Letters to the Editor
Dear Sirs and/or Madams:
It is with deepest regret that I must express disappointment with the recent behavior of one of the Community News's reporters. As a fairly recent but very enthusiastic reader of the News, I've taken great pleasure in its many interesting and informative articles, not to mention the wonderful lunch menus it provides in each issue. Indeed, up to this point, the News has proved to be a veritable fount of information and amusement.
Imagine my shock, then, when in response to a *perfectly innocuous letter* of mine in which I attempted to establish a frank and open dialogue about a leading story in the News, the aforementioned reporter mercilessly attacked me, and in an open forum no less!
Thinking that I
>challenged the accuracy of [her] journalism,
this reporter said:
> Well, I was already indignant--albeit for reasons unconnected
>with this--but I am now on the verge of taking umbrage as well.
>"Sadly disturbed"? I will have you know that I have highly-placed and
>well-informed sources at my disposal who will corroborate the entire
>account...and I have one of those fedora hats with a press card in the
>brim, too, and a real Underwood typewriter, so you *know* anything I
>report must be true.
I must respectfully ask the editorial board of the News, as well as the rogue reporter above referred to, to remember that I merely *suggested* that she *might be* "sadly disturbed," and that even that epithet came on the heels of the perfectly nice "sensitive" and "creative."
I have not yet made any final judgements on the strange case involving Valeria and the David Duchovny Estrogen Brigade, nor will I do so until further investigation has taken place.
Any and all attempts on the part of this admittedly "already indignant" reporter to sway the minds of the public by referring to "highly-placed" and "well informed" [why, then, unnamed?] sources, or by flouting her journalistic wardrobe and accessories, will fall on deaf ears.
Is this journalistic integrity? Does Schism Community News really mean to say
> So go to hell!
in response to the earnest and open-minded questions of its readership?
Sincerely,
Beth I.
***************
To: Beth I.
Fr: A. V. Ariel, Editor-in-Chief, Schism Community News
Re: Letter of 7/29
Dear Ms. I.:
Thank you for your letter. It is our goal here at Schism Community News to be a well-informed source of information for the general Schism public, and to foster open communication and positive ties with the community at large--but let's can that and get down to business. In your letter dated July 29th, you wrote...
>It is with deepest regret that I must express disappointment with the
>recent behavior of one of the Community News's reporters.
[snip]
>Imagine my shock, then, when in response to a *perfectly innocuous letter* of mine in which I attempted to establish a frank and open dialogue about a leading story in the News, the aforementioned reporter mercilessly attacked me, and in an open forum no less!
On behalf of the Schism Community News and its entire editorial staff, I would like to express sincere apologies that an employee of this paper told you to, quote-unquote, "go to hell." However, I feel that if you understood the circumstances which inspired this particular statement, you might not take offense quite so swiftly.
As you note, the above statement was uttered in response to your rather unsubtle suggestion that our reporter covering the DDEB/Valeria story, I. C. Lotz, was not of sound mind. I think that you must appreciate the pressure that Mr. Lotz was under during the reporting of this incident. In order to even reach the hospital at which Valeria was being treated, Mr. Lotz had to fight his way past a veritable gauntlet of DDEB members, a paramilitary group identifying itself only as the "Moose and Rat Hat Squad," some highly confused and therefore unstable and violent Society of Slashsluts members, a team of representatives from the Mulder-Krycek Romantics Association, a well-meaning but rather scary group of Homely Middle-Aged Men Fetishists out for blood, the Vienna Boys' Choir and an Operation Rescue contingent which figured any time's the right time to block a hospital clinic door. Had you, yourself, had to deal with such chaos in order to conduct a simple interview, I respectfully suggest you might be feeling a bit crazy yourself.
Once finally inside Our Lady of Perpetual Showboating itself, our reporter had to deal with a recalcitrant and thoroughly unpleasant interview subject who demanded final story and photo approval, repeatedly ordered Mr. Lotz to fetch her snack items from the vending machine (despite Mr. Lotz's repeated protests that he did *not,* in fact, have the correct change), attempted--while Mr. Lotz was getting change for a dollar to purchase Milk Duds and Fritos--to access his laptop computer's e-mail system and, finally, trapped Mr. Lotz in the middle of an altercation with her physician, a Dr. Cleo Finch.
Mr. Lotz returned to the room at one point to find Valeria slapping Dr. Finch repeatedly about the face and shoulders with an empty IV bag and shouting, "Get the /expletive/ out of my face, you overmoussed incompetent bimbo skank!" As Mr. Lotz attempted to intervene on Dr. Finch's behalf, he was struck several times with this IV bag, and it really hurt. Dr. Finch, furthermore, then produced an apparently fully loaded Glock and began pistol-whipping *Mr. Lotz,* all the while shouting something to the effect of "Never gonna get beat down and get my gun took again! *Never!* *NEVER!!*" Only the swift action of attending physician Dr. Kerry Weaver, who managed to impale the unhinged Dr. Finch on her walking cane, saved the day. To add insult to injury, Our Lady of Perpetual Showboating has seen fit to invoice Schism Community News for the costs of the IV bag, the destroyed snack food items and the cost of cleaning the blood and entrail stains from Dr. Weaver's cane.
I hope, then, that you will understand that for Mr. Lotz to then crawl back to his computer and find your referral to himself as perhaps "sadly disturbed" might be, to coin a phrase, the straw that broke the camel's back. This does not excuse his actions, needless to say, but it does mean that we here at Schism Community News tend to be more in sympathy with him, a loyal employee of lo these many years, than with one of those tiresome people who insist upon filling up our letters column with one complaint after another. (You're not the woman who writes us 20-page letters every single Tuesday to explain how Moroccan numerology proves Jesus is alive and living in Escanaba, Michigan, are you? If so, God bless you but WE GET THE POINT!!!)
You go on to write:
>I have not yet made any final judgements on the strange case involving Valeria and the David Duchovny Estrogen Brigade, nor will I do so until further investigation has taken place.
Well...fine. I mean, why tell it to us? We only report the news as it happens, we don't peer over your shoulder and tell you what to think about it. I mean, is this Nazi Germany or something? Is that what you want, Ms. I., to live in a society run by Nazis? Is that *really* what you want? If so, we at this most free of presses must respectfully dissent!
>Is this journalistic integrity?
By the standards of many cultures, yes.
Does Schism Community News really mean to say
>> So go to hell!
>in response to the earnest and open-minded questions of its readership?
Do you, Ms. I., really think you can definitively prove a point simply by subjecting the reader to an endless barrage of rhetorical questions? But no matter. We have admitted our reporter's wrongdoing in this incident, we are sorry it happened but really, let's keep a sense of proportion here. It's not like Mr. Lotz went out and shot a bunch of Kosovars or something. Would you rather that this paper endorse the practice of ethnic cleansing, Ms. I.? Is that *really* what you want? Are you really in favor of a Nazi society whose heavily censored governmental mouthpiece of a newspaper encourages ethnic cleansing? Are your hurt feelings really worth bringing about *that* sort of fascistic paradigm shift, Ms. I.? Are they? *Are* they?
At any rate, please accept our apology and these enclosed Giardello's Famous Pizza Parlor coupons as a token of our esteem. We sincerely hope you will continue to be a loyal reader of our newspaper but if not, hey, you win some and you lose some.
Sincerely,
A. V. Ariel (signature)
Editor-in-Chief, Schism Community News
***************
July 30, 1999
Dear A. V. Ariel:
Thank you for your letter of apology regarding the behavior of Schism Community News reporter I. C. Lotz. I hope that he will soon recover from the traumatic events involving Valeria and that his professional demeanor will improve as a result of it.
Despite the fact that the tone of your letter swings rather wildly from regret to open hostility, I have decided, for my own peace of mind, to accept your apology as it is, and to end our correspondence herewith.
Thank you, too, for the coupons for Giardello's Famous Pizza Parlor. I wonder if you were aware that that restaurant closed eight months ago. . .
. Anyway, no matter--I've always been a much bigger fan of Howard's Hotcakes and Hamburgers, and the coupons will serve quite nicely as book marks.
Sincerely,
Beth I.
**********
To: Editorial Board, Schism Community News
From: Society to Preserve Copyediting Perfection by Any Means Necessary (STPCPBAMN)
RE: Shoddy Editorial Practices
-------------------------------------------------------
YOU have been found GUILTY of copyediting laxity. YOU should have known better. YOU should have *checked* and *double-checked* each and every fact in your newsletter. YOU should have reread it twelve thousand times,
referring *most reverently* to the Chicago Manual of Style for guidance.
The MANUAL says, and we quote from the 13th ed, 2d ser., vol. 58, no. 6, section 132,24.35-b/234, p. 2,094:
Any misspellings in a published document are the result of LAZY BADASS BULLSHIT copyediting. Anyone who MISSES such errors is a TOTAL IDIOT and should be FLOGGED 6,000 times with the 27th volume of the MANUAL OF STYLE (also known as THE BIG BOPPER), 4th ed., 4th ser.
YOU will report to the COPYEDITOR'S HALL OF PUNISHMENT AND SHAME (CHOPAS) to receive your flogging at 11:59 p.m. EST, November 25, 1999. Your post-flogging activities will include sitting through our special punishment lecture entitled "CMS Was Handed down to Us by the Aliens, as Scully Learned from the Giant Ship." YOU will not complain that you are going to miss your
silly little TURKEY DINNER because YOU do not DESERVE turkey. YOU will instead give thanks for the fact that YOU have been shown the error of your ways.
------------------------------------------
TRANSCRIPT OF ERROR (first occurrence):
Meanwhile, acting on a tip from an informant, the Lovers of Frank and TIM (LOFT) theorized that the actual culprit was one Mariska Hargitay,
THIS is correct. HAR*G*ITAY. Got it? What kind of FOOL would think that it could be spelled otherwise???
a third-tier TV actress once described by embittered, acid-tongued theater critic Beth as "concentrated
arsenic for the soul." Ms. Hartigay
*THIS* is wrong, you idiot! Didn't wanna spend the extra *TWO SECONDS* it would have taken you to look this up??? Of *course* not, you LAZY FOOLS!!! YOU DISGUST US!! YOU *WILL* PAY FOR YOUR COPYEDITING SINS!! Side
note: My, how witty that Beth is.
***********
To: Beth, Lord High Chamberlain, STPCPBAMN
Fr: A.V. Ariel, Editor-in-Chief, Schism Community News
Re: Letter of 11/17/99
YOU have been found GUILTY of copyediting laxity. YOU should have known better. YOU should have *checked* and *double-checked* each and every fact in your newsletter. YOU should have reread it twelve thousand times, referring *most reverently* to the Chicago Manual of Style for guidance.
The MANUAL says, and we quote from the 13th ed, 2d ser., vol. 58, no. 6, section 132,24.35-b/234, p. 2,094:
Any misspellings in a published document are the result of LAZY BADASS BULLSHIT copyediting. Anyone who MISSES such errors is a TOTAL IDIOT and should be FLOGGED 6,000 times with the 27th volume of the MANUAL OF STYLE (also known as THE BIG BOPPER), 4th ed., 4th ser.
Dear Ms. Beth:
Thank you for pointing out the, as you put it, "lazy badass bullshit" copyediting in our most recent issue. We here at the Schism Community News always appreciate hearing from loyal readers with something intelligent and incisive to contribute. A free press is, after all, the very lever which keeps the wheels of this proud democracy turning, or something like that. I don't really remember that much about it other than that it has something to do with some guy named John Peter Zenger, it's been a while since Journalism 106. At any rate, we appreciate your concern for the editorial standards of this fine newspaper.
In your letter, you opined as follows:
YOU will report to the COPYEDITOR'S HALL OF PUNISHMENT AND SHAME (CHOPAS) to receive your flogging at 11:59 p.m. EST, November 25, 1999. Your post-flogging activities will include sitting through our special
punishment lecture entitled "CMS Was Handed down to Us by the Aliens, as Scully Learned from the Giant Ship." YOU will not complain that you are going to miss your
silly little TURKEY DINNER because YOU do not DESERVE turkey. YOU will instead give thanks for the fact that YOU have been shown the error of your ways.
I have confirmed the errors of which you speak, and discussed the matter at length with our reporter Jedediah "Doc" Daniels, author of the piece in question. Fortunately, he is a vegan with some rather...*interesting* personal proclivities--some of the less enlightened among us might even look upon them as "fetishes"--and will be more than happy to present himself at CHOPAS at the appointed time to accept his due punishment. Actually, he even has a few ideas of
his own as to how he might make appropriate reparations to you, but you will have to discuss that with him personally at the appropriate moment.
Thank you again for your ongoing concern and engagement; feel free to write us again whenever the mood strikes, and please accept the enclosed gift certificate for a free foot massage at Riley's House
of Toes as a further token of our esteem.
Sincerely,
A.V. Ariel (signature)
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