Slow Day in the Homicide Squad
Written by Jackie

A slow day in the homicide squad....

Stivers: Bayliss, come look at this! (motions him over to a computer)
Tim: If this is about that website, I took it down alre.....(he sees the words on the screen) I put my mouth where, on his what?

Ballard walks by, then stops dead in her tracks, eyes glued to the screen.

Ballard: Uh, Tim, I think David Duchnovy's hot too, but I don't write sex stories about us.
Stivers: He didn't write these Laura.
Ballard: Oh, sorry. (walks away)

Sheppard comes toward the computer.
Sheppard: No damn respect, not in this squad, not on the 'net.
Stivers and Tim (in unison): What in the hell are you talking about?
Sheppard: The online stories. I know there must be someone in there, criticizing me for getting beatdown.
Stivers: Nope.
Sheppard: Criticizing me for being a woman cop...
Tim: No, sorry.
Sheppard: Criticizing me for being an ex-beauty queen?
Stivers: Nada. Oh, here's something. Someone said they didn't give a rat's ass about Rene or her problems, and 30 people agreed.
Sheppard walks away in a huff, Tim and Terri snicker after she walks away.

Meldrick walks up next. Tim tries to cover up the monitor, but Meldrick sees a few words.
Meldrick stares in disbelief at what he sees onscreen, before giving Bayliss a confused look.
Meldrick: You sure have gotten funky since you started buttering your oat bran muffins on both sides.
Stivers: Oat bran muffins only have one side.
Meldrick: I'm tryin' to be witty, don't crimp my style, K? Bayliss, you got a lot more guts than I do, even the thought of stories about me....
Stivers: Think long and hard Meldrick, pun intended.
Meldrick: Oh God, no, don't tell me...
Tim (grinning as he reads a section of a fanfic): Lewis, I'll never be able to think of you, Kellerman, handcuffs, and Canola Oil in the same way again.
Meldrick peers at the monitor for a second, before turning away.
Meldrick: Where's my lawyer? I'm suing their asses.
Stivers (as Meldrick walks away): Try the yellow pages!

Meldrick doesn't hear her, for he's far too busy trying to remember if he left Kellerman's phone number on his apartment speeddial....

Munch: The grapevine is spurting cheap booze by my desk, curiosity forces me to find out what is on this machine.

Tim steps out of the way.
Tim: Why not, everyone else got a glance.
Munch: Limber Tim?
Tim: Why?
Munch: In this story, you have a menage-a-trois with Pembleton and Chris Rawls, while having phone sex with Fox Mulder. I *have* to show this to Gharty.
Stivers: If Gharty sees this, he'll have a coronary.
Munch: Why else would I show it to him? These stories are sleazy, degrading, far-fetched, tacky, they're the "Valley of the Dolls" of the computer age, Jacquie Susann and DH Lewis are conspiring from the grave to produce these works of ......
(a voice from the other side of the room)
"So you're not just jealous because you aren't in any of them, huh?"
Munch, Terri, and Tim are taken aback.
Munch: Kay, my scarlet-tinted beauty, I never thought you'd return! How did you make it past the guards barring your return?
Kay: This is fan fiction. In fan fiction, anything's possible. Good writing, good characterization...
Tim: We haven't had that in two seasons.
Kay: Yup. My favorite part is.....

Out of nowhere a bolt of lightning turns Paul Falsone, Laura Ballard, and Rene Sheppard into a gloopy mess of greasy ashes.

Most of the squad erupt into cheers and war whoops.

Tim: The curse is over! Now, we celebrate. Free drinks at the Waterfront!

Everyone leaves, except Munch.

Munch: Asinine smut stories, nothing more than self-absorbed fantasies.

Naomi: Munch. 5 messages for you. A woman calling herself Loki wants to know if you'll help her write a few stories.

Munch: As I was saying, the last gasp of intelligence and creative expression in an increasingly dull country......