Bizarre Love Triangles of the Homicide Unit
Written by Hayley

(Cute little graphics spelling out BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLES OF THE BALTIMORE HOMICIDE UNIT. Camera's on Jerry standing in the audience)

JERRY: Hi! Welcome to the show, today we have BizarreLove Triangles of the Baltimore Police Department's Homicide Unit. Meet Mike Kellerman, Hi Mike.

MIKE: Hey Jerry.

JERRY: Tell us a little about yourself, Mike.

MIKE: All right. I'm a Homicide Detective as you know, and have been for a couple of years. It's been great, a lot of fun, (pause) for a while anyway.

JERRY: What happened Mike?

MIKE: Well, my (sarcastic) partner (end sarcasm) left me, and won't tell me why.

JERRY: So, you're partner-- what's his name by the way?

MIKE: Meldrick Lewis, Detective Meldrick Lewis

JERRY: Ah, so Detective Lewis left you and won't tell you why he left you?

MIKE: Yeah, that's what's up.

JERRY: Well, how about we get Detective Lewis out here and ask him. (To audience) Folks, here's detective Lewis.

(Enter Mike's lovely partner to some booing, and one person clapping)

JERRY: Hi, welcome to the show Detective Lewis.


JERRY: Mike, here, he's your partner, correct?

MELDRICK: No, he was my partner.

(Crowd gasps at coldness in voice)

MIKE: The best one you'll ever have, you bastard.

MELDRICK: Hah! Whatever.

JERRY: Tell us what happened with you and Mike, Meldrick.

MELDRICK: Well, it happened like this- we're at a scene, and he loses this witness that was essential to the case!

MIKE: I was going through a tough time in my life, you know that.

(Lewis looks over and shrugs)

JERRY: You left him because he lost a witness?

MELDRICK: Hey man! It's a serious thing! Yeah... yeah, I left him because of that. (Looks down)

JERRY: What do you think about this Mike?

MIKE: (just shrugs and looks away)

(Audience 'awwws')

JERRY: Is there anything you would like to tell Mike?

MELDRICK: (turns in seat to face Mike, going so far as to grab his hand and hold it) Mikey, (a pause) you know I love you very much. But things just weren't working out for us. You know why. I... (Looks away)

(Audience laughs knowingly)

MELDRICK: ...I found another partner.

(Audience boos booooooooooo)

MIKE: (stricken, pulls hand away) Wha What?! HOW COULD YOU!?

MIKE: (slaps Meldrick across the face and pulls chair away)

MELDRICK: Mikey... please...

MIKE: Who is it, Meldrick. Who's your partner now? I wanna know!

MELDRICK: It's Falsone, Mikey...

MIKE: (stunned, hurt, broken) Him... that... that little weasel. You left me for him?

MELDRICK: (nods)

JERRY: What if we bring Detective Paul Falsone out, everybody?

(audience claps)

JERRY: Everyone, welcome Paul Falsone to the show.

(Mike looks away, Meldrick stands and sits in his seat looking down, and audience boos and claps)

( Paul comes out and kisses Meldrick on cheek, Meldrick pushes him away. Mike gives Falsone a death glare, but says nothing)

MELDRICK: (to Paul) Man, cut that crap out! (looks over at Mike, who's staring back with hurt and anger in his eyes)

JERRY: Welcome, Paul.

FALSONE: Hey Jerry, how are you?

JERRY: Fine, thanks for asking. So, you're Detective Lewis's new partner, right?

FALSONE: That's correct, Jerry.

JERRY: What do you think about Detective Kellerman, Paul? Do you think that it was right of you to take his partner away from him?

FALSONE: Just between me, you, and the audience, Jerry. Detective Kellerman doesn't have the good looks to keep a fine partner like Meldrick around long enough to appreciate it.

(audience claps as Mike tenses as if ready to spring)

JERRY: You've been awfully quiet, Mike, what do you think?

MIKE: (looks up at Jerry, over to Falsone, eyes pass over Meldrick and discards him) I think they deserve each other. (audience lets out- "oh's" and claps)

MELDRICK: Mikey...

MIKE: Just shut up, it's over between us!

MELDRICK: (shoulders slump)

FALSONE: Right, why should you hang around some blondie when you can have-

MIKE: Greasy, Dark hair? I don't know, maybe because it feels better when you thread your fingers through it.

MELDRICK: (head in hands) Mikey, that was supposed to be our little secret...

MIKE: (to Meldrick) Oh yeah? Well, we don't have secrets anymore!

JERRY: This sounds interesting, what happened between you and Mike, Detective Lewis?

MELDRICK: (stares at Jerry, then at ceiling) We... we uh, you know...

MIKE: I'll tell you, Jerry he BEEEP (fucked) me. I was all vulnerable and he pushed me on my back and stuck his BEEEP up my BEEP and enjoyed the BEEP out of it.

(audience silent)

JERRY: Really?

MELDRICK: It wasn't quite like that...

FALSONE: How could you do anything with that ugly SOB?

MELDRICK: He ain't that ugly, man, and you don't know what the hell you talkin' about anyway so just shut the BEEP up, damn it.

JERRY: Oh really? You have anything to say to that Detective Kellerman?

MIKE: (smiles in disbelief even though he knew it was coming) Yeah... Meldrick, me and Paul... ever since a string of carfires back when I was in Arson, have been on and off...

FALSONE: I'LL KILL YOU!!!!! (gets up and moves toward Mike quickly, who just steps back and lets him trip over the chair and land on his face)

MELDRICK: (ignoring Falsone) What?! You and Falsone? For how- since you were in Arson? On and off, huh? How about with me? Was it off or on then? (hurt himself)

MIKE: (walks closer to Meldrick) Oh it was on, definitely on.

(audience ohs)

MELDRICK: How could you?

MIKE: How could -you-?

JERRY: How do you feel about this, Detective Lewis? Uh, (looks over at Paul who is being helped to his chair) are you all right Paul?

FALSONE: (mumble) I'm fine...

MELDRICK: I don't know... I mean, I thought what we had was special, Mikey.

MIKE: It was... do you think I'd be here if it wasn't?

(audience sighs)

MELDRICK: (shrugs) Then why were you still with Falsone?

MIKE: Oh come on! I just said that to get back at you! Like I had time to be with anyone else when I was with you every night!

(audience ohs happily)

FALSONE: (sniffs)


MIKE: Doesn't matter now, does it?

MELDRICK: (looks over at Paul, then back to Mike) You know Mikey, I don't know what I was thinking when I left you for him will ya... will ya take me back?

(audience boos and claps and ohs and sighs-- general chaos)

MIKE: (looks away) I don't know (rights chair and pulls it closer to Meldrick's) How do I know you won't pull this again?

MELDRICK: (tenderly) Can you just trust me?

MIKE: (swallows) (smile spreads across face) Yeah, yeah, I'll take you back.

MELDRICK: (reaches over and holds Mike's face as he kisses him) (audience claps)

JERRY: How about we get some comments from the audience? You, sir.

AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE: Yeah, uh, Detective Kellerman, why are you taking his cheating, lying ass back? He's just going to do it again!

MELDRICK: Hey now! When I say I'm going to do something, I'm goin' to do it. Plus, you don't know me, so why don't you just shut the BEEP up!

(audience boos and Mike pats his hand)

JERRY: Uh, how about you Ms?

AUDIENCE MEMBER TWO: This is for Detective Falsone- How could you break something so beautiful as these two men up? I mean, look at them, aren't they just so adorable together?

FALSONE: Well, it's not that hard when you really hate one of them (looks at Mike) and really have the hots for the other (looks at Meldrick)

MELDRICK: (shifts uncomfortably) Man, just shut the hell up already...

FALSONE: (whines) It was an answer to the question.

MIKE: (glares at Falsone) It was a stupid answer to a good question, (smiles at Ms.) Thank you.

(audience claps)

JERRY: Uh, last one, you little boy.

LITTLE BOY AUD. MEMBER: (cute young lisp) Yeah, The one in the middle-

JERRY: Detective Lewis.

LIT. BOY AUD. MEM.: Yeah, I just have one ques'en. Why would you leave him (points at Mike) (tone changes to disgust) for him?

MELDRICK: (motherly tone) Well, sometimes little kiddo, adults do stupid things. Bad things that hurt the ones they really love.


MIKE: It's the truth...

MELDRICK: Yeah, Paul, I made a huge mistake.

JERRY: So, Detective Kellerman, Detective Lewis, do you think this'll work out between you two?

MIKE: (squeezes Meldrick's hand affectionately) Yeah, I think it'll work.

MELDRICK: Well, no one else can compare to him in bed, or in the good times we have together- so yeah, this'll work.

(M&M smile at each other- feral look from Mike intones just what's going to happen after the show)

FALSONE: What about me?

MELDRICK: You can go jump off a building or something, because all you cause is trouble.

MIKE: No, that wouldn't be right... even he doesn't deserve a painful, horrifyingly slow death- wait a minute, I take that back. Go ahead, jump off a building.

(audience claps and Jerry turns to camera as the reunited lover walk off stage with each other and Falsone stays sitting, dejected in his seat)

JERRY: Well, that turned out better then some of the shows I've seen, but will the next conflict between Detectives Howard and Felton turn out any better? We'll see after the break.

(Fades to snippet of next segment with-- HOWARD: He won't tell me if I'm sexy or not! --with audience booing)


Mike hooked his arm in Meldrick's and nuzzled his cheek.

"Man, Mikey, I'm glad that's over..."

"Me too," Mike whispered back, his tongue flicking into Meldrick's ear.

"I mean," he turned and gave Mike a long kiss, attracting the attention of several off stage members and producers, "I hate bein' put on the spot like that..."

"I thought you liked it when I put you on the spot like that..."

"Well, that's a whole different matter completely."

Meldrick pushed Mike against the wall and slipped his hands around behind his lover, grasping at the ass. Mike moaned against his cheek, kissing it tenderly as he was pushed up against the wall roughly. He laughed and leaned his head back, offering his neck to Meldrick. A hot tongue lapped across his throat.

A hand fell on Meldrick's shoulder and he stopped to look behind him. Howard was standing there, a smile on her face.

"Hey guys, I don't think you're supposed to be doing that here, huh." Meldrick looked around, several pairs of eyes were staring at them.

"I don't know, they seem to like it," let's go of Mike, who slides a few inches back to the ground.

"Ah well, see you later... maybe," she smiled and turned to continue towards the stage.

"Good luck," Mike called breathlessly.

"Have fun, guys," she called as the audience started clapping when she appeared from behind stage. Meldrick looked at where she had been for a few seconds before looking back to Mike, who more or less stood against the wall, breathing heavily.

"Where were we, lover?" He dipped down to nip Mike's throat again, bending slightly to push him against the wall again.

"Right... right there," Mike laughed back as the tongue graced over a ticklish spot.

Pinning Mike against the wall with his shoulder, he reaches down to undo the belt holding the obstructive pair of pants around Mike's lovely trim waist.

"Oh, Meldrick, it's been too long..."

A roar went through the audience as the belt buckle was slipped out of the loops and Meldrick smiled.

"Sounds like they're cheering us on."

"Uh, hey," a new voice sounded from behind them.

Meldrick turned irritably, ready to kill whoever it was with his eyes. A pimple-faced teen looked behind him and nodded.

"What?" Meldrick asked sharply, his hips grinding into Mike's and getting a rewarding cry from the movement.

"You aren't supposed- you can't do... that, there!"

"Why the hell not, a whole hell of a lot happens on stage and I can't take my lover out of the way of the camera?"

"Well, sir, it's just that guests to the show come through here..."

"C'mon, Meldrick, let's just go find somewhere else."

Meldrick turned back and nodded to his lover, kissing him passionately before letting him go. He instantly felt cold, and turned to push past the ugly little brat. The first door he came to he opened. Inside, Felton sat, fidgeting nervously.

"Hey, Beau," Meldrick nearly growled, he pulled Felton up by his tie and pushed him out of the room and shut and locked the door behind him. Turning to the camera situated in front of where he was sitting, he pulled a wire out of the side. Mike was backing to where a couch was situated and smiled at his lover.

"Are we ever going to do this?" Mike whispered.

Meldrick grabbed him by the back of his head and roughly kissed him while pushing him back to the couch. He was quickly straddled and pinned down with a comfortable weight on his hips. He arched against Meldrick, smiling when two brown eyes snapped shut and a shiver ran through the coveted body.

Meldrick's hands were hot against his chest as the jacket was pushed back and the tie pulled down and off. His shirt buttons were methodically popped out of the buttonholes, with a kiss to Mike's lips after each one, but none of them long enough or fulfilling enough for him.

When he finally pulled the shirt from the waistband of the pants he is breathing hard and rips the last button away. Spreading the shirt from obstructing his view of a creamy white chest, he ran his hands over the smooth skin and muscles.

"You feel so good," he muttered, bending down and licking at one of the nipples.

Mike reached for his shoulders and pulled the sport coat off of them and down his arms. Meldrick finished for him, pulling it off and tossing it across the room. Mike busied himself with the tie as he reached under and undid the buttons quickly.

In a few flashes the shirt was off, and he was between Mike's knees, unzipping the fly on his pants. Mike blinked a few times, trying to figure out what had just happened, but the insistent hands on his body tossed his thoughts from his mind as soon as they appeared.

Finally, his pants were pulled down far enough for Meldrick to kiss his hips through the boxers. They were quickly pulled down as well, and he met Meldrick's eyes almost modestly when his erection was freed into the steamy air between them. For a few seconds, there was no movement, and those seconds lasted forever. He groaned and arched again, trying to bring attention to his need.

Meldrick smiled and reached up, the palm of his hand caressing his cheek softly. Mike whimpered and moved into the caress, turning and kissing the palm.

He felt Meldrick's hot breath on his cock, sending shockwaves through his body mercilessly. He gasped, but newly placed hands on his hips held him down, keeping him from arching into the mouth that was so close. The mouth descended over the head, and he could feel the heat radiating from the mouth.

As soon as the lips closed around him he let out a scream--

And woke up.

He was laying completely stiff on someone else's bed, with his breath coming a million miles per hour, and a painful hard-on. A head appeared above him, looking worried and shocked. A female voice asked in a near scream.


Mike sat up and looked her in the eye, his mouth open. Groaning, he tossed himself back onto the pillows and through a hand over his eyes.

"Mike Kellerman. Man... what a fucked up dream..."