You're Not Alone
Written by Sarah
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash
then crash and burn
You're not alone-Savage Garden, Crash and Burn
I clean the gun that I killed him with, place it down beside me on the seat
and drive off. When I'm far enough away, I'll dump it somewhere. It was sheer
luck that I found CBG Spender in D.C. I got an anonymous tip that he was in
town. Anonymous..I have a feeling who it was.
I had to do it. Had to kill the man that killed Samantha. Then I could have
peace. I felt no victory when I shot him through the heart, just...closure.
It's all over. Samantha and him are dead. No more searching for her, or
trying to figure out his conspiracy. Of course, there is the colonization
that is supposed to occur and if it does, I guess I will help the fight..with
Krycek by my side.
Krycek...I would bet a million dollars on him being my "anonymous tip." I no
longer hate Alex..somewhere between that kiss and now, I've come to terms
with my feelings for him. I don't blame him for my fathers death anymore. It
was Spender the whole time. I was too blinded by lover bitterness to realize
that he was just a pawn. I do now though. I realize that all this time, my
hostility toward him was caused by the betrayal of him, not as a fellow
agent, but as a lover.
I still don't know if he felt anything for me at all, and I don't want to
know. If he came back to me today and wanted to crawl back into my arms, I'd
say no. Part of me still loves him I guess..but I'd never want that again.
And it's not just him, it's anyone, man or woman. My whole life spent
searching for truths, yet never to find truth in a person..well, not counting
Scully. It's not worth the pain anymore.
I said, before Alex, that I wouldn't fall again and yet I did. I didn't
listen to common sense. No more, never again. Yeah, I've said that before
too. But really, what's the use? How much happiness can you possibly find in
I'm not afraid of being blamed for Spender's death. First of all, the man
barely exists and even those who know him don't know his real name. Skinner
wouldn't even care if I told him. After the latest discovery of my sister's
death, and my mother's as well, he gave me some vacation time. He said to
take as much as I need. He's seen how I work when I'm preoccupied with
something and *this* is a pretty big distraction.
The night I found out for sure that she was really dead, I knew I would kill
him. I would do it this time. What possible reason was there for sparing his
life any longer? So that was the only thing I had planned. Now, that done, I
decided to just drive. I packed a suitcase of clothes, and some other items,
grabbed my cell phone and drove off. Hours and hours now, I've been driving.
I pass the border and am surprised to find myself in Canada. I don't know
what the hell I'm doing or where I'm going. I sleep in some crummy motel
before deciding to turn back around. All the time I think about my mother and
sister. And how I have no one left now. It's official. Even though I didn't
see my mother, at least I knew she was alive. Even though I couldn't find my
sister, at least I *thought* she was alive.
When I pass through D.C. again, it's clear that I have no clue as to where
I'm going. I only know that I don't want to go home. When I find myself in
Baltimore, I think how I haven't been here in a really long time. So, maybe
I'll stay a while. It's only 45 minutes away from D.C. That's not far, but
it's good enough. I just want a change of city for a while.
I check into the Sheraton Inner Harbor hotel, go up to my room to unpack my
bags and lay down. I haven't realized how exhausted I am until now. After a
short nap, I take a shower, change, and decide to take in some of the sights.
I leave my car at the hotel and walk instead, passing Camden Yards, The
National Aquarium, even the much talked about "Block" that I've heard of. It
doesn't interest me at all though. I don't want to go to any strip clubs..in
fact, I haven't even watched my video collection in forever, let alone take
them with me. Scully would always yell at me because I'd bring the tapes
along on overnight trips. I grin at that. Yeah..well..I haven't had any
interest at all in watching them for a long time.
Women, in general, just haven't meant anything to me in a while. I don't know
what that means.
With the question still lingering in my mind, I decide I'm hungry and eat at
the ESPN Cafe. I do a little more walking, browse in some stores, then head
back to the hotel. In the lobby, I purchase a local paper, then take the
elevator up to my room.
It's 8:00pm and I'm laying on the bed, bored out of my mind. Total crap on
TV. Seriously, how many times can a person watch Titanic? Learn to play
another movie, assholes. I'm flipping through the paper and stop on a page
with listings of clubs and bars. One ad catches my eye.
*The Carnivale, club for gays, lesbians, transvestites, etc. Enjoy dancing,
music, and drinks.*
It's located in the 'gay neighborhood' of Baltimore. I don't know why, but my
curiosity is piqued and I think about going. Besides, just going to a gay
club doesn't mean I'm looking to pick someone up. A guy can just go and have
a drink, can't he?
I'm not looking for anyone, I tell myself sternly. I'm just going to go out
and enjoy myself like I'm supposed to be doing. I change into a black T-shirt
and leather jacket(hey, might as well try and look good while I'm at it.) I
memorize the directions, grab my car keys, and head out the door.
Parking my car in the lot near the club, I see two men exit the building and
start kissing near the door. A smile touches my lips and I instantly reflect
on how I never smile when I see a man and a woman kissing on the street. This
brings to me the same puzzlement of earlier. Not wanting to analyze it right
now, I exit the car and walk up to the entrance.
The place is packed with people. There are men in drag
karaoke-singing for the crowd, loud music, guys dancing with guys, women
dancing with women. I like this place already. Even if I just sit here at the
bar for a few hours, it'll be worth it, being in an entertaining atmosphere.
I head over to the bar, take a seat at the far left and order a Corona. The
young, attractive bartender in a tight white tank top hands me my drink.
"There you are, good looking," he says. I smile and wink at him. He returns
the smile then turns to help the other customers. The Oxford Fox Mulder
would've bowed his head and blushed if that happened to him. I guess it goes
to show I have grown over the years.
My gaze travels over the room. I spot some couples, some men attempting to
pick up other patrons. Then my gaze falls on an attractive man standing at
the other end of the bar, lazily sipping his drink. He's wearing a beige knit
sweater and black slacks. His hair is cropped short, it's dark and rich in
color. His eyes, well it's kind of hard to tell from here, but I think they
may be green.
My god, is it a curse with me or something? Dark haired, green eyed men
follow me around? First Chris, then Alex, now..whoever this attractive guy
is. He looks oddly familiar though..
Our eyes meet and we stare at each other. I watch as he lifts his drink up to
me as if to toast, then takes a slow, long sip.
I raise my bottle as he did, still watching his slow languid movements as he
drinks. He radiates sex appeal and I feel my cock twitch just from watching
him. The man is..well, let's just be honest, the man is hot.
His drink now resting on the bar, he smiles at me, and I return it with a
half smile of my own. I don't know *why* I'm doing this, why I'm
acknowledging him like I'm interested because I'm not...Ok, maybe I am.
Still, I can do a one night stand without getting attached, right? I've done
He makes his way through the crowd and over to me. I clear my throat and turn
in my seat, facing him.
"Hi," he smiles, leaning close so I can hear over the music.
"Hey," I nod. Up close, he's even more handsome and..looks a little like
Chris. That's just too weird.
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"Uh, yeah sure." I wave my drink around in my hand and he smiles.
"Greg! Another Corona and a Guinness please," he calls to the bartender who
nods, offering a small smirk.
"So, I take it you come here often?"
"Actually, no," he corrects. "Not lately anyway. I used to..and Greg's an old
friend.." He pauses for a minute. "You know, you look awfully familiar. Have
we meet somewhere before?"
"I don't think so..I haven't been to Baltimore in years."
"Oh really? Where are you from?"
"Not that far away..why's it taken you so long to come back?"
Our drinks arrive and we both pause for a minute to take a sip. "I've just
been really busy with work.."
"What do you do?" He puts a hand gently on my shoulder. "And please, tell me
if I'm pushing too much. I tend to ramble and ask a lot of questions."
"No, its fine." I look at his hand, and he withdraws it. I can't tell if I'm
disappointed by that or not. "I'm an FBI Agent."
"Oh," he sounds disappointed and looks down.
"What, you don't like cops?" I tease.
But he looks back up, eyes serious. "No, no, it's not that..it's just..my
last relationship..was with a Baltimore cop...and..nevermind."
"You had a bad break up, so now you hate cops?"
"No..it's not like that. Just forget it, ok?"
"Sure.." We fall into an uneasy silence after that exchange. I shouldn't have
pushed so much. Maybe he really got hurt in that relationship.
He sighs heavily and I look at him. "I'm really sorry. I can't believe I
brought angst into the first few seconds of meeting someone. Have a good
night," he starts to head off.
"Hey!" I touch his arm and he turns around. "I didn't say for you to leave."
"Yes. Can't turn away the person that bought me a drink now, can I?" I smile.
I should've just let him walk away..but again, went against my better
He sits next to me, and takes another long drink. "What do you do?" I ask.
"I'm the owner of a small restaurant..not that far away from here. It's
called The Zodiac."
Ok, this is just too much of a coincidence. Not only does he resemble Chris
but Chris' dad owned restaurants..and Chris always told me how he was pretty
sure that he'd do that one day too. He loved to cook too..said that if he
didn't manage a restaurant that he'd become a chef.
Ok, let's see. Baltimore. Restaurant owner. Looks like Chris. It can't be...
"That sounds great."
"It's not that bad. We get a fair amount of business. At first, I took over
my fathers restaurant in town. But soon decided that I wanted one of my own.
And wanted to set it up in the predominantly gay neighborhood. Not that those
are the only people that show. We have a mix, I just thought it would be nice
to have a quiet place for the people of my community."
I barely hear anything he says after the 'father' part. Holy shit..it has to
be him. I can't believe this..and it must be showing on my face because..
"Are you all right? You look a little pale," I hear..Chris..oh god Chris,
"Yeah..I'm..I'm fine, I'm sorry, what's your name?"
Here we go.
"Chris," he laughs. "Sorry, that should've been the first thing I said. I'm a
little out of practice. You are?"
Let's see if he remembers. How many people can forget the name 'Fox'?
"Fox Mulder," I grip his hand and he freezes in mid shake.
"Fox.." He takes big gulp of his beer, draining the rest of the glass. "I
can't..do you remember me? Chris Rawls?"
"I remember you, Chris. I..started to put it together..then decided to ask
your name, see if I was right. This is.." I trail off.
"Yeah, it is.."
We look at each other, a little uncomfortable. He decides to speak again
before me. "So..how's the last twenty years treated you?" he attempts a
I snicker. "Not that great. You?"
I see the apologetic look in his eye and silently acknowledge it. "I..can't
"Wow..Fox Mulder. I never thought I'd see you again."
"God, we were what when we last saw each other? 17?
He leans closer, resting his elbow on the table. "You look even more amazing
than I remember," his voice is filled with the same huskiness that I've heard
from him once before.
This is not what I asked for. If he was a stranger, I'd have no problem going
home with him. But he's not. This is *Chris*. Chris who I had feelings for.
Chris who it took me months to stop thinking about every day. I gotta get out
"Umm, I should get going."
"It's still early."
I pick at the label on my beer. "Yeah, I know. I just..should go."
"I'm sorry..you've probably got someone don't you? Of course you do, I can't
expect you to be single after all these years."
"No, I don't have anyone, Chris. I just..shouldn't be here."
"Look..I'm not..I'm not expecting us to pick up where we left off. It would
be silly of me to assume that. I just think this is an amazing opportunity
for us to get reacquainted..I..used to think about you a lot. Still do
sometimes. Where you are, what you're doing now."
His words shock me. I was so sure that he never gave me another thought. To
know that we both didn't forget each other, fills me with warmth.
"I thought the same things."
I can tell he's pleased with my admission. "Look, why don't you come to The
Zodiac. Tomorrow, 8pm?"
"Chris, I don't.."
"We'll catch up on old times, drink some wine. Listen, here's my card." He
takes it out of his pocket and hands it to me. "The directions are listed on
the back. If you decide you want to, I'll be waiting. If not..well, then it
was nice seeing you again."
I nod, a little overwhelmed at his straightforwardness. "Bye, Chris."
He rests his hand on my forearm and squeezes it gently. "Bye, Fox."
I almost tell him not to call me Fox. But this is *Chris*. Chris, who I
always let call me Fox, before I even preferred 'Mulder.' I can't tell him
not to call me it. The truth is, I *want* him to.
I walk out of the club without looking back. On the drive home, my thoughts
are filled with childhood memories of Chris.
That night, laying in bed, I toss and turn, unable to think as I weigh the
pros and cons of going to dinner with him tomorrow. How many times when I was
younger did I hope and wish for just one more day with Chris. For just one
chance to ask him about that afternoon. About what he felt for me. And here
it is. The question is, *can* I ask him after all this time? Does one event
20 years ago, mean anything now? Can we just fall back into the easiness we
once had with each other?
There's only one way to find out.
Saturday, 8:02pm, The Zodiac.
I walk into Chris' restaurant and glance around. Very nice, homey atmosphere.
Just the kind of place I'd expect from Chris.
"Table for one, sir?" Asks a short woman with long curly hair and glasses.
"Actually, I'm having dinner with Chris.."
"Oh yes. Mr. Mulder. He'll be out in a minute. Follow me."
"Thank you." She leads me to a booth in the corner, then departs. I lay my
jacket next to me on the seat and straighten my sweater. A few minutes later,
I see Chris walking toward me.
"I'm so glad you came. Sorry for my tardiness." We shake hands.
"Not a problem. You have a restaurant to run," I say, throwing him a crooked
"Yes, well. They'll have to deal without me tonight." The determination in
his words frightens me. I remember the way Chris was back then. How open and
honest. I don't know if I can give him what he obviously wants from me. And I
certainly can't lead him on. In another time, and another place, if we'd met
again, I'd throw myself into a relationship with him. I'd want it so bad, the
idea of having a second chance..
And here I am..right now, that second chance right in front of me, and I
won't allow myself to take it.
Just enjoy the dinner, Mulder, and that's all.
"Please allow me the liberty of ordering the wine? We have an excellent
"By all means. You're the expert." I grin at him.
I don't think enjoying the evening will be too hard after all. He's got this
aura about him that just makes you want to smile. And his face..it's classic
beauty. I couldn't say that about Alex or James but his..it truly is.
"You ready to order, gentlemen?"
Chris looks up at one of his waiters. "I think so, Brian. Bring us a bottle
of Merlot. And I'll have the manicotti." Chris folds the menu and hands it to
I look thoroughly at the menu. "Wow..everything looks so wonderful. What do
"Well, the Rigatoni Belaire is out of this world."
"Is that a fact? Or your own personal opinion?"
"A little of both," he admits, eyes sparkling.
Damn I could fall hard for this man, again.
"I'll risk it," I tease and he laughs.
I hand Brian my menu and he departs.
"You're just as I remember, Fox. Although a little more self assured now."
"You can see all that, huh?"
"Well, you seem just the same Chris. Always were a charmer and easy going.
"Tell me, Fox..fill me in on the last twenty years."
"What do you want to know?"
"Do you always say what's on your mind?"
"No, not always," he grins evilly.
"Oh?" I raise my eyebrows.
"If I told you what was on my mind, I'd probably scare you off and never see
"I'm not a child, or an innocent for that matter, Chris. My first experience
didn't begin and end with you, you know," I snap, a little insulted.
The sparkle in his eyes fades and he looks down, ashamed. God, Mulder you
really are an asshole.
"That wasn't what I was implying...I'm sorry."
"Shit," I mumble under my breath. "No, I'm the idiot here. You were flirting
and I, of course had to reward it by making you feel ashamed."
"Why do you feel you have to do that? Fox, if you're not interested in me
that way, please tell me and I'll stop. And we'll just be friends."
At that moment the wine arrived.
"Thanks, Brian." Chris poured us each a glass and raised his. "To..new
I smile sadly and clink glasses with him. "This is wonderful, Chris."
"You were saying?"
"Mmm, I mean it. Delic.."
"Fox," he cuts me off.
Sighing, I put the glass down and lean forward. "I can't deny that I'm
attracted to you. And that years ago, I felt even more than that. I just
don't know what I want..if anything. I can't explain it..just, a lot has
happened to me over the years, with things like this."
He nods. "Look, why don't we just talk, enjoy ourselves, and see where this
goes. I won't deny it, Fox..I liked you a lot then, and already like you a
lot now. I'm one of those..romantics I guess you could say. I fall hard and
*This* sounds familiar.
"I could always trust you to be honest, Chris."
We stare at each other for long minutes. The temperature in the room feels
like it just rose ten degrees. The flame simmers a little when Brian
interrupts us with our plates of food.
"Ohh, this looks great."
"Enjoy," he grins.
"Enjoy your meal, Sirs." We both thank Brian and he departs. Now that I'm
sure there will be no more interruptions until after we're finished I feel
more at ease to start a discussion. But first, I want to try this food.
"Mmm..oh Chris, this is great."
He finishes chewing and smiles. "Glad you like it. This is one of my recipes
"I remember how much you loved to cook when we were younger."
"So, you wanted to know, about my life."
"Whatever you want to tell."
"Well, in 1983 I started to Oxford..."
"Oxford! That's fantastic. I always knew how smart you were."
I force a smile. "Yeah, well. Anyway, I went for Psychology. I ended up at
Quantico years later though..training for the FBI. I spent a few years in
Violent Crimes, before stumbling upon something called The X-Files. Oh god,
anything you feel for me will probably end now, once you hear how insane this
"What are you talking about?"
"Do you remember..when I told you what I thought happened to Samantha."
"Uh..yeah didn't you say something about aliens?"
"Yeah. So when I found The X-Files, forgotten cases once investigated that
had to do with paranormal activity, I quit VC. I was determined that by
working these cases, I'd find the truth behind what happened to my sister.
Thus began my long endless quest for the truth. A search that has taken me
and my partner through incredibly dangerous situations, conspiracies, and
lies. Just recently, my search has ended. The X-Files will continue. But I
know the truth, the truth is that everything was a lie. Still like me now?"
"I like you even more."
"Excuse me?" I ask, incredulously.
"To have that much passion about one thing. To give up a normal life all for
the desire to find a lost loved one. That's amazing. Truly amazing."
"You don't find that crazy or pathetic?"
"Not at all."
"Then you're the amazing one here. I can't tell you how many times people
have looked at me like I'm insane. Even my own partner has done it numerous
"I'd never do that," he whispers. I gulp and keep on chattering.
"Scully. My partner, Dana Scully. She's always been there for me though. She
might try and change my mind or try and disprove me, but when it matters,
we're always there for each other. She's probably wondering then, why she's
not here for me now."
"Well, because..I found out last week for sure that my sister is dead. And my
mother also passed away."
"Oh god Fox.." He places his hand over mine. "I'm so sorry."
"It's ok..in a way, I'm glad to finally know. I needed it. And my mom..well,
we grew far apart..but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm dealing
though." His hand moves over mine in small circles, soothingly. I let him do
that for a few more minutes before withdrawing my hand to pick up my wine
"So, that's me. Or basically, all I want to tell you right now. Now, tell me
"Well, after we moved.." He breaks off, a little sad. "I went to college at
UB. My parents weren't going to force me to move around with them anymore. So
they decided to settle in Florida, my dad eventually retiring. Like I said, I
took over his restaurant after college, but told them when they came up to
visit that I wanted to open my own. That was the day I told them I was gay
too. I figured they knew something was up before that, being they were
visiting me at my apartment which was in a gay neighborhood. They didn't take
it too bad. My parents were never prejudiced at all against people..."
"Yeah, I remember them. They were really nice," I interrupt.
"Yeah. So, they handled it pretty well. And that's basically it. My dad gave
me money to start this restaurant and a few years later, it was up and
running. I've had it for about..six years now. My parents are still living in
Florida, I go down whatever chance I get. That's all really..not very
interesting. I mean, how much do you want to know, how personal are we
"We don't have to get that personal."
He nods in understanding. We pass long minutes next by talking about lighter
subjects, our hobbies, interests, what kinds of movies we like, what type of
books we read. Soon, our plates are empty and we are sipping coffee and
"Now this Tartufo really *is* the best in Baltimore. It was claimed so in a
I put a piece in my mouth. "Mmm..yeah it's great. This has been wonderful,
Chris. I can't tell you the last time I had a really terrific meal."
I look around and see that the place has gotten less crowded. Glancing at my
watch, I see that it's almost 10:30. Wow..I didn't even realize. "You'll be
"Oh. Yeah, but I'm the owner..got the keys," he grins.
I smile and sip my coffee.
"How long are you in town?"
"Just a few days, probably."
I see a flicker of emotion cross his face that resembles disappointment, but
it's gone just as fast. "Where are you staying?"
"The Sheraton Inner Harbor."
"Yeah..it's late, I should get going."
"Are you sure?" His eyes are gleaming. God, he looks so good. And for the
first time, I realize that I really want this man.
And this is not good. Chris is not the type to do casual sex. If I asked him
that straight out right now, he'd confirm my answer.
The thing is, I don't want casual sex either. And that's why I have to leave
now, while I still can.
"Yes. I had a wonderful time."
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
Damn, he's determined. Usually, I'd admire that. But not when I want him so
badly it's going to take all my will just to keep from touching him. I should
just leave, go away and never see him again. But..I can't.
"Um..I'm not sure."
"Well, it's Sunday, my day off. Would you like to get together for lunch.
Maybe at the Brass Elephant?"
That's it, Mulder. Time to play it cool and keep your distance. Act casual
and act casual tomorrow. Don't set yourself up for getting fucked with and
you'll be fine.
"Sure, why not," I respond, as casually as I possibly can.
Perfect. He's the more excited one. Ok, good. I don't plan on hurting Chris.
Not at all. I just have to work out my feelings for him myself first before I
let him in on anything.
"How about noon? I'll pick you up at the hotel?"
"That's fine," I say. "Thanks again, Chris." I pick up my jacket and head for
the door. He walks with me.
"Thanks for coming, I had a great time." Once at the door, I turn to face
him, and can tell he wants to kiss me. He's holding back so hard. Instead, he
brushes a hand against my cheek lightly. "Goodnight."
"Night," I whisper and leave.
That night, I jerk off in my room, thinking of Chris, moaning Chris' name.
The same way I did over twenty years ago. My orgasm is strong and intense.
Laying there, breathing heavy, I think of how he could be next to me in this
bed right now if only I'd allowed it.
I'm in the lobby, waiting for Chris to show up. I decided to dress casual in
jeans and a sweater. I really hope he isn't too formal. He seems like the
formal type, and I didn't pack one Armani suit. Just then he walks in. And
good god, he *does* own a pair of jeans. Tight, black ones, that accent all
the right places. He's also wearing a white shirt and black jacket. He looks
damn good. I stand up and meet him half way.
"Ready to go?" He asks and I nod.
He owns a BMW. The man owns a BMW. I comment on the car.
"Yeah. It was my dad's, actually."
"Thanks. I don't know, sometimes I feel it's a little too flashy. Like if
people see it, they'll put a label on me..something that I'm not."
Leave it to him, to make me like him even more. The fact that he's so good
and down to earth, tears at my heart.
I'm staring at him, not even realizing I'm doing it, until he looks over at
me, grinning sheepishly. "What?"
"Nothing. So what's this place like?"
"Well its.." And we pass the rest of the drive with small talk like that.
Sitting in the restaurant, Chris is digging into a Caesar Salad while I've
settled on a BLT. We're sitting in a far corner, enough for privacy, if we
should need it.
"So..Fox. I'd like to talk about..that afternoon, if that's ok. Just talking
about it doesn't have to determine what we are to each other now. It's just
that, I always thought what I'd say to you, if we got the chance to talk
Looks like we'll need that privacy.
I clear my throat a little. "We can talk about it, Chris. I'd like that."
"I'll start I guess. Just in case you were wondering, back then, what I felt
for you..truth was I attracted to you the moment I met you. As our friendship
grew so did the attraction. The day I finally told you I was gay, I was so
scared, thinking I'd probably lose you. When you were fine with it and told
me you were bi, it was like the best thing in the world. That afternoon..god,
I had wanted you so bad, that when we finally started.." He broke and began
again. "When you ran out of there, I wanted so bad to follow, but my Mom said
we were running late.
"Then, she sprung on me that her and dad were taking me to a play with them
that night in Boston. So that's what we did. I couldn't get to you. By the
time I got home, it was really late and they were around, so again, I
couldn't talk to you. I figured 'oh well, we have the whole summer.' It was
just the fact that I didn't know what you were feeling that killed me. When I
went over your house the next day and your mother told me you were at your
father's for the rest of the summer, I nearly went crazy. When my mother told
me we were moving the next week, I did go crazy. I was at a loss, and there
was nothing I could do. So I wrote you that letter, saying not even a tenth
of the things I wanted to say to you, because of what you told me about your
I sit there stunned. Everything I had hoped to hear from him, I did. "I uh..I
liked you..from when I first met you also. So that afternoon..it was
everything I hoped for, and when it had to end, I hated it. I needed to know
what you were feeling too. So when my Mom told me that night I was leaving in
the morning, I panicked. I snuck out after she went to bed and tried to get
your attention, standing outside on your lawn. But your dog started barking
and I had to leave before your parents woke. My fuckin' father did not have a
phone at his summer house, so I couldn't even call you. When I got home, the
first thing I did was run to your house. That's when I found out..and when I
went home, I got your letter."
I could see the happiness in Chris' eyes at these words. "Talk about bad
I grin a little, my arms holding on the table. "Yeah..guess so."
He's looking at me, so intently that I have to wonder what's going on in that
head of his. When I see him lick his lips, it's not that hard to guess. What
am I gonna do about this? Why set myself up for another disappointment again.
When will I ever learn? I cough a little and look away.
"I'm sorry," he smiles. "I just can't get over how sexy you are."
"You'll have to learn, Fox. Being straightforward is a personality
characteristic of mine."
"And I admire that Chris, I do."
"Let's get out of here. What do you say?"
"Sure. I'm finished."
We leave and spend the entire day driving around, visiting tourist
attractions, some of Chris' favorite stores- one with tons of cookingware. Of
course he just *had* to do a little shopping spree in that one..says the
temptation is too great. That made me laugh. In fact, our whole outing had me
smiling. It had been so long that I simply enjoyed the company of someone.
Scully and I never really socialize outside of work, nothing like this. I
could get used to this. I really have to make my decision here. Am I going to
be a coward and squash this before it has a chance, or am I going to take the
risk? As we pull up in front of my hotel, I still haven't come up with an
We've just spent eight hours together and not once was I bored or found him
dull. He's the complete opposite- intriguing and interesting. I think I know
almost everything there is to know about him, with the exception of past
lovers. That topic has been off limits right now, as it should be. He just
kept talking and talking, and I loved every minute of it. So now, here we
are, sitting in the car. Our first uncomfortable silence of the day. I know
he wants to come upstairs. And I know I want him to come upstairs. The
question is, will I let him? Right now, the coward part is winning the
"I had a great time again."
I look at him, meeting his eyes. "I did too, Chris."
He places his hand on my thigh and rubs it gently. I suck in a breath and
hold his heated gaze. He leans in slowly, slowly, and then oh god, his lips
are on me, first my cheek, then gliding ever so slowly to my mouth. He nips
at my lower lip, takes it between his teeth, making me moan. Finally his lips
are sealed on mine and he's leaning over me, pushing me back into the seat.
His hand is in my hair and his lips are prying mine apart. I let him do that,
meet his tongue with mine for a few minutes. Just as it's getting deeper and
more passionate, I pull away.
"What?" He's breathing heavy.
"I should go."
He sighs, his forehead resting on mine. "What's the problem?"
"Nothing..I should just.."
"You can't use the late excuse, you know."
I pull away and look at him. "I wasn't planning to."
"What's going on here, Fox? First you tell me you're not an innocent, then
you tell me you are attracted to me, yet you don't seem to want this. I feel
we're having a really good time and I like you a lot. If I'm wasting my time,
please tell me."
"I..I don't know, Chris. I really don't know."
He nods in resignation and moves back to his seat. "Can I see you again?"
"I don't think so. Good-bye."
I get out of the car, not daring to look at his face again.
What the fuck am I doing?
Exactly what I should be..
God, I don't know..no, I don't think so.
Shit, couldn't expect him to give up without a fight, could I?
"Fox, wait a minute.." He grabs my arm and I turn to him angrily.
"What Chris, what do you want?"
"I think that's pretty obvious, Fox."
"What? That you want to fuck me? Yeah, that's obvious all right."
"No, you asshole. That I want *you*."
"And what exactly is the difference, huh?"
"Do you really think that little of yourself?" He asks in bewilderment. "I
want *you*, you as a person, you as the guy I once.."
"Just stop it Chris! You can spin this oh so romantic tale about how upset
you were when you had to move. Because tell me, did you EVER pick up a phone
and call me up!" I am screaming now and I don't care who hears. I have to
know, have to know the truth. If I *can* trust him.
"I..lost your phone number, I couldn't.."
"BULLSHIT! You could've found it by my address..you just didn't want to."
"You're right, I could have. Do you want to know why I didn't? Do you want to
know the real reason?"
"The truth, you mean? Of course. Why not? That's all I do is look for the
"I didn't call you, not because I didn't want to. But because I *wanted* to
so badly. Don't you see? What would've happened if I called you? We both
would've said how miserable we are, how we wish we could undo what happened,
knowing that we couldn't. What were we supposed to do? Have a long distance
relationship? I couldn't do that, Fox. There was no way in hell I could've
done that. I couldn't talk to you, write you letters, without seeing
you..touching you. For fuck sake, I loved you!" He closes his mouth shut
immediately at those words. As if he didn't mean to say them. Maybe he
didn't. He..loved me?
"You know what? I'm sick of the 'Chris..' that's about the fifth time you've
done that. I don't need this. I can't understand how me liking you, and
wanting to try and start a relationship with you, has made me the bad guy
here. But if that's what you'd like to go on thinking, then fine. I was so
happy to have you back in my life, but now...now I'd like you to just stay
out of it," he turns to leave, and I see a drop of moisture in his eyes. I
can't move. I'm frozen in that spot and I watch him go. I stand there staring
at where his car was parked even minutes after he left.
What the fuck have I done?
I go up to my room and lay down on the bed, my mind racing. Maybe I should
just leave. I was planning on going in a few days anyway, I should just quit
now while I'm ahead. Just chalk it up to a mistake that wasn't meant to be.
But you don't know that, do you? You're not even giving him a chance. He
likes you..he used to..god, I still can't get over that. And I like him. A
lot. This was one of the best days I've had in a long time. He's such a great
person to spend time with. He wants a..relationship with me. Do I want this?
Who's to say this won't end up like all the others? And then again, who's to
say it will?
Maybe, if I play it differently this time, it'll work out. Maybe if I tell
Chris straight out about my relationship insecurities. Tell him how all the
others failed and that's made me hesitant to try again. Surely he can
understand that, can't he? Face it, Mulder, you've got something here that
you know can be the real thing and *that* is scaring you to death..because
you actually want it. Tomorrow morning, first thing, I will go and talk to
The Zodiac, 7:56am
I walk into The Zodiac during the breakfast rush, I can tell. I spot Noreen
and walk up to her.
"Hi, I'm not sure if you remember me? I was here with Chris the other night."
"Sure, Mr. Mulder. How are you?"
"Fine, thanks. Actually, I was wondering if Chris was here."
"No, he decided to take the day off. I hope he's not coming down with
anything..." Just then a waiter dropped a tray of dishes near the kitchen.
"Shit. I'm sorry hon, it's crazy this time of morning."
"I understand. I just really need to see Chris. Could you tell me his
She's fidgeting a little and I can tell she really wants to get on with her
work, but she jots down the directions for me quickly anyway. I thank her for
her time, and leave for Chris'.
It's only a few blocks from the restaurant and I find it easily. It's a very
nice brownstone apartment building. Top floor, apartment 54, Noreen said.
Luckily, someone was leaving the building as I was walking in, so I don't
have to worry about him not buzzing me up. I take the elevator up and step
out into the spacious hallway. There's only three apartments on this floor,
and they're located pretty far away from each other. Something tells me his
place is huge.
I knock on the door and stand looking down, waiting for him to answer.
"Just a sec," I hear him call through the door. God, I love that voice.
I hear the locks turning and then I'm looking at him. I can tell he's
"What are you doing here?"
"I needed to talk to you."
He sighs and moves aside to let me enter. "Come on in."
He's in a T-shirt and boxers. Shit, did I wake him?
"I'm sorry for coming so early. Did I wake you?"
"Yeah, but it's ok. I haven't slept this late in years, actually. It's not a
habit I want to get into, so you're doing me a favor." He pauses for a
minute. "Would you like some coffee?"
"Sure," I say and look around the apartment. It's huge, like I thought. The
living room is nicely furnished, the kitchen is half the size of my
apartment. He has a huge refrigerator, an island, chopping block, large sink,
and a little breakfast nook in the corner, next to a large Victorian window.
"This place is beautiful, Chris."
"Thanks," he says, back to me as he makes the coffee. "I moved here a few
years ago when the restaurant started doing really well."
I stand near the island, watching him from behind. We don't speak again until
he hands me a cup of coffee. I say my thanks and we fall into uneasiness. The
ball's in my court I guess, since I came over.
"What are you doing here really, Fox?"
Ok, guess you wanted the ball first.
"I just need to talk to you, about last night."
"There's nothing to talk about. I think I got my answer."
"If you did, I wouldn't be here, would I? Just let me explain."
"Ok." He puts his mug down and folds his arms.
My turn now. Here we go.
"You probably don't believe this but I do like you, Chris. I like you more
that I have anyone in a long time. So instead of blowing you off without a
reason, I decided to tell you why I
I've been acting the way I have. The old lover subject has been pretty much
off limits with us, but I'm going to have to bring it up now. I've had...many
painful relationships over the years. In each one I ended up getting betrayed
and hurt. First, it was with this guy James at Oxford. I had a lot of self
esteem issues that he helped me with, and then he ended up cheating on me.
After that I had a rebound relationship with a man-eating woman, Phoebe, who
chewed me up and spit me out like I was nothing. After that, just before I
found The X-Files, I actually got married to Diana, who used me for her
career purposes and when she realized she could get something better
someplace else, decided to leave me.
"And the latest one, about six years ago, was Alex Krycek. I fell in love
with him and then found out he was working for the people responsible for my
sister. The thing is, with him, my hesitancy to start another relationship
began. I fought and fought my feelings for him until I eventually gave in.
During our relationship I was distant with him, thought that if he didn't
know how I felt, then he couldn't possibly hurt me. I thought that if I
didn't tell him about what happened with my old lovers that he would not do
the same things. I was wrong and so after that I kept myself emotionally
"So now, with you..well, even before I came to Baltimore, while I was driving
here, I kept telling myself how I'm never going to start another
relationship. And here you are, wanting exactly that from me. And I have no
clue what I want to do."
He stares at me for a few seconds before brushing past me into what I imagine
is the bedroom. I follow after him, finding him opening and closing his
dressing drawers, looking for I don't know what. I watch his movements for a
while longer before talking. "Could you at least say something?"
"What would you like me to say?
"Well, I was hoping you'd understand."
"You want me to understand." He stops what he is doing and looks at me. "What
exactly would you like me to understand, Fox? That you've been hurt? That I
should feel sorry that those people did these things to you? Well, I am. I'm
damn sorry that you've been hurt like this but I'm even sorrier that you've
*let* them do this to you."
"Excuse me? Let.."
"Yes, let. Come on, Fox, they've gotten exactly what they wanted. They hurt
you the most in the long run. Instead of saying 'fuck it all' you've been
carrying yourself with a wounded heart all these years when you should be
going out there and taking the chance again! Why let these bad relationships
dictate your life? Do you think you're the only one that has ever been hurt?
I've been hurt too you know." He punctured the 'I' by hitting his chest. "I
went out with a man, Tim. The cop I told you about. And I loved him, god how
I loved him.."
"Do you still?" I interrupt, frightened by how much I need this answer.
"Part of me will always love him yes, but that's not the point. The point
is..well, I was his first gay relationship. He was exploring his feelings and
I was lucky enough, I guess you can say, to be the one he chose. We were
together for almost a year, until he broke it off. He loved me but couldn't
put me before his job and career. He couldn't get past the rumors and jokes
in the office. Do you know what that's like? How it feels to have someone
tell you that they do love you, but it's not enough? See, you are thinking
that I'm the opposite of you. Can't you see we're the same? God, you can't
imagine what I'm feeling, knowing that you're an FBI Agent. Who's to say that
you're not going to do the exact same thing as Tim? Discretion in your job is
a must. How am I supposed to know that if we start dating, a month, a year or
*five* years from now, you're not gonna tell me that it's too much for you to
handle and you want out. And how are you supposed to know that I won't do the
same thing as all the rest, besides me telling you that I won't? You and I
both have worries about starting something here. The only difference is, I'm
willing to take the risk."
Angered now, I step up into his personal space. "I *am* willing to take the
fucking risk and as for the job thing, he's an idiot to have let you go over
that. And you don't know me well enough to say that I'd do the same thing
because unlike Tim probably, I *have* no reputation to protect at the Bureau.
I've been ostracized into the fuckin' basement and labeled "spooky" by my
peers. Once a "Brilliant profiler," I've been claimed to have "wasted" my
life searching for something only I believed in. For people to hear that
crazy Fox "Spooky" Mulder is gay, would probably not be that much of a shock.
So don't pass your preconceptions of cops onto me!"
I push him and he grabs me by the forearms. "I know you're not like that. I
just wanted to hear you say it."
"You bastard," I whisper.
Standing chest to chest, our bodies heaving, I lean in and kiss him hungrily.
Chris melts against me, moaning as our tongues meet. I kiss him as deep as I
can, wanting to consume Chris. All Chris. And he feels so right. We blindly
move toward the bed, never once breaking our embrace. He rids me of my shirt
and jacket before we hit the mattress. His queen size, iron post bed is so
soft. He scrapes at my back, holding me tight to him as I work my mouth down
to his neck. I slip my hands beneath Chris' T-shirt and lift it up over his
head, my mouth separating from his skin only for a second before I return it
again, this time moving down to his nipple.
Running my tongue over the hard nub makes him moan deeply and I just love the
sound. I efficiently take off his boxers and run my hands up and down his
hard thighs. Suddenly the tables are turned and he's on me, frantically
trying to get my jeans down and finally accomplishing. Then, all at once,
he's calm and gentle, pushing my boxers down to pool around my knees. His
tongue travels up my knee across my inner
thigh..closer...closer..until..oh god he's there..the warmth of his mouth
consuming my cock..sucking..oh..licking, flicking..yes Chris..oh yes..
I want to say these things, but I'm beyond words. I'm letting out incoherent
grunts and groans instead and he just keeps on sucking. Good..don't you dare
stop..I'm running my hands up and down his forearms, kneading his shoulders
with my fingers. His skin is sweaty and oh god he's taking me all all the way
in..sucking..licking..oh alternating between the two. My neck is arched back
against the pillow and hitting the iron bars on the bed post as I thrust my
body under his mouth. And then it's on me, the tightening in my balls, the
flush of orgasm running through me, as he swallows ever drop of my cum.
He's kissing me now, and I'm holding him there. My left hand travels down to
his cock, only to find it sticky and softening. I pull away to look at him,
with the question in my eyes and he grins sheepishly. "I uh..came in the
I grin, enjoying watching him squirm. "You must really like that sheet huh?"
"Oh yes, we have a special relationship," he throws back, just as witty.
"Crazy," I proclaim and pull him down to me, laughing. When's the last time I
actually laughed in bed? I sigh as he kisses my neck over and over.
"So, I guess we're starting something here?" comes a muffled voice near my
I laugh. "Yeah, I believe you can say that."
But when he looks at me, I can tell that he's serious and this conversation
means a lot to him. "I'm glad. Look, I'm sorry for the way I was the last few
days..pushing you like that. If I were you, I wouldn't even want me after all
that. It's just that this is the first time I've felt like this since Tim."
"It's ok, Chris. Hey," I hold his face in my hands. "I needed a little shove
in the right direction." I let go of his face and stroke his hair. "So,
there's been no one else since Tim?"
"No. I wasn't lying when I said I haven't been clubbing in a while." He moves
away from my hand and caresses my cheek, his body weight shifting so that
he's half way on top of me. "To think the first time I go there I find.."
He breaks off when I lower my eyes. "I warned you that I say how I
feel..comes when I least expect it."
"I know..I know."
"I'll try and hold back..sometimes if you want."
I pull him against me, his heads buried in my neck. "You don't have to..like
I said, I want this. Taking it slow would be good though. I mean, the
emotional stuff." He grins at my clarification.
"Oh so..not the physical stuff huh?" Chris teases, his hand wandering up and
down my chest.
"Uh no..I think it's safe to say we can dive into that at full force."
"Mmm good," he whispers against my lips before claiming them with his mouth.
We kiss for a while, then just lay together talking. Jesus, when was the last
time I just lay in bed *talking* with someone? It's a wonderful feeling.
"You wanna watch TV?"
"Sure," I respond and he flips it on with the remote.
"Think we can actually find anything on?"
Mmm..I love that nuzzling thing he does. "At 10am? Besides Rosie, no."
He giggles at that and changes the channel. After one time around he throws
it down, defeated.
He glares at me in mock anger. "You were right." I pull him in for another
round of kissing.
"I have to..mmh..do you..want..breakfast?" he gasps out, trying to talk
around my tongue.
"In a minute," I mumble, swallowing his tongue into my mouth. Yeah a minute,
or ten minutes or an hour. Whatever, I just wanna keep you in this bed a
I eventually let him up, and he looks down at me as he slips on his boxers.
"Your fault. Your mouth is damn addictive."
"I'm not complaining. Stay here. I'll be right back. Or take a shower if
"Ah..I think I'll wait for you for that, if it's ok."
"Well, if you must," he rolls his eyes, trying to hid a grin.
I slap his ass. "Get going." I lay there laughing in his bed, waiting for
Chris to return and when he does, he brings a bed tray with a Spanish omelet,
toast, orange juice, coffee, and a bowl with fruit salad.
"Shit, Chris, you didn't have to do all this."
"Oh shush. It was nothing."
"I can see that," I laugh, "you did all this in no time."
"Years of practice. Hope you like it," he says, gesturing to the omelet.
"I'm sure I will. Why only the salad?"
"Not that hungry this morning."
We eat our breakfast and when we finish, we shower together. Well, we do a
little more than showering. In fact, he almost falls, courtesy of my mouth.
We climb out of the tub and he hands me a towel. Drying off, we walk back to
bed naked, draping the sheet over our bodies.
"Is this our plan for today?"
"What?" he groans, resting an arm across my middle.
"Laying in bed."
"You got a problem with that?" He kisses my chest.
"No problem at all."
So, that's what we do. We talk, kiss, make love, eat, talk some more. It's
almost 11pm now. We just came rubbing against each others bodies and now
we're sweaty and sated.
"Uh, I don't think I could get it up again if I tried."
I chuckle. "Same here. I should get going."
"Get going?" He looks at me, disappointed.
"Well..yeah. I don't want to, but it's sorta foolish to spend $300 a night on
a hotel room and not use it."
"Yeah, why not? It's silly, like you said, to waste the money, and well, how
long do you plan on staying in Baltimore anyway?"
"Well, *now* I guess a few more weeks. My boss said to take as much time as I
"See? So why throw all that money away in a hotel for the next few weeks? You
can stay here, do whatever you want during the day or at night when I'm at
work. It'll be good."
"I..Chris I don't know. Shit, I forgot about you working."
"Yeah. I won't work as I usually do though. Normally, I have nothing else to
do, so that's why."
"Still..I mean, I'd like to, but..I thought we agreed to take things slow.
This is uh, kinda like living together."
Chris sits up sharply. "Why do you think that? Come on, Fox, you're going
back to D.C. in a few weeks. This isn't living together, I'm not *that*
pushy." He laughs halfheartedly.
"Ok, I'll do it. I'll check out tomorrow."
The next day, I do just that. He works a mid day shift and comes back at
night. Our time is spent with conversation, laughing and just being together.
"So, this Alex..you don't seem as bitter with him as the others."
"I've basically forgiven him."
"Do you still love him?"
"Yeah, part of me. Like you and Tim I guess."
"Yeah..I love him a little. I can love him in a bittersweet way now. The
initial pain has faded and I don't resent him. And I don't love him in a way
where I can't love anyone else. I love him emotionally, not physically. I
don't want to sleep with him anymore.
"Well, good. Same way I feel about Alex."
"You love Scully."
"Yes. Unconditionally. But it's the way a sister and brother love. She's the
Sam I never had."
"You never wanted her?"
"I did..I used to sometimes. But in the long run I knew that the love we have
now would overcome any type of physical love. I just don't want it with her."
"Do you believe that there are two people in this world that are meant for
"...yeah, I think so."
"I'm not so sure. It's weird, I can believe in aliens, vampires, and
monsters, but I can't believe in true love."
"It's because you haven't found it yet."
"No..I don't think so. I believed in vampires before I found them. Yet I've
never believed in the idea that two people are meant to be."
"Think about it..we spend our lives doing what? Looking for love. We go
through series of relationships in order to find the right match. To me, the
one person you find, that you end up spending your life with, is your true
love. See, I loved Tim, but I can't say he was my "true love" because if he
was, I'd still be with him, wouldn't I?"
"Yeah..that makes sense.."
"So are you still bi?"
"See, that's the thing. I don't think so. I've been thinking about it
recently and just little things are pointing to me maybe being totally gay. I
feel stupid though..like it's too late in life to be re-identifying my
"It's never too late, Fox. Tim was 37 when he realized he was bi. What's the
difference from you realizing you are gay?"
"I guess nothing.."
"There you go. So..is it official?"
"Yeah..yeah, I'm gay."
"How did you two meet?"
"He was the detective working on a murder case where the victim was left in
the dumpster outside my restaurant."
"Yeah, I was pretty shaken up. Plus, it turned out I knew the man killed."
"Yeah..so, I was attracted to Tim right from the start, did little things
like staring appreciably at him, complimenting his tie. He was so cute and
flustered at that. Finally, after the case was solved, I decided to go down
to the station and ask if he'd like to have dinner some time, what the hell,
right? He knocked my socks off when he suggested *that night*. We had dinner,
and I guess you can say..that started Tim's initiation of gay sex.."
"Do you have a picture of him?"
"Yeah, somewhere around here. You'll have to let me up though."
"Wow..he's really good looking.."
"Fox? You've been silent for a while. Are you ok?"
"No, I just..seeing the guy I'm replacing.."
"Listen to me. You are *not* his replacement and he's not your competition,
you got me?"
"So Jason was before Tim?"
"Yeah, we were together for three years."
"And he broke it off?"
"Are you listening to me?"
"No, you're not."
"Mmmf..yeah I am."
"You're..oh..kinda preoccupied I think."
"You're imagining things."
"No, I don't think I'm imagining your tongue running all over me."
"Shut up and keep talking."
"That makes absolutely no sense. Ouch! You fuckin' bit me!"
"That's for being a wise ass."
"Bitch. Ok, so who was before that?"
"And that lasted two years. He left me for someone else."
"Your relationships certainly have longevity."
"Well, yeah. I don't do casual sex. Though I'm sure you've guessed that by
"Oh, I might have *some* idea. Ouch! Shit!"
"Being a wise ass again."
"Yeah, but you like that."
"Shit, you're right. So yeah, I'm also the monogamous type. When I'm with
you, that's it."
"Yeah, same here, Chris."
"So who was before Daniel?"
"But we weren't together."
"Yeah but my feeling were for you only..for a long time."
"Is that a problem?"
"No, No. I'm..flattered."
"Good. Now that's enough talking.."
And so that's what the conversations were like the last few weeks. We'd talk
forever and you know, whoever says that talking's overrated, they don't know
what the hell they're saying. Any two people can fuck. Two people actually
having a conversation out of bed *or* more so, laying *in* bed and having a
conversation..now that takes work. And these five weeks we've had so many,
I've lost count.
Tomorrow I leave for D.C. and I can tell he's unhappy. Yesterday, he was
pretty down. I keep reminding him that we're only 40 minutes away and he
keeps reminding me about our work schedules. And he's right. It's going to be
hard to see each other a lot. I get off work pretty early, unless I'm on a
case. Still, if I come down here, he may be working that day and then we'll
have only a few hours together. I can spend the nights here and do the
morning commute. I don't know, we'll work something out. We both are in
agreement about one thing: it's worth it.
I've attempted to cook him dinner and god I'm lucky I didn't wreck his
kitchen. After numerous tries at making fried chicken and pasta primavera,
I've finally given up. When he comes home to find a take out pizza on the
table he just laughs and kisses me.
We get ready for bed. I walk into the bathroom to pee and when I exit he's
laid out on the bed, naked. His hard cock rising against the dark curls of
his groin. My audible gasp resounds through the room.
"I want you tonight, Fox. I need to do this before you leave."
We haven't had anal sex yet and it's not like we're virgins; far from it.
It's just that we both feel that anal sex shouldn't mean *everything* in a
gay relationship. I mean, you're gay, people *immediatly* assume that you
take it up the ass. That that's all there is to it. And although Chris and I
*do*, it doesn't need to be the basis of our relationship. We both want to do
it, but agreed that there's no rush. There are plenty of other things we can
do. And we have. But now..now he wants it.
"Do you want it just because I'm leaving?"
"That's part of it, but not all of it. We both know that we want this, that's
no secret. Tonight..tonight I need to be yours and tomorrow night at this
time, I want to still be able to feel you. I want to see marks on my body
made by your mouth. I just want you to claim me."
"This isn't the end, Chris."
"I know that."
"I'm going to be back in three days."
"I know. Fox, do you want me?"
"Of course I do, Chris. God, I'm hard as stone just looking at you right
"Then that's all that matters now, isn't it?"
I grin and stalk towards him, slipping out of my boxers on the way.
I climb onto the bed and straddle his chest, my cock bobbing in front of his
face. He groans and licks at the engorged head. I moan and let my head fall
back. He laps it for few more seconds before licking up and down the sides of
my shaft, then sucking me in.
"Ohhh.." I moan and start moving against his face. His hands travel up and
down my abdomen, then up to my face where he traces his finger against my
lips. I open them to him and suck it in, mimicking what he's doing to my
cock. Soon I'm thrusting my body back and forth, pushing against his finger
and his mouth at the same pace. But no...I have to stop or it'll be over..
I pull away and he groans.
When I take the condoms and lube out of the drawer though, he grins. I lick
his body, starting with his neck..then down his chest..across his sides, over
his back, each spot I leave wet with my saliva. I probe his ass with my
fingers, put on the condom and lube and slide into him slowly. We're on our
sides and the bed is rocking with our movements...god he's so hot and
tight..and I tell him this..oh shit..he's pushing back against me..my balls
hitting his ass on every inward stroke..my arms are wrapped so tightly around
him, that he has to struggle for breath. I push into him harder and faster.
Now he's on his stomach and I'm pushing him into the mattress. Oh it's on
tonight...I wanted this to last long and I can tell it's going to. I thank my
stamina. He's grunting into the pillows and chanting my name. I can't believe
I didn't want Alex to talk during sex..can't believe I didn't want him to use
my name. With Chris I can lose all of those reservations that I had..with
Chris everything just feels *right*.
"Oh fuck..harder Fox.."
I pull out swiftly, shocking him.
""Shh.." I say and roll him onto his back, lifting his legs. He gets it now,
and lets them rest on my shoulders. I hold onto the condom tightly and slide
back in. He lets out a shout of pleasure as I start fucking him harder than
before. Our mouths slide against one another, kissing frantically as I pump
his cock..oh fuck is this good..so damn good..
"Ohh..oh fuck..Chris!" My body freezes as I release my seed into the condom
and rest my sweaty body on top of his. I nuzzle his throat and continue
stroking his cock. He comes a second later, moaning my name loudly. We lay
there..listening to each others ragged breaths for a while before I get up to
throw away the condom and get a towel. I clean the both of us up then get
under the sheet with him. We hold onto each other for a long time, each lost
in our thoughts, I imagine. He murmurs sleepy endearments at me that I can't
understand. Never did I expect to find *this* in Baltimore. And I'm damn glad
I did. I fall asleep wrapped in his arms.
The next day I leave..and think of Chris constantly until I return three days
later. It's weird that I think of him so much. And that I miss him like
crazy. The second I knock on his door it opens and I'm in his arms. It feels
wonderful. I feel safe. Like all the lies in the world can be vanquished by
these two strong arms. We have a wonderful weekend and I leave Monday
morning. Scully's worried about me and keeps calling but I have my phone
turned off. So when I walk into the office she yells at me saying 'why must
you make me worry' blah blah blah and 'you haven't been acting like yourself
since the news, what is *wrong*, Mulder?' In that determined, 'I mean
business' tone that only she can give.
I tell her to stop worrying. That nothing is wrong and I'm doing a lot
better. She gives me a hard stare and tries to read my face for any
deception. I guess she found none because she just throws her hands up and
says 'All right. Well, we have meeting with Skinner so let's go. I think he's
sending us on a case.' I groan and ask if she knows how long we will be gone.
She looks at me oddly. I've never once asked that and I've never given any
grief about going out of town. She's always been the one with that role.
"I'm not sure, Mulder. Why..you got a hot date?" I can hear the tease in her
voice. As a matter of fact I do, though. Chris was coming out here tonight.
I say nothing and walk past her, grinning.
I turn with a dramatically innocent face on. "Why Agent Scully, I don't have
the slightest idea what you're talking about." Throwing her a smirk, I walk
out with my partner on my heels.
Goddamnmotherfuckingshit. Looks like we're on our way to California to check
out some weird gothic type killing. I'm in my car on my way home to pack and
take out my cell to dial Chris' number.
"Hmm..have no clue." I can hear the smile in his voice and laugh.
"Oh shut up."
"Oh! You're the guy who's cock was in my mouth last night," he exclaims with
mock astonishment, "what can I do for ya?"
"All right, smart ass."
"Speaking of asses..can't wait to see yours tonight..god Fox I wanna.."
"Chris, please. You'll make this harder."
"What?" I hear the fear in his voice and immediately know he's misunderstood.
"Don't tell me you're breaking this off Fox.."
"Not at all. It's just..I have a case. I'm leaving in an hour for L.A. And
hearing about what you wanted for tonight is not making this easier. I was
looking forward to having you out here."
"I'm sorry, Chris."
"Hey, no problem. We both knew you'd have to go back to real life eventually.
When will you be back?"
"Not sure..the case doesn't look too hard so hopefully not long. I'll call
"Ok, be careful."
I grin into the phone. "I will. Bye."
So I go home, pack and head to pick up Scully. I call Chris every night that
I'm gone and one night Scully almost heard me as we decided to have a little
phone sex..her door was connected to mine and when she knocked to ask me if I
wanted something from the soda machine, I had to catch my breath before
answering normally. There was some sick thrill at almost being caught. When
we leave Friday night I go directly to Chris' after dropping Scully off. It
feels so natural. And he's so damn affectionate. Always hugging and touching
me. When we walk down the streets, he holds my hand and doesn't care at the
looks we get. I don't care either. In fact, I'd hold his hand walking around
in D.C. and not even care if I passed someone from the Bureau. When you lose
almost everything, then get a second chance, you realize there is more to
life than just work. And it's about time I start living.
The months move along progressively and it's obvious Chris and I have fallen
into a routine and I'm not ashamed to admit it. A routine in the sense that
we see each other about four days a week including every weekend. I sleep
over his house, mostly, because my nights are more flexible than his. We have
a little routine at night before we get ready for bed. He washes up while I
get undressed, I wash up while he gets undressed, etc. I spend more time at
his place than my own apartment and Chris often jokes about how I should just
move in. But every time he says that, I know I'm not imagining that twinge of
hope in his voice that wants me to say 'you know, maybe I should.' And..I
have been thinking about it.
It's clear that things are getting pretty serious. I still haven't been too
comfortable with endearments around him..I know how I feel in my mind, and
for me, that's enough. And although Chris has tried to accommodate me, he's
slipped a few times. It's not hard to guess how he feels about me when
sometimes out of nowhere 'I lo..' slips out before he can stop himself. And
then there's the little fact that sometimes while he's sleeping and I'm
having one of my bouts of insomnia, he'll turn over into my chest and mumble
'I love you.' And I know I love him..I'm just waiting for the right time to
tell him, or maybe till I feel that I *can* tell him. Although my hang-ups
for why I didn't tell Alex aren't appearing in this relationship..I'm still
feeling scared. And I know that he's waiting for this too. Because once I say
the words, I'll be able to say them all the time..and he wants that before he
tells me. I admire him for not pushing.
Our six month anniversary has just passed, and Scully is finally going to
meet Chris. When I told her about him and my sexuality a few days ago..she
took it pretty well. I could tell she was surprised but Scully is no
homophobe. I knew I wouldn't have *those* types of problems with her. It's
just something she never expected from me. Now, I did not tell her about
Alex. I don't know if I ever *could* tell her about Alex. She's always held
animosity towards him..and she wouldn't be able to understand that I don't
anymore. Still, I had no idea *who* he was when we were together, so she
can't hold what he became against me. I don't know, one thing at a time.
First off, she is going to meet Chris. She was a little upset that I waited
six months to tell her, but could understand I guess. I told her a lot about
him and we are to meet at Chris' restaurant tonight at 7.
Dinner is going well. Chris is being his ever charming self as usual and
talking about me profusely to Scully, making me blush like crazy. We had a
few awkward silences in the beginning but it's gotten better now. Scully
seems fascinated with Chris and just keeps listening to him go on and on.
"Yes, he can ramble, Scully."
"Ohh. You're going to pay for that one." He grins and Scully blushes.
She asks how we met and Chris tells her about our childhood. She gives me a
glare about how I never told her this and I just shrug. By the end of dinner,
I know Chris has completely won her over. She takes me aside as I walk her
out to her car.
"He's wonderful, Mulder."
"Yeah, you think?"
"Of course! Don't you?"
"Yes. He's amazing."
"Why Mulder, I do believe you're glowing."
"I don't *glow*, Scully." I scowl at her defiantly.
"There it is."
"That look. That shy embarrassed, defiant look. You're in love, Mulder."
"And you've had too much wine."
"You haven't told him, have you?"
I sigh and put my hands on my hips. "Scully..*please* don't play mother hen
"You're an idiot, Mulder." She says getting into her car. As she drives away
she mouths at me 'tell him.'
Almost a year...almost a goddamn *year* together. And it hasn't gotten old or
stale or boring. Each day with him is like the first day. Each time we make
love is like the first time. Lately the talk of moving in together has gone
from joking to totally seriously and tonight, lying in bed with him, I agree.
His excitement led to another heated session...
So the next day, I hand my key to my landlord and we start to pack everything
up, except for the furniture. In that case, it doesn't take too long. Scully
helps us drive all the boxes back to Chris' place and now we are sorting
through the boxes. Chris opens the box with my dishes and coughs as a wave of
dust hits him. He takes one out and holds it up to me, accusingly.
"Fox..don't tell me you put all these in here without *washing* them? Look at
all this dust!"
He shakes his head. "I can't believe you brought your flatware in the first
place," he laughs, "you know I have more than enough."
I smirk at him. "Well, you know, I figured I had to provide *something* in
He slaps my ass and walks past me to another box. "Shit, look at all this
junk, this is crazy, Fox."
He holds a box of all my newspaper clippings in his hands and turns to face
"Hey, it's interesting stuff Chris."
"Come on..do you really need all this? Some are from the Weekly World News,
for god sakes! What do you have in your hand?" He looks at the box. "More!"
"Ok, ok, we'll sort through them later."
"Good." He kisses me softly on the lips and I lean into it eagerly.
"Good.." I mumble against his mouth and press my lips to his again.
"Have I..told you how happy I am about you moving in?"
"Only about a million times." I suck his bottom lip into his mouth. "I'm
happy too.." And he's tightening one hand around my back as we kiss hard.
"Hey Mulder..what the hell should I do with all these Sci-fi magazines?"
Scully must be in the room but I'm too wrapped up in Chris to care.
What was that? Whatever. The box falls from his hand about the same time as
mine does and we claw at each other.
I break my seal on his mouth and kiss down his neck. "What Scully?"
"Nevermind.." I can hear the smile in her voice. "I'm gonna go ok...I'm
pretty sure you two can..handle things here."
"Bye..S-Scully." Chris manages to choke out.
She laughs and leaves.
"Mmm.." He moans and we stumble over the boxes as he pushes me back to the
couch. I blindly push everything onto the floor and then lower myself onto
it, with Chris on top of me. He pulls away from me for a minute and just
stares at me, stroking my face. I can see the love in his eyes. We suck and
lick at each others skin while our hands frantically undo each others pants.
Finally my hand is wrapped around his cock and his around mine. We stroke
them in time with each other, rubbing them together, feeling the friction of
each others hands moving as one. Our cries are muffled as we come, deafened
by each others mouths.
We lay panting for a while, licking each others hands clean before Chris
says, "Come on, let's clean all this mess up so we can go to bed."
"I'm not gonna argue there." I smile and allow him to pull me up.
It takes us three hours to finish unpacking and putting everything away. Now
we are laying in *our* bed, after another session of lovemaking. I'm halfway
on top of Chris with my head resting on his chest and my hand running up and
down it, while his strokes my hair. I take a deep breath and give voice to
the words I'm finally secure enough to say.
"I've never told anyone I've loved them before." At this moment I feel his
hand stiffen for a moment, then continue the lazy stroking. "It started..with
James. I loved him so much but he didn't know that..no, that's not true..I'm
sure he knew. The fact is, he *did* know, and still hurt me.
"So from then on, I thought why the hell should I say those words, why put my
feelings out there, when all I do is get hurt anyway. So I never said them
again. Never to Phoebe, never to Diana, my own wife. Never to Alex..Alex who
said them to me..ha..actually I said them to Scully but didn't mean them in
*that* way, you know?" I look up at him now, and I can't read his face. "But
now..I want to say them. For the first time, I feel like I *can* say them. I
love you, Chris."
A soft smile now touches his lips. "I love you, Fox," he says and pulls me
Resting in his arms, I know with ever fiber of my being this is the truth;
this is real.
~When you feel all alone
and the world has turned
it's back on you
give me a moment please
to tame your wild, wild, heart
I know you feel like the walls are
closing in on you
It's hard to find relief
and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door
and you feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone