stubborn and *very* suspicious stains off cloth, vinyl *and* leather backseat upholstery!

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The Church of the Divine Revealed Pembleton will be starting confirmation classes 3 p.m. this Friday at St. Stanislaus Church. Please remember your white gloves and fedoras; *only* proper ladies' gloves with cotton stitching on the knuckle are acceptable to Our Frank. A homburg is *not* an acceptable substitute for a fedora, and any student found wearing one will be expelled from class immediately.

Students in the general catechism class are reminded they must have the following prayers memorized by next week's session:

Act of Contrition

Oh my Frank, I am heartily sorry for behaving like a stupid rookie; because I deserve the eternal pains of a partnership with Higby, but most of all because I have offended thee my Frank, who art all-knowing and sees the world as the criminals do see it. I firmly resolve, with the help of thy constant yelling and screaming, to do penance, to avoid the occasions of acting like some sort of know-it-all, and to stay out of thy face forevermore. Amen.

The Bawlmer Creed

I believe in Giardello, lieutenant almighty, protector of detectives from bosses; and in Frank Pembleton, his protege, who was schooled in the academy, promoted to murder police, suffered a stroke, saw his partner shot and resigned. He descended into written-out character limbo; immediately he rose again from the dead. He ascended into fanfic heaven and sits at the right hand of Kay, sergeant most undefiled; from there he shall come to judge the rookie and the veteran. I believe in the divine spirit of Frank, the city of Bawlmer, the communion of fandom, the provision of strong coffee, the resurrection of abandoned characters and partnership with Tim everlasting. Amen.

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The Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists' Society is pleased to announce that its annual Munchkin Madness Celebration Days will be held September 20-22. The ceremonial spliff will be lit on August 30, and passed hand to hand as it makes its journey to the Bongwater Pavilion for opening ceremonies. Watch for the spliff-bearers as they make the run through *your* town, barely one step ahead of those pesky DEA agents! Keep reading Schism Community News for a full schedule of Munchkin Madness events.

As preparations get underway, the Society is happy to accept any and all volunteer workers from the public at large. Come on out and install electrical wiring in the blazing August sunlight, negotiate stories-high scaffolding without the aid of an OSHA-required harness, trudge from pillar to post ass-kissing all the necessary officials to get those special-event permits, and serve cool drinks to established Society members lounging around the pool as a way to show *your* support for everything Munch! Sign up today!

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Schism Community News reminds all you new college freshmen contemplating journalism careers that if you want to see reporting at its finest, your first stop should be our archives at http://schism.tktv.net/newslett.html. Letters, questions, complaints and free money may be sent to our editor-in-chief at loki@netnitco.net. Until next time, Remember the Maine!

Volume One, Issue Seven
reported by the Mad Peck, Doc Daniels, I.C. Lotz and the Front Porch

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A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR:

Schism Community News would like to take this opportunity to present an open apology to all readers of our most recent Sunday supplement, and to all those who accessed our website at www.big-scoop.org on the same date. We wish to assure our loyal readers that the transcripts, drawings and screen captures which were presented both in the magazine supplement and on our website are in no way representative of how Schism Community News ordinarily conducts business, and in fact are solely the result of a fateful encounter between a newly-hired office boy with no journalistic experience and an embittered, washed-up temp worker with an axe to grind. Mr. Cassidy and Mr. Munch have both owned up to their responsibility in this matter and submitted their respective resignations, and we hope to move onward from this admittedly embarrassing incident.

At the same time, however, we must say a few words to those who have branded Schism Community News, and its hardworking journalistic staff, as "sick," "obscene," "blasphemous" and "a threat to the American way of life as we know it." First of all, let us reiterate that the events of last Sunday were *solely* the result of youthful naivete led astray by middle-aged treachery, and frankly we would never have hired the kid if we'd known he'd be stupid enough to believe that the annual Belated Autumnal Equinox Office Party was a journalistic event worthy of broadcast to the general public. Furthermore, whatever your opinion of I.C. Lotz's reportage, it is really not necessary to drag his personal reading habits into the debate. Mr. Lotz is a tax-paying grownup and if he wishes to spend his paycheck on pictorals with titles like "Coed Sluts in Bondage," that is entirely his lookout. Admittedly, we were surprised to discover he kept so many back issues right there in his bottom desk drawer, but life is often full of unexpected discoveries and we as journalists treasure this fact.

Additionally, the e-mails we have been receiving concerning certain transcripts and reen captures of our staff members Front Porch and Mad Peck are entirely beyond the pale. Once again, Mr. Porch and Ms. Peck are consenting adults and, frankly, we see absolutely no evidence of the alleged "sexual harassment" you all are screaming about. We venture to say that many women might actually find the declaration, "Baby, *you* put the sham in my shama-lama-ding-dong!" to be downright romantic; and, as the subsequent screen captures demonstrate, Ms. Peck apparently found it to be quite romantic indeed. As for our reporter Doc Daniels--well, how clueless *are* you people to think a man could get dubbed the "Hunter S. Thompson of the Heartland" without making some serious forays into the wonderful world of underground chem labs? Mr. Daniels has promised that, in the future, he will more clearly label which punchbowl is the "square" and which the "groovy" one, and that is really all we can ask of him. After that, I'm afraid it's none of *your* concern.

In conclusion, we do hope that this unfortunate incident has not undermined the public's confidence in Schism Community News. We have taken all the precautions necessary to ensure that the events leading up to it will probably not be repeated, and if you think you're going to get hard-hitting news like this in the namby-pamby Washington Post you're seriously kidding yourself, so let's all just deal with it and move on. Okay? Good. Peace, my brothers and sisters.

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Today's lunch menu is franks and beans, canned mushroom stems and pieces, Parkerhouse rolls, maraschino cherries in extra-viscous syrup and pound cake with scrapings of real Smucker's grape jelly. We wish at this time to assure students that the malathion spraying taking place on school grounds will have absolutely no deleterious effect on your physical well-being, mental capacity or future childbearing abilities, so go ahead and sit *right* next to those open cafeteria windows and take deep, cleansing breaths of God's own fresh air! Any dizzy spells, double vision or strange cystlike growths should be reported to Miss Culpepper in the nurse's office immediately, *provided* they occur during her work hours of one to three p.m. every other Thursday.

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Schism Community Theater is proud to present "GIT OFFA MAH LAND!: A Musical Salute to Kyle Secor," debuting this Friday at 7 p.m. on the Royal Albert Hall's fabulous basement stage. Come brave those uninsulated heating pipes and watch the stirring story of Kyle Secor, whose slow climb from chick-flick extra to costar of a show nobody watches to sporadic guest star on a show nobody will admit to watching is an inspiration to would-be actors everywhere.

Beth --fresh from her triumphs as St. Joan of Arc, Hedda Gabler and the voice of Tommy Tuinal in "The New Ralph Bakshi Experience"--stars as the wide-eyed community college grad whose dreams of fame and fortune take him to the city that never sleeps. Co-starring Valeria as the tough, cigar-chomping producer who snarls, "You'll *never* make it in this business, kid!"; Rachel as the crusty, cynical, yet warmhearted agent whose widely distributed sexual favors get Kyle his very first audition; Justine as Lester Spearmint, Kyle's archrival, who conveniently breaks his leg the night of the big Broadway debut; and Pam Rose as Mary Sue Spearmint, Lester's drag-queen cousin and the "gal" who wins Kyle's heart. During intermission, enjoy the show-stopping tap dancing of our own Dr. Marti, who puts Mark Morris to shame with the avant-garde choreography of her "Uff Da? Ach, Ja!" softshoe routine. Tickets go on sale this Wednesday, so don't miss out!

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The Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists' Society is holding its first meeting of the SVU Trauma Support Group this Tuesday at 10 p.m., in the Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition Room of the Hotel de Love. Crisis counselors Vali and Maggie will share their hard-won wisdom in enduring the utter degradation of a much-loved character and show format, while group members share their tales of woe, recite our Deny, Deny, Pretend It's All a Dream Prayer and take turns at the Mariska Hargitay punching bag. Special thanks to tech support personnel Holli and Karen, who installed that really cool punching bag voice card--honest to God, those sound like *real* cries of pain when you hit it, and she begs for mercy too! The general public is welcome to attend, provided they remember the comfy chairs and bags of Sun Chips are for established Society members ONLY. Violators will be prosecuted.

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On behalf of the Schism Community Television Network (SC-TV), here's what happened this week on your favorite soap operas:

GENERAL CENTRAL, R.F.D. Alyssa took a job moonlighting as the heiress of an English country estate to pay for breast implants, but was blackmailed by Bob Guccione and Larry Flynt when they revealed the cameras behind her favorite three-way mirror. The prim and proper governess Kay was hired to tutor Lord Rochester's illegitimate child, but broke her leg fleeing the lecherous advances of Rochester's friend Sir John and was airlifted to County General, where Dr. Finch's confusion of amyl nitrate and nitroglycerin nearly cost Kerry all her vacation time. Tim made lecherous advances toward Julia, realized he hated her and spent the rest of the episode whistling casually and staring at an imaginary spot on the wall. Meanwhile, Barney took Thelma Lou up to Mount Pilot, Lennie had a spiritual awakening and Mariska threw up in Brian's favorite derby hat.

WITHERING HEIGHTS. Lennie finally confessed his true feelings to John, but John only had eyes for Stan, and was bitter as well because Mariska had thrown up on his favorite black suit. Billie Lou made her triumphant musical debut at Tommy's Topless Hideaway, where Stu manhandled Tommy into slipping fifty-dollar bills down Billie Lou's G-string but could not convince him to abandon his belief in evolution. George gave up on tantric sex after the maggots got to be too much for him, Stan took up golf in a desperate attempt to hide his mysterious past and Roger held a slumber party where everyone painted their nails in really cool colors.

THE BOLD AND THE BEATDOWN. Stu had to take Flora to the prom after she proved that she did *so* know all the words to "The Politics of Dancing." Laura, like, *wanted* to go with Paul, but he was totally into that *skank* of a new girl so he didn't ask her, and, like, *she's* supposed to ask *him?!* Excuse me, moth-urrr, but this is not, like, some kind of Sadie Hawkins thing, I am *sure!* And of course that stoner Johnny asked that complete *slut* Billie Lou, when it is like totally *known* that she lets guys feel her up behind the gym, I don't know who'd be caught *dead* around her, and Renee who is *so* Miss Popularity Queen is too snotty to go with *anyone* but herself. And okay, I am sorry but those rumors about Tim being this total queero are just *so* not true, all right? Lots of guys like parachute pants, it does not prove *anything,* okay? And I swear, that Mike guy thinks he can get away with *anything* just because his dad's the principal or something, and *I* heard Ed broke up with Kay 'cause she wouldn't do it, like who *doesn't* know she's the queen slut of all time with that one stoner guy's older brother just 'cause he has a *sports car,* excuse me while I puke or something, and I am *not* wearing that lame-o dress, mother, and if you think I'm such a whore maybe I should just go out and *be* one, okay? And I'm going over to Julianna's house, and excuse me but I don't *know* when I'm coming back so don't, like, *wait* up like I'm in junior high or something!

THE SCHISMATIC AND THE SCHIZOID. Police announced they were abandoning the search for Marti, but Rachel vowed to continue looking for her unless there was a really good "Party of Five" on that night. Hayley attempted to atone for her horrible gaffe at the old folks' home by delivering hot meals to shut-ins, but was fired after she left the meals on the front stoop and the shut-ins couldn't reach them. Vali, plagued by chronic writer's block, continued her slide into insanity, while Beth bravely attempted to tackle her nicotine and kugel addictions in Hazelden's new Columbus satellite campus. Karen and Jackie escaped from prison and began a new life in Key West, but Hurricane Floyd's failure to do more than dump a bunch of rain on their tar-paper shack left them muttering, "What a *ripoff!*" Meanwhile, Mary's run-in with Colonel Bat Guano--if that is his real name--landed her in the brig, Holli's photographs ran afoul of the Coalition for Traditional Traditions and Mariska threw up all over Jenn's copy of "UFOs, JFK and Elvis."

THE HOLSTERED AND THE HAPLESS. A bunch of pretty people had sex. For God's sake, isn't that *enough* for you?

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As the second and minute hands close in on yet another nightly deadline, Schism Community News reminds you that if we don't report it, no one will, and since we're the only game in town you'd better straighten up, fly right and do *exactly* what we say. Until next time, leave your questions, suggestions and complaints in the comment box at loki@netnitco.net, be kind to housepets and for God's sake, call your mother once in a while. Salut!

Volume One, Issue Eight
reported by the Mad Peck, Doc Daniels, I.C. Lotz and the Front Porch

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The Schism police and fire departments, QRT team and paramedic squad are today hailing as heroes two women who singlehandedly rescued the actor Kyle Secor from the clutches of a raving lunatic.

Rachel , editor of the acclaimed literary journal Butt-Ramming Quarterly, and Marti, BRQ copy editor and a professional Philip Melancthon channeler, were part of a small tour group attending a Wednesday taping of the hit television show "Skinny People, Big Fat Problems," on which Mr. Secor was making an extended guest appearance. Show taping was suddenly interrupted when a ski-masked, fatigues-clad female figure burst onto the set brandishing an Uzi and demanding that Mr. Secor "make nice and come wit' me, and nobody gets jaked, see?" Though both Rachel and Marti bravely demanded of the gunwoman, "Hey! What the [expletive] do you think you're doing?!" the hapless Mr. Secor was soon dragged off to parts unknown.

Based upon the gunwoman's description, Schism police brought in a Mary for questioning, but her vague threats that "Alan Dershowitz and I are like *this,* okay?" resulted in her swift release. Meanwhile, acting on a tip from an informant, the Lovers of Frank and TIM (LOFT) theorized that the actual culprit was one Mariska Hargitay, a third-tier TV actress once described by embittered, acid-tongued theater critic Beth as "concentrated arsenic for the soul." Ms. Hartigay, who was absent from taping for the show "The Crimes, Ick--The Cop, a Chick" the day Mr. Secor was kidnapped, later confirmed this suspicion by phoning the offices of Schism Community TV and declaring, among other incoherent statements, that "YOU KILLED MY MISERY!!!"

Rachel and Marti sprang into action, using the star-69 feature on the SC-TV phones to pinpoint Ms. Hartigay's location in an isolated mountain cabin. "Sheesh, we really shoulda thought of that," Sheriff Marge Gunderson later commented. They then leapt into Rachel's convertible and drove to the cabin, only to be blindsided by a sudden blizzard and end up in a ditch by the side of the road. Meanwhile, sharpshooter-equipped LOFTie helicopters hovered above the cabin, but an argument over whose turn it was supposed to have been to bring the grilled cheese sandwiches stymied any further activity.

Undaunted by their tumble into shoulder-deep snow, Rachel and Marti fought their way toward the cabin, ducking well-intentioned overhead sharpshooter fire along the way. As they reached the door, Ms. Hargitay suddenly appeared, holding a gun to Mr. Secor's head and screeching "like that Gloria character from All in the Family on meth," as SPD Detective Sergeant Sally Rogers later described it. As Rachel distracted the deranged drama queen with a piercing shriek of "Hey, *Coooooooox!*", Marti smashed her in the face with a perfectly placed roundhouse kick. Wild hand-to-hand combat ensued; Marti, a onetime welterweight champion on the WWF Smack My Bitch Up Ladies' Powderpuff League team, soon subdued Ms. Hargitay and dragged her in a headlock over to the valiant Sheriff Gunderson. The released Mr. Secor immediately ran to Marti's arms, which he was unceremoniously pulled out of to be embraced by Rachel, Pam Rose, Justine, Holli, Mary, Candy, Beth, Emerald, Sgt. Rogers, Sheriff Gunderson and numerous passers-by in quick succession. "I'm getting dizzy," the otherwise unhurt Mr. Secor was heard to complain.

Ms. Hartigay is currently being held without bail at Menominee Women's Prison pending an appeal from defense attorney Darin Russom. Rachel and Marti were honored in a civic ceremony and presented with shiny new medals to show off to their friends, as well as a year's supply of pancake batter courtesy of Howard's Hotcakes and Hamburgers. Meanwhile, LOFT has issued an apology for inadvertently wiping out the entire adult deer population of Hiawatha County, Wisconsin, in their attempted rescue. Co-chair Pam Rose has promised that "in the future, we will attempt to ensure that Mr. Horiuchi exercises a wee bit more restraint." When asked for his comments on the entire incident, Mr. Secor was observed to readjust his glasses, snuffle and declare, "Om."

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Today's lunch menu is roast dark-meat turkey with instant giblet gravy, Wonder Bread stuffing, mashed potatoes, lima beans, glazed carrots and choice of extra-lumpy Indian pudding or squash tart squares for dessert. Owing to Mrs. Hufnagel's well-meaning but somewhat ill-timed donation of our entire orange juice supply to Lutheran Social Services, we are unable to offer fresh cranberry sauce; however, we do have whole raw cranberries *and* cranberry-flavored Jello available upon request.

We would like to remind everyone that student council elections will be held this upcoming Friday from 1 to 3 p.m., next to the Port-A-Potties in the northwest corner of Teej Athletic Field. Those who cast their ballots last Thursday in the booth set up by the Danny Kaye statue in the school commons will not be permitted to vote again, as this is a representative democracy and our own, erroneous election-time announcements should not interfere with the sacred principle of one person, one vote. But all the rest of you, come on out and show your support for the cheerleader, jock or ass-kissing spirit nut of your choice!

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The Megan Russert Appreciation Society will hold its weekly meeting this Thursday at 1 p.m., in the aviary of the Young Women's Erisian Assocation. Pumps *and* pearls, please, ladies. Following a light, refreshing low-calorie lunch, MRAS chairwoman Korillian will address the topic of "Yes, a Hundred-Percent Clearance Rate Is All Well and Good--But Honey, Would It Really Kill You to Do *Something* About That Hair?" After the keynote address will be our Pastels for Patroling fashion show, the weekly French lesson and further planning for our upcoming Detectives' Debutante Ball.

Members of the Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists' Society are (graciously) reminded that, contrary to what scurrilious rumors they may hear, they are *entirely* welcome at meetings--once they abandon this silly preoccupation with vulgar garrulous sorts who are overfamiliar with their betters, and learn to put on a dress every once in a while. It's just good breeding.

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The Society of Slashsluts (tm) will be holding its annual Turkey Baster Grill n' Roast this Thursday from 4 to 7 p.m., in the Amazing Grace and Chuck Banquet Hall of the Hotel de Love. Co-chairs Hayley and Holli invite you to come on out and sample their long, stuffed-to-bursting kebab skewers, swallow hot, thick mouthfuls of rich homemade gravy, and sink your teeth into some of the biggest, juiciest slabs of meat you'll *ever* see. Enter the turkey raffle drawing, and win your choice of a dream date with Vegas crooner Dick Contino *or* a free table dance from the Slashsluts' own Karen "The Body"!

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The Royal Schism Society of Naturalists will hold its monthly meeting this Friday from 2 to 4 p.m., in the Asafetida Lecture Hall of the Haymarket Chemistry Lab. Guest speakers Dr. Saffron Bailey and Professor Jackie will discuss several exciting new developments concerning the recently-unearthed *Falsonus politia* skeleton; though this short-lived species has already been established to be 75 I.Q. points beneath the bonobo ape, did you know it is now also outclassed by the badger, the post-myxomatosis rabbit and the common house flea? Question and answer session to follow the lecture.

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In a related story, the Schism School Board says it will not challenge a recent court decision which overturns the Board's resolution against teaching Homicide devolution in the classroom. Board chairman Montgomery "Mo" Synod said the Board has reluctantly agreed to stop denying the existence of a seventh show season, adding that it might just be for the best in the long run. "Once these kids learn just how low a person can sink in this life," he mused, "they'll think twice about ever wanting to write for television." When asked her opinion, the Right Reverend Rachel , original sponsor of the resolution and pastor of the My Way Or the Hellway Mighty Fortress Textually Literalist Yet Ironically Barely Literate Church, shook her head and declared, "Dark times will descend upon us all for this. Praise Tim!" Following the meeting, members adjourned for a meal of loaves, fishes and a mess of pottage.

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The Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists' Society will be sponsoring its first annual blood drive this Saturday from 8 p.m. to 4 a.m., in the dark, unlit field right behind Temple Munch-El. If you like blood--if you really, *really* like blood--come on out and open a vein to show how much you care. C'mon, you're not *scared* or something, are you? What are you, some kind of *coward?* Look at you, with your black eyeliner and your crushed velvet and your fancy-dan lace collars and your precious autographed *Anne Rice* books! Oh, yeah, you're a *real* vampire, aren't you, you pansy-assed Goth geek? Why don't you just stay home and listen to your *Bauhaus* tapes some more, you big baby, while the non-*losers* out there roll up their sleeves and bleed for the cause, *bleed,* *BLEED!* Red Cross-supervised paramedic team will be standing by; glucose tablets in your choice of orange or strawberry flavor.

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As Thanksgiving descends swiftly upon us, Schism Community News reminds you to take some time from singing "We Gather Together" and stuffing yourself with aggressively Caucasian food to reflect upon all those less fortunate. God/dess/abstract Supreme Being/chemicals composing the known universe bless them all--the prolific and the writer's-blocked, the Slashslut and the Hetchick, the plotters and the PWPers, the talkers and the lurkers, the lovers and loathers of this holiday season alike. And most of all, bless your editor-in-chief, which you can do at loki@netnitco.net. White meat and extra gravy, please!

Volume One, Issue Nine
reported by the Mad Peck, Doc Daniels, I.C. Lotz and the Front Porch

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Schism Community News would like to thank all its loyal readers for their patience during our switchover to Y2K-compliant software, and to apologize for the errors contained in the New Year's Day late edition. Corrections and retractions are printed below:

--The editorial page: The phrase "that asswipe George W. Bush" should have read, "that mewling smirking semi-literate execution-happy religious-Right-pandering dumber-than-a-box-of-rocks preppie frat-boy asswipe George W. Bush."

--In world news: The phrase "Maggie? Maggie, back AWAY from the gun!" should have read, "small village in northern Chechnya."

--In national news: The phrase "We don't care what people say, rock and roll is here to stay" should have read, " 'I *swear* to God, *that* time Mr. Keyes was only joking,' insisted the candidate's red-faced campaign manager."

--In business and finance: The phrase "Oh, man, there is *nothing* in this world like good Moroccan hashish" should have read, "Boy, those Ameritrade commercials with that Stuart guy are so funny. Ha ha." The phrase "He tormented her proud, prancing nipples, laughing shamelessly like the charming rogue that he was" should have read, "AOL and Time Warner? Say what you will, it just *sounds* good together."

--In sports: The phrase "Face it, Betty, your stuffing makes me sick" should have read, " 'Look, *lots* of football players kick the crap out of their girlfriends--what's the big deal?' said the coach defensively."

--In entertainment: The phrase "Oh, please, Kevin Spacey is *so* gay it's not even funny" should have read, "Spacey is an intensely private man, one who does not wish to see his private life reduced to tabloid fodder."

Once again, we apologize for any confusion these errors may have caused.

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The Schism Court of Appeals today affirmed a lower court's ruling that granted the character John Munch a renewable restraining order against the actor Richard Belzer. According to the terms of the order, Mr. Belzer will be required to remain at a distance of at least five hundred feet from Detective Munch at all times, and to refrain from any phone, mail or face-to-face contact; in addition, Mr. Belzer is indefinitely barred from representing himself to be John Munch in any capacity on- or offscreen.

The court's ruling, written by Chief Justice Susan Aandahl, agreed that Detective Munch had been subjected to "harassment, media exploitation and a shocking campaign of defamation" by Mr. Belzer. Specific instances cited by the court included Belzer's shameless use of the detective's likeness and mannerisms to jumpstart a justifiably stalled standup comedy career; forcing the detective to dress in humiliating attire, including what one horrified observer described as a "Pepto-Bismol pimpin' robe"; and tortiously interfering with the detective's three-dimensional character status in order to revamp him as flat, "likeable" comic relief. The court also stated that Mr. Belzer's constant statements about how much he loves Mariska Hargitay were consciously calculated to make Detective Munch "appear a complete idiot whose B.S. detector was on permanent sabbatical," as Justice Antonin Scalia wrote in his concurring opinion. "I mean, *I've* seen the show, and Christ, she sucks."

"Frankly, we just decided that enough was enough, " declared a jubilated Valeria, who argued the detective's case on behalf of the Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists' Society. "I mean, Detective Munch's dignity and peace of mind aside, there's some of us who have a hell of a lot of time and creativity invested in him as a character, and the idiot who plays him is screwing with our livelihood." Added co-counsel Ed Danvers, "We pushed [Mr. Belzer] face-first into the high-speed blender of a 513.020(b) motion and goddammit, I'm flyin' on the rush!" Demanded Fetishists' Society co-chair Maggie, "Don't we get any money out of all this? What the [expletive] do you *mean,* no?!"

A tight-lipped Mr. Belzer commented only that "I know my rights--they can't take my incessant eyebrow-waggle, or my painfully obnoxious smirk. Or my home in France. Have I mentioned lately I have a home in France?" The Schism Supreme Court announced it will decide whether to revisit the ruling whenever it damn well feels like it.

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Today's lunch menu is tomato soup made with Heinz V-8 stock, very slightly flattened cheese souffle, stewed tomatoes in aspic, very slightly softened and discolored leftover Christmas tangerines and pineapple Jello with mini marshmallows. Fervently religious students are reminded that owing to one Jesus-will-free-my-frozen-tongue incident too many, the daily See You at the Pole prayer meeting has been relocated from the front-lawn flagpole to the dying tree in the northwest corner of Teej Athletic Field, and will now be known as the See You Up the Stump prayer meeting. During the upcoming renovation of the athletic field, the meeting will be held in the upperclassmen's parking lot on Tuesdays and Thursdays, at which time it will be known as See You Push the Pedal, and all other days by the east wing basement heating pipes, when it will be known as See You Blow the Gasket. Hop on the bus, Gus, you don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee, and get your-*self* free.

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Royal Canadian Mounted Police staff sergeant Holli and her abrasive, ill-mannered, yet vulnerable sidekick Mary will be conducting Model Trolling classes starting this Wednesday at 7 p.m., in the gymnasium of the Sally Rogers Women's Center. Join the scruffy Mary and the nattily uniformed Holli as they provide demonstrations of self-defense techniques against the most commonly encountered troll species, including the Horny Thirteen-Year-Old, the Frothmouthed Bible-Beater, the Self-Righteous Soapboxer (both right- and left-wing subspecies), the Closet-Case Queerbaiter, the Mid-Life-Crisis Jailbait-Prowler, the You-Killed-My-Misery Psycho Fan, the I'm-the-King-of-the-WOOOORRLD!! All-Around S***head, the Bloodee Earitating Misspeler, the Spammer, the Newbie-Slammer and the OVEREXCITED ALL-CAPS IDIOT.

Following the defense demonstrations, kick-boxing, fire-eating and raisin toss-and-catch, Mary will be answering student questions on the subject, "Hetslash: What Is It? *Where* Is It? What on Earth Did I *Mean* When I Threw That Mysterious Little Phrase Into the Ether?" Students are reminded that the aurally challenged wolf is *not* a pet--he has a job to do, so for Christ's sake quit *pelting* him with Liver-Snaps like some kind of moron. Please wear loose-fitting, comfortable clothing on general principle.

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The Church of the Divine Revealed Pembleton has backed away from its threat to excommunicate devotees of the Baylissian cult known as the Sisters in Timmyworship, but the group's status within the Church is still uncertain. Breaking with Church canon--which recognizes Tim Bayliss as "Our Frank's Apostle Most Exalted and Intercessor Most Persistent," but does not credit him with divine powers--the SIT insists that Tim be worshipped on an equal footing with Frank. The SIT has also demanded that Tim receive equal credit for the Twelve Blessed Miracles of Frank (most controversially, the Half-Cup of Coffee and Leftover Grilled Cheese Sandwich That Did Feed the Multitudes), and has openly criticized the Church doctrine which states that after Frank's assumption into Heaven, Tim remained a celibate devotee all the rest of his days.

"We're just, like, trying to acknowledge reality and stuff," said Timmyworship founder Spinner, proudly displaying her newly buzz-cut hair and TIMMY SENDS ME! tattoo. "You know, like with Vatican II, when they let the nuns wear miniskirts and had all those Bob Dylan masses."

"We're not heretics," insists Timmyworshipper Beth. "We *adore* Our Frank, but at the same time, he scares the living crap out of us. We seek a kinder, gentler face of the divine, one who had lots and lots and lots of hot, throbbing sex."

Responded a derisive Sister Magdalena Weber, recently appointed Doctor of the Church, "If there's *anything* we know for certain about the life of Our Frank, it is that he brooked *no* compromise in thought, word or deed. As it is said in Xavier 3:06, 'He who loses control, *loses.*'." She acknowledged, however, that a change in Church doctrine may be on the horizon. "For centuries now, Church fathers and mothers have pondered the exact meaning of Adena 2:04, 'Verily, I say you must know your dark side, and love it, for it is part of you.' Could Tim *be* that dark side, the Word of Frank made demon flesh? I'll tell you one thing," she mused, "it might explain those godawful haircuts." The Pembletonian Council of Cardinals, currently on retreat in the Thames Street Papal Bullpen, declined to comment.

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Funeral services for Detective Brian Cassidy, who died last Friday after a long struggle with a mysterious wasting disease, will be held at Temple Munch-El this Tuesday at 10 a.m. The ecumenical service will feature a joint eulogy by De Orakle and Dr. Richard von Krafft-Ebbing, to be interrupted by periodic hysterical sobbing fits from Detective John Munch; painfully earnest guitar renditions of "Amazing Grace," A-ha's "Take on Me" and the entire soundtrack of "Run Lola Run"; and a pas de deux from Michael Flatley's specially commissioned "Lord of the F***ing Dance," to be performed by American Ballet Theatre principal Cyril O'Reilly and a severely chloral-hydrated Beth Ina. Members of the Society of Slashsluts and the SVU Support Group will share pallbearing duties.

Following the burial, there will be a ceremonial tossing of the twenty-one Baby Bel cheeses and a somewhat misguided attempt to set Dick Wolf's home on fire. Funeral attendees are asked to *please* not gussy up in dress blues and do that hey-look-I'm-a-one-person-honor-guard schtick, it was cute the first time around but it's starting to get distinctly tiresome. In lieu of flowers, donations may be sent to the Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists' Society. Cash only, please.

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As it digs out from under a freak seven-inch snowfall, Schism Community News would like to remind its readers of the stirring, eloquent words of some poet or other whose name escapes our entire editorial staff at the moment, who once poised the immortal rhetorical question: "If winter comes, can spring be far behind?" Send your answers to our editor-in-chief at loki@netnitco.net. Use examples. Show your work. Until next time, be kind to your neighbors (except the annoying ones), separate out all your recyclable trash and never make the mistake of thinking that catboxes clean themselves. Smooth sailing, skippers!

SCHISM COMMUNITY NEWS SPECIAL COMMEMORATIVE EDITION

reported by the Mad Peck, Doc Daniels, I.C. Lotz and the Front Porch special field reporting by A. V. Ariel, Aria Lev and Ria Vale

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The atmosphere was electric outside the Royal Albert Hall this Thursday, as celebrities, luminaries and major high muckety-mucks of all varieties turned out in force to celebrate the Schism mailing list's first anniversary. Flashbulbs popped like champagne corks and champagne corks popped like popcorn as celebrities danced their way down the red carpets, reporters from lesser publications scratched and clawed for a chance at that all-too-elusive interview, and frustrated trolls rioted and rampaged in a scene satisfyingly reminiscent of the final chapter of The Day of the Locust.

The three founders and moderators of Schism were present in all their splendor. Vali was enchanting in her ice-green, floor-length gown, shamelessly patterned on that dress Kim Basinger wore when she got the Oscar for L.A. Confidental. Marti was radiant in her ice-pink, strapless decolletage, recalling for many the dress Gwyneth Paltrow wore when she got the Oscar for Shakespeare in Love. Rachel, the official Listmistress, was ravishing in her mustard-yellow ballerina's tutu, black lace-up schoolmarm boots, lilac cloche hat, candy-cane stockings and T-shirt proclaiming, "From Zero to Horny in 2.5 Beers."

As the trio mingled with the adoring crowd, graciously accepting tributes and dispensing autographs, many other Schism members were spotted enjoying the festivities. Unable to decide between bean dip and onion dip, Beth defiantly ate her Ruffles unadorned and chatted animatedly with her dates, Chris Rawls--still bitter at having lost the party's catering contract to the Brass Elephant--and a mysterious woman identified only as "Judy." Maggie, whose daring Emma Peel catsuit and thigh-high boots outdid even Dasha's skintight naughty-nurse costume, reduced the hapless J.H. Brodie nearly to tears before stomping on Chris Thormann's skull and drop-kicking gate-crasher Richard Belzer headfirst into the tiramisu. Medical examiner George Griscom regaled Valeria with tales of his duck-pin bowling championships, then pulled a puzzled John Munch into a back room to continue their discussion of tantric deep-breathing techniques.

The crowd around the shrimp toast was five-deep to meet Tim Bayliss, who arrived arm in arm with a beaming, clerical-collared Frank Pembleton and planted big sloppy wet kisses on Candy, Justine, Beth, Teri, Mary, Redell, Pam and Spinner; all applauded to see that for once, his haircut was simultaneously flattering, age-appropriate *and* easy to maintain. Meanwhile, Frank smiled dazzlingly at Holli and fired off charming, iambic-pentameter epigrams that made her blush and giggle like a schoolgirl. Mike Kellerman and Meldrick Lewis, flirting and canoodling like the happy newlyweds they were, competed ferociously for the much-coveted attentions of Jackie--ensconced on the lap of a wickedly smiling Chris Keller--while Hayley "Bird" Douglas and her sequin-covered date Karen Cooper lovingly hand-fed both men Cool Ranch Doritos and honey-roasted squab.

Unfazed as Rachel continually checked the status of his foley catheter, Fox Mulder draped himself over a chaise longue and rather snottily demanded that Goth, Dawn and Starrla fetch him martinis and "that hottie with the flattering, age-appropriate hair." Marti demonstrated advanced kick-boxing techniques on an all-too-willing Alex Krycek, while Mike Nelson and his lovable 'bot companions wandered around looking good-humoredly nonplussed. Meanwhile, the fresh-faced Brian Cassidy sat in a corner, red-faced and with a hardbound copy of Johnny Tremaine strategically placed in his lap, as De Orakle stroked his hands with expert fingertips, Saffron whispered intimate details of Manhattan geography into his ear and Kay Howard--shamelessly egged on by a winking Valeria and Jackie--rifled in his pockets searching for spare change.

At some point during the post-keynote address reception, it was realized that the evening's keynote address had never actually been delivered. Reluctantly abandoning the rommegrot and creme brulee, the revelers pulled their clothes back on and assembled in the Royal Albert Hall's Boom Boom Room to hear the always longwinded Valeria address the throngs of Schismites. After telling numerous tedious stories about her cat and graciously stepping aside to let the audience throw things at surprise guest Steve "TV Is A Moral Sewer" Allen, the pint-sized list co-moderator finally delivered the evening's main address. The text of the speech is printed below in its entirety:

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VALERIA: Hi, is-- (Drowned out by *hideous* screech of feedback. Quickly adjusts mike...) Hi, can everyone hear me? (Sounds of "no" from audience.) Can every--okay, can everyone in back hear me now? (Voice shouting "WE *CAN'T* HEAR YOU, YOU IDIOT!") Uh...okay. Wait. (A good twenty minutes of fiddling with the microphone, fiddling fiddling I say fiddling...) Okay, better? (Sounds of "Eat me!") Uh...right. (Rifles through huge sheaf of papers.) Okay. Uh...welcome, ladies and the occasional gentleman, writers and readers, gabbers and lurkers, inner children of all ages, to this celebration of the first anniversary of the Schism mailing list. (Applause.)

It's been an interesting year, ladies and the odd man or two--a fun-filled, action-packed, anxiety-inducing roller coaster ride of thrills, chills, excitement and more plates of apple fritters than any of us could possibly eat. It's often said, in the words of former college-rocker turned painfully sententious film producer Michael Stipe, that "you can't get there from here." But hey, what does some moron with an electric guitar know about it? We sure as *hell* got there from here-- (Applause.) And then we turned *right* around and went from here all the way back to there! (Fervent applause.) So screw you, Mr. Stupid-Neneh-Cherry-Duets, Mr. Courtney-Love-Banger, Mr. Billy-Corgan's-Poseur-Mutant-Twin, *screw you!* (Thunderous applause.) Uh, what was I talking about? Oh, right, the list. Anyway.

If the essence of Schism can be boiled down to one simple phrase, I believe it would be this one:

"I really liked this and would be interested in seeing the rest of it."

This, ladies and token guy or two, was the opening shot fired by Rachel, Listmistress of Worlds (applause) against the metaphorical bow of Valeria (SPECTACULAR applause!), in January 1999, after reading the latter's blushing-bridal online debut, the story "Two Partners." We were both humble peasants in the Old Country back then--and as we huddled around the fires in our miserable wattle-and-daub huts, swathed in greasy rags and badly tanned animal hides and dreading the near-continual onslaughts of our mad ruler's sadistically pillaging dragoon armies, we turned to the comfort of fan fiction, smuggled from hand to hand and hut to hut, to give us the courage to go on. And yea, we were persecuted, and lo, we did suffer, and the meager portions of food on our wooden trenchers grew more meager with every passing winter... (Audible sniffles from audience.) But hey, at least we had stories about Tim getting laid. (Applause.)

Anyway, Rachel read Valeria's greasy-vellum efforts and, summoning her courage, sent a nourishing portion of feedback to the shy young author. One polite reply led to another led to all manner of ice breaking--and never mind that Rachel is the sort of person who has every episode of the heartwarming family drama "Christy" on tape, in chronological order, and that Valeria is the sort of person who insists she can decipher the Gnostic messages hidden in the Sugarcubes song "Birthday," a solid friendship was forged. (Applause.) Soon enough, Rachel's hardworking and God-fearing hutmate, Marti, was brought into the fold (applause), and if they had nothing else in common, they knew that conditions in the Old World had grown intolerable...it was time to emigrate to more hospitable shores. (Applause.)

Not a month later, Rachel, Marti and Valeria orchestrated a daring escape under cover of night and, after a steerage-class ship voyage that kept the decidedly un-sealegged Vali puking almost 'round the clock, they landed on the lush, verdant shores of an uninhabited New World. (Applause.) Marti claimed this land in the name of fan fiction, and Rachel deemed it...Schism. (Fervent applause, hoots, foot-stamping!) And Valeria took her last bit of greasy vellum and authored the Ninety-Five Theses of Schism, now a fixture on the Schism website--and, uh, she sure kicked up a [expletive]-storm by doing that, but why dwell on petty grievances? The point is, we done busted out. (Applause.)

But we were not alone as we cleared the land, cut down the trees, built our cabins and fortresses, wove our homespun cloth, choked down cornmeal pudding and braced for the inevitable terrible-first-winter-that-killed-off-half-the-original-settlers...ind eed, we brought many with us. (Applause.) Okay, we brought a *few* with us--specifically, Rachel dragged along her X-Phile pallies Invisigoth and Dawn (applause), and Valeria sweet-talked the ineffable Hayley (applause, wolf whistles, bird calls) into joining the merry crew. There soon followed three more stalwart pioneers, Redell from the Waterfront (applause), and Beth and Maggie the Cat from 11 Cents (applause)--and how can I mention 11 Cents without acknowledging one K. Monroe (applause), their gracious Marquis de Lafayette to our unruly George Washingtons? Or, uh, something like that. (Confused audience glances, then more applause for the hell of it.)

And by gum, the fun didn't stop there. In the words of the old standard, along comes Mary, everyone's favorite Goddess-and-country-defending pagan priestess (applause), and her friends Holli and Justine and Candy (applause), and the one, the only, the I-*will*-shamelessly-flatter-her-into-finishing-that-next-Frankentim-s tory Pam Rose (applause, urgent foot-stomping). And damned if we didn't have to build more cabins, because here comes Ann (applause), and Amy, a.k.a. the feared and fearsome Hawk (applause), and Geo, and Gracie Ann, and Karen, and Jenn Allebach, and Jackie (applause, much applause)...and as I shield my eyes to look over the horizon, what to my wondrous, metaphor-mixing eyes should appear but the glamorous Emerald (applause), the take-no-prisoners Saffron Bailey (applause), and Sherry Hillman, and Sheri C, and Jill Gillham, and Asher Gillam, and Starrla, and Esmeralda, and Abigail Brown, and Joy Ebel, and Debbie Ramsey, and C. Cantor, and Brenda, and Elizabeth Lindberg, and Diana, and Mary Hawkins, and Liza Stonewall, and JoAnne, and the enigmatic "s348133," and the wondrous spankin'-Frankin' Spinner, and "writer," and "zippy-zap," and Megan Thoumin and Anne Sapko and Julie McCabe and "arcipelago" and "boojum" and "felmyst" and Homicide Gal and Julienne and Jessica Chien and--

(Gasps for air and hyperventilates...applause continues as she breathes urgently into a paper bag, turns blue and nearly faints.) Medic...I'm gonna die...but before I do, I should mention "hbenton" and Molly S. and "kefinst" and Kerry and Katherine Parker and Katherine Howie and Kate Gibney and "khaos" (applause), and K. Karasu and Lotta Reimers and "mimosa" and K. Brooking and Lindsey Schrott Schrott and Ramius and Danielle and Melissa Anderson and "ralthea" and Sarah (applause), and Kelley Sargent and trigger fish and our other Beth, a.k.a. "spiket24," and Leanthony Matthews and Linda Diamond and the springtime-fresh Lilac Green (much applause), and never could I forget Kerry P and the wonderful "xphile," never... (Applause.)

And for God's sake, wait--the Rachels, the many and ineffable Rachels! There's our own, loving Listmistress Rachel (applause), but let's never forget Rachel Smart, and Rachel "RC" Ridley, and the daringly unorthodox "Rachael," and the Rachel who dares to pose the poignant question, "amireal"? (Applause.) My God, the list goes on and on, and--oh, wait, I just finished it. Well, give yourselves a hand, all of you, 'cause you're Schismites, and that's something to be [expletive] proud of, and I'm almost as good as certain that a decent majority of you are wonderful, *wonderful* people! And not just you, but our former members as well, everyone who's ever had a piece of the [expletive] action around here! Yeah, I mean *everyone!* Give yourselves a big goddamned hand, right now! Oh, God ALMIGHTY, I'm drunk with power and high on life! (Wild, unceasing applause, continuing in a crashing wave of sound as Valeria falls in a dead faint behind the podium and EMTs rush in to administer oxygen, perform frantic if not entirely wholehearted lifesaving techniques, think the denouement of Howard Beale's manic rants in the movie Network for the full and complete effect...)

(Rising to her feet again, clutching podium for dear life.) Uh...what was I talking about? (Rifles through prepared speech.) Oh, well--hardly matters at this point, I'm so far off-topic... (Tosses speech over shoulder.) Anyway. I think I was trying to get at some of the history of the list itself, those misty watercolor memories of the way we were. But we've been together such a short time, and yet there are *so* many fine feathered anecdotes to choose from--who could ever forget the day yours truly was officially named the Schism Chair of Evangelism?

(Pause.) Well, judging from your faces, you all have. Okay, then who could forget the day the Chair of Evangelism finally said, "You know what? If people are gonna find the list they'll find it without *my* talking it up everywhere else I [expletive] I go, so [expletive] this"? And there's so much more--how can we pass by the triumphant debut of our *first*-ever archived story, Hayley's "Sins of Homicide I"? The day Maggie joined the list and Vali wept tears of joy to realize there *was* really someone else out there as utterly weird as she? The great David Duchovny Donnybrook? The Beecher-Keller Kerfuffle? The Off-Topic Postings Pensive Discussion? The Due South D-something-or-other? The day De Orakle made people besides me and Maggie actually enjoy Munchslash? The day Rachel and Vali sniped charmingly at each other as is their wont, and people thought Mommy and Mommy really were getting a divorce? The day people finally realized we really *won't* kill you for posting Frankentim slash? The posting of the scathingly controversial "Diary of Alex Krycek"? The debut of the Schism Community News? The first annual Schism Retreat? The story "Ambivalence," which cemented Rachel and Vali's vow never ever to try co-writing anything again, *forever,* as long as they both shall live? The day we realized how many of us had *voluntarily* viewed the Groove Tube, and had its utopian vision of a world of perpetually open-mouthed girls in rainbow socks and blackface makeup scar us beyond repair? The day Mary finally came right out and begged for a good ficcin' spanking? The day Vali forever made a part of the national vocabulary the phrases "incipient-psycho hair," "energetic, if mechanical sodomy" and "black, non-skier lesbians"? The discovery that it takes a list-village to raise Maggie's guilt child?

Well, I *could* go on and on and on and on and on (audience screams of "NOOOOO!!"), but I've got more artsy-fartsy, glacially paced crapola fic to get back to writing. So in conclusion, and to wrap it all up, I'll just paraphrase the words of that one dead bloated hippie guy and say, "What a short, strange trip it's been"--and may it turn out to be a long one, and may the road rise beneath our feet and may we always be downwind or whatever the hell that saying is, I'm not the slightest bit Irish and as a consequence thought Munch's famine jokes in "Gone for Goode" were pretty damned funny. Thanks to our listfounders Rachel and Marti, thanks to all our friends and families, and most of all thanks to *you,* Schismites to a woman and occasional man, for putting up with us and each other. Happy anniversary, one and all!

(Thunderous, deafening applause and standing ovation as balloons fall from ceiling, confetti dusts every corner of the room and audience realizes the endless keynote address is blessedly OVER!!)

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Following the keynote speech, the crowd again decamped for the main reception hall, where they ate, drank, danced and performed acts unsuitable for reprinting in a family newspaper...but *man,* you shoulda been there. For full-color photographs of the festivities and negatives suitable for either framing or blackmail purposes, contact our editor-in-chief at loki@netnitco.net. Until next time, keep your stars on the ground and keep reaching for your feet!

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