Not Wanting To Be Here

Written by Redell

---

As the morning splinters away
and the cool breezes push through
me, i find myself alone.

In this room, surrounded by brick
and
padding, I stand...


i'm left standing without you,
feeling the pain of a thousand days
and a million nights...

i've given up on seeing you
again, knowing the arc of pain is
rampant and our lives are

without

each other

I fall.

Without truth.
i feel nothing.

i wished you'd come to see me.
You'd be the first.

i've tried
My life has gone to shit.

Just another name
in a closed case
collecting dust
In some low-rent DA's
office.

And you know what?

From
The moment we'd met,
i realized myself no longer a martyr,
no longer a
afraid. Your casual acquaintance to me,
just a servant of law, during a killing...of your
friend.

During a time i'd been pushed away...
by someone i think nothing of now.

You,
you with your calm bravado. Your compliment.

Your smile.

I dreamt that we could be something far greater
than gossip, than idle chit-chat. That we could be together
not listening to the voices telling us that we are wrong
for how we feel.

That I could touch your neck, and
slide
slide
slide my hand down your chest...

but, i am still facing this alone.

*Fini*