Summer of 79
Written by Sarah
I brush past my mother quickly and race up to my room, ignoring her shouts of
my name. I close my door and flop down on the bed, still breathing hard, not
entirely because of my run back here.
I pull out my diary from my bedside dresser and open it to a clean page.
Since I've been seeing the therapist about Samantha's disappearance and the
trouble at home, the Dr. has made me keep a journal of dreams, thoughts,
anything to get things out of my head and onto paper. Well, this is one page
he will *not* be seeing..but I need to get it out..need to make it real. Pen
in hand, I begin writing.
Journal entry #54-July 9th, 1979
Today I kissed a boy for the first time. And not just any boy..*Chris*, my
best friend. Have I ever mentioned him in here before? I don't think
so..usually too busy writing about Sam..Ok, I'll give you a little background
on him. We met about six months ago when his family moved here from Seattle.
His father is the owner of a large restaurant chain. Every time the
restaurant opened in a new town they'd move so his father could give the
opening the attention it needed. So needless to say he moves around *a lot*.
The first day he moved in next door we became friends. He was the more
outgoing one and came up to me first, introducing himself. "I'm Chris Rawls,"
he said, holding out his hand. From the second I saw him, I thought he was
good looking. His dark rich hair complimented his green eyes nicely. I'd
basically come to terms with my bisexuality a year ago. At first I felt, if I
don't think about it, it'll go away..that it was just a phase. When I found
myself thinking about guys while jerking off, I realized that wasn't true. I
wasn't distraught over my revelation at all; I just accepted that I like both
I'd thought about guys a lot in fantasies, but never thought of making those
fantasies a reality until I started spending more time with Chris. He was the
easy going, charming one at school. While I was the odd, smart one with an
If he hadn't been my next door neighbor I probably never would have even
talked to him in school. I'm not good at making friends and would have kept
to myself. The fact that he came up to me *outside* of school made all the
difference, and started our friendship. I told him everything, about my
parents divorce, my sister's disappearance..We hung out almost every day
until I got a girlfriend around the second or third month of our friendship.
Chris, in fact, introduced us..although whenever I'd talk about her he'd get
an annoyed look on his face. I'd try not to analyze it, but it was pretty
hard not to.
When I told him that I did her, I expected a high five or something. I was
pretty sure that's what guys did. When he only said 'That's nice' in a flat,
disinterested voice, I was a bit taken back. I wanted to share details of my
experience with the person who was closest to me, wanted his advice on
things. I got angry with him and stormed away from out of his basement where
we usually hung out.
I lay in bed that night, thinking about my feelings for Amy and Chris. I'd
wanted Chris for a while, even before Amy and I started going out. But I felt
he was unattainable and straight and..*sigh* all of the above. I felt I was
deceiving Amy..feeling about someone else the way I *should* feel about her.
The thoughts went on and on that night and didn't stop until I was so
exhausted from thinking, I fell asleep.
The next day on the way to school in Chris' moms car, he apologized, saying
he knew he was being a bit of an ass lately. I asked why. He just shook his
head saying, "Don't worry about it." I shrugged and dropped the subject.
The next month, my feelings for Chris were becoming unavoidable. I'd find
myself watching him in gym when we'd play basketball. His well-toned body
standing out beneath the fabric of his tank top. I wasn't able to stand it
anymore and had to break up with Amy. Thinking about Chris while fucking her
was getting to be too much.
A few weeks after that happened, Chris decided to tell me his big secret:
That he's gay. We were in his basement playing air hockey. The place is huge
and they have everything down there, from a basketball hoop to a TV, Betamax,
and stereo. It was no secret Chris' parents were pretty well off and as a
result of this, they were often out to dinner or seeing some fancy play.
Anyway, to get back on track, we were playing air hockey and suddenly, out of
nowhere, he blurted out "Fox, I'm gay." I'd felt my throat close up at the
utterance of those words. Chris...*Chris*, the kid I thought was straight as
an arrow..and completely unattainable, was gay. The unattainable fact, I
thought was still true. I couldn't see why the hell he'd want *me*.
I didn't say anything for long minutes after he'd told me until he called my
name, in an uncertain voice. "Is this going to change things?" He had said.
I responded "no, why should it?" My mind had been racing, trying to think if
I should tell him about my bisexuality or not. It wasn't that I felt I
*couldn't* tell him..it was the fact that, what if he *did* like me? Was I
really ready to make my fantasies a reality? Thinking about touching him was
one thing, actually doing it was completely different. I decided to play it
dangerous for once and told then. I could tell he was shocked.
"Wow..um, I didn't know. I mean, cause of Amy and all..I didn't know you
were..bi." I barely heard that last word.
"Well, I am."
Chris nodded slightly. "Well, now you know why I acted..sorta uninterested in
you telling me about Amy. I liked her as a friend and all, I just didn't want
to hear about..the things you did with her."
I smiled and said, "Well yeah, that explains it."
He grinned at me, we continued playing and then started about..guys. It was
very weird, but a good weird. I would catch Chris looking at me a little more
intently from then on. I thought maybe it was because we knew each other's
We graduated, summer came and Chris and I had grown closer and closer. Ever
since confiding in one another that afternoon a few months ago it felt as if
a huge weight was lifted off our shoulders.
And then..today happened. I was in Chris' basement, we were alone in the
house like usual. Anyway, we had just finished a game of basketball. Our
shirts were still deposited on the floor from the point in the game when we'd
stripped ourselves of them. God, I remember blocking him was he tried to
shoot, grabbing him from behind, my arms around his waist..
By the time the game ended, I was battling an erection that would not seem to
go away. Thankfully, the shorts I was wearing were loose. Chris picked up his
shirt from the floor and wiped his face with it before saying that he was
gonna go get a coke and asked if I wanted one. I said 'yeah', sat on the
couch and turned on the TV. Chris returned a few seconds later with the sodas
and sat next to me. Suddenly, it just felt like he was too close and I was
sweating all over..my cock throbbing at his proximity. I kept telling myself
to relax as I felt his eyes on me. He placed his soda on the coffee table and
turned to me.
"I have a surprise of you, buddy."
"Huh?" I said, head whipping around to face him.
"You remember when we were talking about seeing one of those *movies*?"
I stiffened for a second at that. The *movies*. God, I remember well. Chris
and I had talked a while back about how we'd kill to see a gay porno.
Ordinarily, I would have been psyched..all I could think of now though was
'please..not here..not *now* while I'm already hard as stone.'
I coughed and said "Yeah, I remember."
He flashed me a dazzling smile. "Well, I got one! My friend from Seattle,
well, he was actually my boyfriend but we spilt. Anyway, we left on good
terms and write each other now and then. He told me he got one and would send
it to me. It arrived today." He stood up and walked over to the Betamax and
put the tape in. As he was doing so he looked back at me. "You do wanna watch
"Oh..yeah sure." Yeah..right.
"Great" he smiled and came back to the couch. "I haven't watched it yet..was
waiting for you."
I gulped and watched the screen, afraid to look anywhere else. My hand held a
white knuckled grip on the coke can and I was amazed I didn't crush it. The
movie started and two young guys, early twenty's I guess, were on a bed
kissing...kissing. I'd never seen two men kiss before and I almost moaned
aloud at the image. They started rubbing their bodies against each other. The
guy beneath had his hands on the other's ass and had slipped a finger in..ok,
now I *did* moan. I was breathing heavy, rock hard, and overcome with desire
for the boy sitting next to me.
Hesitantly, I turned to look at Chris. He was watching the screen intently,
his face a lovely shade of crimson. His chest was heaving and something told
me it wasn't only from the film. He turned to me and suddenly we were staring
at one another.
"Fox.." I heard him moan.
We reached for each other at the same time. I sighed as our lips met. I felt
his upper lip slip beneath my lower one and he sucked it into his mouth. His
teeth sank into it and pulled my lip along until it slipped from his mouth.
Chris pressed his mouth to mine again and I felt his tongue prodding my lips
apart. A second later we were kissing deep and hard.
I swung my hand around the back of his neck and held him there as I suckled
his tongue. We both shifted on the couch and I found myself on my back with
Chris on top of me. I could feel his erection through his shorts as he
pressed against me. His naked chest felt incredible as it brushed mine..and
his hard nipples felt even better. Speaking of nipples..the next thing he did
was glide his hand up across my chest where he stopped to pinch my left
nipple..followed by my right. I arched off the couch and moaned as I tried to
kiss him even deeper than we already were.
His hands moved to my waist and I felt him just start to pull down my shorts
when we heard the upstairs door open and his Mom calling his name.
We both jumped and scrambled off the couch. "Fuck!" We both whispered
simultaneously. Chris stumbled to the Betamax to turn off the porno while I
grabbed our shirts.
We heard the basement door open and his Mom came down. "Hey honey..oh, hi
Fox." She smiled. I managed to say hi back. We were both still flushed and I
was practically shaking, from both desire and nervousness. Then Chris' Mom
"I didn't know you were here Fox. Chris, you have that dentist appointment. I
can't put it off again."
I was feeling beyond embarrassed and uncomfortable. I needed to get out of
there and process what just happened. "I..should go. I'll see you Chris."
I practically leaped up the stairs and didn't stop for Chris' quiet call of
my name. I ran across his yard and home as fast as I could. So here I am now.
It's been about an hour and I can still feel him on my lips. What I wouldn't
have given for him to have gotten my shorts off..to feel him rubbing into me
like the guys in the movie. If I close my eyes I can actually feel him
pressed against me, touching and kissing me. Nothing ever felt this good. I
felt with him today things I didn't feel with Amy. Sure, she turned me on,
but never like this..not like Chris. Well, that's all I have to say for
today. I'll see what happens with Chris tomorrow. Bye.
I close the book and put it in on my night table with the pen. Sighing, I lay
back against the pillows of my bed and close my eyes. What greets me there is
an image of Chris on top of me. Groaning, I work my hand into my shorts and
through the slit of my boxers to take hold of my still hard cock. Head thrown
back I work myself quickly, imagining it's Chris' hand on me. When I come a
few seconds later, it's his name I whisper.
I wipe my hand on a tissue and go to the bathroom to wash up before dinner. I
walk downstairs and sit at the table. My Mom is at the stove stirring the
mashed potatoes. I look around the table, at the emptiness there is now. No
more vibrant dinners filled with conversation and teasing. No more
Samantha..and with dad moving out after the divorce..no more him either. He
doesn't live far from the house, so I still see him from time to time, it's
My mother sets the food on the table and we begin eating. Dinner, as always,
passes in silence.
Later tonight, while I'm in my room reading, my mom comes in and informs me
to pack my things. She tells me that early tomorrow morning my dad is coming
to take me to his summer house in Rhode Island for the rest of the summer.
"No! Why, why do I have to go?" I'm furious and pace around my room.
"Cut it out, Fox. I need some peace, I need to be alone. And besides, your
father wants to spend time with you. You're going, that's that. I don't want
to hear it."
Shit..all I can think of is Chris..I won't see Chris for the rest of the
summer..this can't happen now. Not after today, I need to know if what
happened between us means anything at all to him. "This is fuckin' bullshit
Mom! You can't do this!"
"Fox William Mulder, you watch your mouth and don't ever speak that way to me
again. You're going, that's final." She storms out of the room and I slam my
door behind her. I fall on the bed and try to think of what to do next.
I wait until I'm pretty sure she's asleep, open my door a crack and quietly
slip out. Once I'm outside I run to Chris' yard and stand under his window,
which is on the second floor. I call his name as quiet as I can. I can tell
the window is open, so I think maybe he'll hear me. Suddenly though, his dog
begins to bark. Fuck. His dad will get pissed if he wakes up, and it's
already pretty late. Distraught, I run back to my house and pack my bags,
giving in to defeat.
The next morning, my Dad picks me up at dawn. All summer, I think of nothing
more than seeing Chris again. I wanted desperately to call him, but Dad still
doesn't have a god damn phone here. He says 'I come here to get *away*, Fox.
I don't want a phone'. God damn it! I've never been more frustrated in my
My Dad drops me off at home a few days before school starts. The time that I
was there felt like an eternity. He kept wanting me to go water-skiing with
him but I wouldn't. I didn't want to do anything. I spent most of the time in
my room. As soon as he pulls away, I run to Chris' house. The unfamiliar car
in the drive way startles me a little. When I knock on his door, a man I've
never seen in my life answers.
"Uh..isn't this the Rawls' residence?"
"It was until a few weeks ago. They moved to Baltimore."
I stumble backwards a little and almost fall down. I vaguely hear the man ask
if I'm ok, before I start running back to my house. My mother is sitting on
the couch when I walk in.
"Fox! How was your trip?"
I ignore her. "Chris moved to Baltimore?!"
"Yes, Fox..he came here looking for you, I told him you were with your father
and couldn't be reached. He left you this.." She took a piece of paper out of
the desk and handed it to me. "I'm sorry..I know he was your best
friend..your only friend." I heard her murmur that last part.
Clutching the paper tightly I ran to my room. Chris knows how nosey my mother
is, and I have no doubt that she read this note, so I don't expect to see
anything personal in it. Shit..personal is what I *want*. Not that it matters
My eyes swell with tears at that thought. I lock my door, sit on my bed and
unfold the paper.
My dad is opening a new restaurant in Baltimore..but I guess you'll know that
already by the time you read this. I wanted to tell you in person but you
were away with your dad. I'll miss you so much..I can't say much, I think you
know what I mean.*
Yes, I know what you mean Chris. Damn you, Mother.
*I just want to say, it did mean something. It meant more than you'll know.
There are some water blotches on the paper, and my mind immediately thinks
that perhaps he was crying when he wrote it...my tears splash against the
dried ones and I hold the only written memory I have left of Chris to my
chest, silently hoping that one day, we'll meet again.