Visitors from TV 3: Wrap Party
Written by Redell

This one takes place as a 4th-5th season alt-universe story.
**remember: sometimes reality isn't every thing**


[Center of Homicide squad room. Day.]

BAYLISS: "I'm not so sure about this."

MELDRICK: "Aw, come on, Timmy. You got it way too easy, here. We're the ones doin' the grunt work."

KELLERMAN: "Yeah. It's easy. One, two, three--you're done."

BAYLISS: "Hey, I didn't see any of *you* volunteering."

JOHN: " Would 'ya hurry it up? Gee'll be back soon."

HOWARD: "What is it now, huh? "

LEWIS: "Nope. Sarge, actually, it's an experiment. And we saved a special seat for you."

KELLERMAN: "You're just in time for it."

HOWARD: "For what?"

BAYLISS: "You can't let them do this to me."

HOWARD: "This doesn't have anything to with that girl does it?"

MUNCH: "What girl?"

BAYLISS: "Pleeese...stop this..."

LEWIS: "Stop whining. Sarge--"

HOWARD: "Don't 'Sarge' me, alright. And you know exactly which girl, Munch. The one that nearly got us fired. "

KELLERMAN: "She didn't get us fired, exactly."

MUNCH: "He's right. That was his fault. Mikey's little 'preemption theory.' is what nearly got us yanked."

KELLERMAN: "Hey, that could have worked. Ya' know and you guys had of helped maybe--"

LEWIS: "Maybe nothin'. How the hell do you expect us to pitch in, when you tell the bosses: 'If you preempt us, we'll gain more of an audience.' "

BAYLISS: "We lost viewers. More than 100, I know."

KELLERMAN: "I took some psychology classes in college. I applied my 'preemption theory' to a little something called, 'Classic Conditioning'."

BAYLISS: "Oh yea, I've heard of that. Doesn't that have something to do with dogs?"

KELLERMAN: "Uh huh. "

MUNCH: "You see, there's another part of that. You see, that theory--actually proven--states to a fault, that after awhile the subject, the viewer, will soon become disinterested with the stimulus, us, and give up completely."


MUNCH: "Oh, is right. I would have gone for a more mainstream approach, Behaviorism, perhaps--"

HOWARD: "Okay, Spock, enough alright? What the hell is really going on, huh?"

LEWIS: "Our boy, Mikey there, had some sort of an epiphany."

KELLERMAN: "Wait till you see it, Sarge!"

BAYLISS: "Call my agent."

MUNCH: "You don't have an agent."

BAYLISS: "Well...if I did, I'd want you to call him. Look guys--"

KELLERMAN: "You're not backing out of this one, Bayliss. It's too late."

BAYLISS: "No, it's not. Mike, I can't do this. It'd be different, if, if, If I paid for this or it were on one of those pay-per-view programs. But, kids may be watching."

MUNCH: "What mouth breathing, idle-minded, simpleton would let their kids watch us?"

LEWIS: "Stop arguing with him. He knew the risks. He knew, if the time came, we all had to sacrifice somethin'. And now Timmy, it's your turn to pay the piper."

BAYLISS: "But..."

KELLERMAN: "You love your job don't you?"

BAYLISS: "Yeah, but--"

MUNCH: "You want us to lose ours? We can't live off the Waterfront funds--we can't pass colored water off as alcohol, in the real world."

BAYLISS: "No, but--"

LEWIS: "Then do, whatcha gotta do. Hop to it."

BAYLISS: "But, we made that pact. Remember? We said--we said, we'd never sink this low. No matter how the ratings sagged."

HOWARD: "Hold on."

BAYLISS: "No matter how much, the producers prodded us and made us say these stupid and unimportant things--"

MUNCH: "Ah, I remember something along those lines. But, you must understand, that was way before the seventh season..."

HOWARD: "Wait. Back up. You guys aren't thinking about doing, what I think, you're doin' are you?"

LEWIS: "Depends on what you thinkin'."

FRANK: "Personally, I'd have to agree with Bayliss on this one. It's not worth it."

KELLERMAN: "Of course, you'd think so Frank. You've got movies and that TNT thing awhile ago."

FRANK: "Hmm."

KELLERMAN: "You see, Sarge, I was watching 'The Full Monty' on cable last night and it hit me--Bang! Why can't we try something that?"

HOWARD: "Mikey, you can't have--"

KELLERMAN: "No. No. No. You don't understand, we can. It'll happen."

LEWIS: "Now or never. We need you to do this. Pleeeeeese..."

MUNCH: "Pleeeeeese!"

KELLERMAN: "Pleeeeeeese!"

FRANK: "Pleeeeese!"

LEWIS: "Hold on there, Frankie, I thought you were against this."

FRANK: "I was thinking. Do I really, like it out there? No. Was I better off here. Yes, I believe I was...well...for awhile. I think, I can start over. Do it, Tim. We've got about what? Ten, fifteen minutes left. Come on."

BAYLISS: " Ahh! Alright! Okay. I'll do it."

HOWARD: "WAIT!! This isn't some ABC cop melodrama."

KELLERMAN : "Don't listen to her. Drop your pants, Timmy."

+...Can I say something?...+

LEWIS: "Who was that?"

+...It was me...+

PEMBLETON: "Who the hell are you?"

LEWIS: "Yeah."

HOWARD: "You're that girl, aren't you?"

+...I guess...Think of me as a viewer...A concerned viewer...+

MUNCH: "Wow. You're really her. Gee, what is it like on the other side, huh?"

+...Strange. Fleeting...Like I'm living 'Unsolved Mysteries' or something...Anyway, you can't have him dropping his pants.+

HOWARD: "See."

KELLERMAN: "And why not?"

+...What would make you think, I and my fellow writers would condone such gratuitous sex and nudity?...You guys aren't even visual...+

KELLERMAN: "Minor setback."

+...Minor? Hmm...Hey uh, Bayliss?...+

BAYLISS: "Yeah."

+...Go ahead. Drop 'em. No one can see you. Do it, make 'em happy...+

FRANK: "We can see it."

+...Yes and no....Trust me, it's no big deal...+


+...It is...I mean, it isn' know what I mean. Hurry up, so I can end this incredibly long, winded fic...+

LEWIS: "You heard the lady, Timothy. It's show time."


+When we last left out heroes, Tim was just about'drop his pants'...+

PEMBLETON: "What was that?"

+Nothing...I was just catching everyone up with what was going on...+

PEMBLETON: "Don't. It's stupid. Like one of those lame sitcoms."


PEMBLETON: "It would have been a logical assumption, your audience would have thought ahead and taken the necessary--"

+...I get it...can we go on?...+

KELLERMAN: "Can we get on with this? Tim--"

BAYLISS: "Okay. But, no peeking."

LEWIS: "What?"

BAYLISS: "You heard me. Turn around."

MUNCH: "You're not embarrassed are you?"

BAYLISS: "No. I just don't think...Just turn around."

KELLERMAN: "Fine. Fine. But the deal was two minutes."

BAYLISS: "Two? You said one."

KELLERMAN: "No. I'm pretty sure it was two."

MUNCH: "That's what I heard."

PEMBLETON: "Uh huh."

LEWIS: "Heard that too."

BAYLISS: "Fine! But, don't ever ask me to do another damn thing for any of you!"

LEWIS: "Let's git this show on the road, then."

*as narrator : the detectives turn their backs to bayliss, who's slowly removing his jacket and unzipping his...I'm sure I don't have to tell you, what proceeds the unzipping, do I? I mean, it's really straight-forward stuff. skipping ahead, and not discussing any of the naughty bits, Tim stands with his eyes closed*

BAYLISS: "1 hippopotamus...2 hippopotamus...3 hippopotamus...4 hippopotamus..."

HOWARD: "Hmm...Timmy..."

*as narrator: Tim's eyes open to see his most respected sergeant staring at bits. He hurriedly claws for his jacket.*


MUNCH: "What's wrong, Timmy? Chilly?"


*as narrator: everyone turns around.*

KELLERMAN: "That wasn't even a minute!"


PEMBLETON: "What's you're problem, now?"

BAYLISS: "Kay...she...SHE...peeked!!"

+...She wasn't the only one..WOW!!...+

BAYLISS: "I thought you couldn't see anything."

+...I can't. But, I've still got, one hell of an imagination...+

MUNCH: "Kay, how could you!?"

HOWARD: "What? I'm you're superior officer, not dead."

BAYLISS: "I might as well be."

KELLERMAN: "Quit whining, and put your pants back on."

BAYLISS: "Thank you. Kay, could I have that?"

HOWARD: "This, huh? Why do you need this?" I understand it, and I'm no authority with these things, but--it's kinda hard to put pants on, without actually having the pants...Kay?+

HOWARD: "What?"

+...Give him his pants...+

HOWARD: "Here."

BAYLISS: "Thank you."

KELLERMAN: "Now what?"

LEWIS: "What do ya' mean, now what? It was your idea. Your plan."

KELLERMAN: "I think we her thoughts."


KELLERMAN: " Yeah. Any change?"

+Well, honestly? No. But, I must say, I have a new respect for Bayliss...other than that, it doesn't fix or change anything...+

MUNCH: "I'm ashamed. I can't believe--"

BAYLISS: "You're ashamed?"

MUNCH: "Yes. And appalled. What would Danvers say?"

HOWARD: "Not much. Besides, we're not dating anymore. Keep up, will ya' Munchkin?"

MUNCH: "Oh. Okay, how about, What'shisname? That guy, that guy, you're seeing, huh? I'm not sure he'd appreciate you looking at Bayliss'--"

+...*Naughty bits*...I feel safer with the term: Naughty bits...Continue...+

BAYLISS: "Can I say something, huh?"

+...I guess....go ahead...+

BAYLISS: "Can we take some sort of break? I suddenly feel...dirty. Can I rush home and take a shower?"

+...I have no problem with it...How about you guys?...+

LEWIS: "Sure."


MUNCH: "Whatever."

KELLERMAN: "I still gotta work out the bugs in this plan..."

HOWARD: "Do you need a ride?"

+...Down, girl...Down....+

to be continued...again...

PEMBELTON: "Oh great, there's more..."

+...If, I were you..I'd shut up...+