Martha Stewart's Christmas Holiday Special
Written by Beth
Warm and bland flute music playing in the background;
scenes of fireplaces with crackling fires; tables with elegant
place settings, sumptuous buffets loaded with food.
CUT to MARTHA STEWART in the Baltimore homicide unit. Behind her
and to the left, TIM and FRANK sit at a table. TIM looks
terrified; FRANK looks hostile.
And welcome back to my "Christmas with the
Murder Police" special. In our last segment, Captain Megan
Russert and I gave 'The Board' an exciting holiday makeover with
just a little calligraphy and a green marker. Black was too
dreary a color for solved cases! And I believe that in a moment,
Sergeant Kay Howard and I will work on preparing a festive
garland to drape over the detectives' desks. But right now,
Detectives Frank Pembleton and Tim Bayliss will be working with
me to craft lovely paper ornaments. And from the looks of these
gentlemen, I'd say we're more than ready to get started. Hello,
[rapidly mumbling, and with a decided lack of enthusiasm]
FRANK crosses his arms, stares defiantly at a point off-camera.
Even the loveliest crafts are only as fine as the materials
we use to make them, and for ornaments of this sort, I recommend
making your own paper. It may take a little longer, but in the
end, it's definitely worth it. Now--last week I gave the
detectives copies of my 567-step guide to paper-making and told
them to go wild, as it were. [repressed Martha-laugh]
And so, Frank and Tim, what kind of paper did the two of you
make for our project today?
[FRANK does not change position. Visible squirming, agitation
Well, Martha . . . uh . . . [laughs nervously] See, Frank
and I had to solve a lot of *murders* this week, and I'm afraid
there just wasn't time . . . not that we weren't *interested* . .
We're using these old crime reports. [Gestures to several
crumpled pieces of paper that have obviously been retrieved from
[long pause] All right, then. [pause] But why don't the two
of you flatten out these crime reports between slabs of hewn
marble and then soak them in my homemade glue mixture? We'll
then cover them with glitter to give them a more . . . lively
[Tosses a piece of paper to TIM]
Here's the recipe for the glue.
[glancing at glue recipe] But see, Martha, we haven't *got* a
KitchenAid mixer in the squadroom. [Eyes widen] And I'm pretty
sure that our supply of fresh goat milk ran out weeks ago . . .
[between gritted teeth] Well, you'll just have to make do,
then, won't you!
FADE OUT: CUT to MARTHA back at home in her kitchen. JOHN MUNCH
stands next to her.
I just love cookies, especially during the holidays. And
although baking them is lots of fun--catch my "how to make your
own oven" segment on Good Morning America tomorrow--there's
nothing so wonderful as decorating them. And here to help me out
with some special Christmas cookies is Detective John Munch.
Hello, and thank you for joining me.
Um . . . yeah. Let's just get this over with.
Detective Munch was charged with developing new variations on
an old theme: we asked him to come up with Christmas cookies
designed especially for cops. What worked for you, detective?
[Gives MARTHA aggravated look] You *do* know that not all
cops celebrate Christmas, yes? That we're not all Christians?
[visibly shaken] Well . . . I . . . uh . . .
I thought so. Okay. [sighs] What I've done, Martha, is
taken a classic cookie material--gingerbread--and used it
to fashion the following tableau, which will be more than
familiar to most cops.
[A MARTHA minion wheels in a cart upon which a scene in
gingerbread has been constructed]
[hand up to mouth, gasps]
I like to call this "Gingerbread Crack House," Martha.
Appreciate the starkly rendered crack house complete with broken
windows, urine and vomit in the corners, and the requisite group
of spaced-out junkies littering the couch and floor. [gesturing]
And in the foreground, we have a gingerbread corpse! I found
your recipe for ketchup invaluable in making realistic blood to
smear over the gutted abdomen of this poor schmuck. And look
carefully, Martha . . . do you see the little tiny crack pipes I
fashioned out of candy sprinkles? It took me *hours* to do that!
[obviously nauseated] I give you free reign in my kitchen and
*this* is what you come up with?
Simply put? You inspire me, Martha. It was your powerful
presence that gave me the strength to envision not only the
gingerbread crack house but also the following project: the
gingerbread morgue! [Beckons cowering minion to roll out a second
[quickly] That sounds . . . fascinating, detective, but I
fear that we may be out of time.
No, no . . . wait! You'll love it! Wait'll you see my
creative use of jelly beans as body organs! And you'll *love* the
stryker saw made out of toothpicks and bubblegum, not to
mentioned the gingerbread M.E. complete with blood-spattered--
Shut up, Munch. Just shut up.
[CUT back to the squad room, the table where FRANK and TIM were
sitting. FRANK is, of course, gone, and TIM is covered in
glitter. We see him furiously smearing Elmer's glue over crime
reports and then bitterly throwing handfuls of glitter onto them.
His face is red and he appears to be mumbling to himself.]
How's it going, detective?
[obviously restraining himself] Well, Martha, it's been a
little more *difficult* than I'd hoped . . .
[MARTHA picks up a stack of glittery crime reports that have been
glued together and laughs out loud]
Oh my. Oh my! This . . . *this* is pathetic.
[very slowly] What did you just say?
[laughs again] I don't know if I've ever seen anything so
awful! I've met four-year-olds who handle glitter better than
[Horrified gasp from cameramen and crew as Bayliss vaults over
the table and slams MARTHA into the wall]
[gripping MS by the lapels] Listen here, lady. I've had just
about *enough* of your shit! You are the most--"
Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Timmy! Come on!!!
[We see FRANK struggle to pull TIM off of MARTHA; MARTHA slowly
collapsing into a dead faint]
CUT to commercial.
VOICEOVER [on top of more annoying and mellow flute music]: Next
week on Martha Stewart Living: A very special visit.
[We see MARTHA wheeling CHRIS THORMANN's cot through a shopping
mall and into a HUSHPUPPIES store.]
Are you ready, Chris?
Kind of, but I . . . I think I did it again.
Don't worry. Those extra strong diapers that we made
for you out of old sweaters should keep you fresh.
Great!!! Gee, I sure wish I could see her.
Don't worry. She's such a big fan of yours that I'm
sure she'll climb right in bed with you and let you feel her face
I'm sure you're right, Martha. Those fan letters were so
sincere. [Takes out small megaphone] Attention! Attention
Maggie the Cat!! Martha Stewart and Chris Thormann here, with a
special treat for you!
[Horrible screaming from the back of the store]