It's All Coming Back to Me
Written by Rachel

I've never been one to write down my feelings. I guess it must have something to do with my mom's delight in reading my diary when I was little. Now I have to do this and so in some ways I resent it, but in other ways I guess it must be for a good reason. If I have to closely examine something...why not have it be myself?

I'm in therapy. Most people don't know that. They look at me and they probably think that I need to be, but they don't know it. I like to think of myself as tough. Hell, I am tough, but I got beat down and got my gun took. Damn. Man, I might feel better having said that. Maybe I'll feel better if I say it all the time.

Those bastards beat on me, but it isn't any different than all the other times people beat on me. You might look at me and see the beauty queen, but I'm more than that. We didn't have shit when I was growing up. I had to do those pageants to pay for community college. Nobody cared about me then, not my mom working her three jobs or my dad serving time. I never had any friends. They were all too intimidated by my looks. Except the boys. They couldn't keep themselves away from me. It's the same way now. Man, even Bayliss wanted to quit being gay so he could be with me. Him I might consider, but that greasy little Italian better keep his paws away from me. Besides, he's doing pretty good with little Miss Wal-Mart. I bet she has to drive to Catonsville to find clothes that cheap? Man, girl...get some style!

I still don't know how that bastard beat on me. Or why Lewis is so bitter about it. Why wasn't he covering my ass? I just don't understand why he doesn't like me. Of course it could be because he's intimidated by my beauty. They all are.

Hey, this journal thing isn't all bad. I think I'll keep doing it. Hell...I should put it online so everyone can read it.