Alone
Written by Hayley

---

Lyrics from Stabbing Westward's 'Waking up Beside You'.

~

I've been so alone for so long
Forgotten by the world
Forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me

~

When I looked at Mike, I don't know what I saw. A lover, a friend, a savior? He was there, and he made me feel like I mattered to someone other then the dead bodies I rolled everyday. He made me feel so loved and alive. But I couldn't tell him. I listened to Barbara when she found out. Her beautiful face twisting in rage and hatred. She told me it wouldn't last if I didn't tell him. I didn't listen.

I just left after she did, locking the door behind me, to go visit him. To be with him. He made me feel so good.

~

And brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay
So I memorized the colors of your eyes
As I lost myself inside you


~

"Mikey," Meldrick pounded on the door, leaning against the glass, looking into the boat. He saw a blur of shadows inside, and heard the small lock click as the door slid open.

"Meldrick?" He heard his lover ask groggily as he leaned against the doorway.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure. Isn't it late? I thought that Barbara-"

"She found out, Mikey," Meldrick said, slipping his arms around Mike's waist and kissing Mike on the curve of his jaw. Mike patted his back and leaned away from him.

"She did? How?"

"She smelled your cologne." Meldrick sniffed Mike's neck, closing his eyes to the world and getting lost in the masculine scent he loved so much. Mike rubbed his back soothingly, backing up with him and closing the door. Meldrick, upon hearing the lock slide into place, kissed Mike passionately. He could still smell the sweat from their first bout of sex.

Mike groaned and slid a hand through the short hair on Meldrick's head, holding him tightly against him with the other arm. Pushing Mike back against the bed made from the couch, he pushed him back.

"Does she know it's me?"

"Yes..."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Like I can stay with you tonight... for the first time."

"Do you mean it," Mike asked, sliding his hands between them to undo Meldrick's buttons. A kiss was his answer- long and searing as he pushed his tongue between the two lips, demanding Mike to open beneath him. Supported by his arms, he kissed down his lover's neck and up again, back to the lips.

Finishing with Meldrick's buttons, Mike pushed the shirt off of his shoulders and down his arms. Meldrick pulled it off and tossed it to the floor, hungrily diving back down to continue ravishing Mike's mouth.

The sex between them was always explosive, sometimes even painfully desperate encounters. It was too good. Mike loved him, he loved Mike.

He thought that was enough.

~

And I memorized the way our legs entwined
As I drifted off beside you
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you...

~

They fell beside each other, spent and completely sated with each other. Mike kissed his shoulder, throwing a leg across him and pulling him tight. The cool air soon chilled the sweat covering them, and Meldrick reached over to pull a blanket over them, kissing Mike as he settled down next to him.

The next morning he woke first. And the first thing he thought was how things were changing between them. He had to ask himself if that was a good thing. That was when he knew it wouldn't last.

Pulling Mike closer he closed his eyes, and took a deep shuddering breath. He wouldn't let Barbara's... curse come true. He would say it. He would tell him.

When he was ready.

~

At night I cling to you I'm so afraid
Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake and find you gone
But you promise that you'd not abandon me And then kissed my fears away

~

It had been that way for months. He slept with Mike. Woke up with him. He felt them fall into something. It was good. It was so good and he was afraid.

One night he whispered after a particularly beautiful climax, "You won't leave me, will you, Mikey?"

"Why would I do that? I love you, Meldrick."

Mike kissed him, reached to hold his head tightly to his. Meldrick fell asleep against Mike, feeling the soft lips dance over his face. Softly, beautifully, perfectly.

~

But I woke up to that day
But I had memorized the way our eyes would meet
Reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked sihouette
As you slowly brushed you hair down

~

We were together until the end. Knew what we had in the bedroom was infinitely different then what we could have outside of it. I faced Mike in the box, seeing a broken man look down at the pieces of his life. We couldn't be together. Not anymore. Not after this. Not after he asked for my gun.

He said he had gotten over it! He had promised. I held him last night, when he knew everything was ending. I held him and told him then.

"I love you, Mikey."

He cried.

He cried and cried. He knew it. He knew it was over. I left and he was still crying. He kept crying. The next morning he didn't look at me. It was over. I miss him. I did though. I did love him. I broke him in two and left him there in a mess on our bed. A broken mess.

I've never seen him cry.

~

I've been alone for so long I forgot how much it hurts
To wake up so alone
But I'd memorize how warm your body felt
As you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room
And placed upon your body

~

I talked to Barbara. She pitied me. I needed that. To hear someone other then me shake their head and say 'What a fool Meldrick Lewis is.'

But no one knew but her and Mikey. No one knew we were together. I think Munch figured it out, and that was why he was so good with Mike when I broke that part of him off. I can't stand being alone without him.

I want him back. But he's strong like that. He wouldn't come back even if I begged. He knows it would just rip him up again. I can't do that to him. It's a paradox. He wouldn't come back, and yet he would. He would come to bed with me, and break his heart open wide.

I can't live with it. But I will. I remember him so well. He loved me.

He loved me and I waited until it was the end to tell him I loved him too. How can I see him when I hate myself so much when I remember him? I will though. He still lives here, because I see his boat docked at the same marina.

I miss him...

// I love him. //

~