SCHISM UNIVERSITY PRESS
WINTER AND HOLIDAY 1999
A Note To Our Faithful Readers and Customers:
To help celebrate the upcoming holidays, Schism University Press has decided to spread our wings and offer a few products in addition to the high quality books we've brought to you for well over three months. In honor of this new tradition, we proudly introduce to you . . . .
DETECTIVE GIFT BASKETS!!!!
These attractively wrapped hand-woven gift baskets are sure to be loved and cherished for years to come. Special SUP holiday special: Purchase four for the price of three!
Putting the Me in Meldrick Basket: Includes: Teddy Prendergast tee shirt (yes, it's a replica of the poster!), collector's item yo yo, cheese steak sandwich, a football, a copy of Safe and Careful Driving: YOU Are Responsible!
Mikey's "P.I." in the Sky Basket: Includes: one bottle of Jim Peem, six packs of Marlboros, one Zippo lighter, one pocket-sized camera, one spiral notebook. Note: basket may be bugged; caveat emptor
Time for Timmy Basket: Includes: one Rubik's cube, one pair of Timmy glasses with little sunglasses attachment thingy, one copy of Learn Spanish and Solve Your Psychological Problems in Just Five Days!!!, one little black book (for all the phone
numbers you'll get when you wear the glasses), one tube of Ben Gay (for *back pain,* you perverts!)
"Frankly, I Think This Is Stupid" Pembleton Basket: Includes: one copy of Frank's Snappy Insults, one pair of ear plugs (for when the Bayliss in your own life won't shut up), one copy of Plato's Symposium (in Greek), one serving of Mary's famous potato salad. Yum yum!
O, Kay Howard Basket: Includes: one little oyster shell, one hair scrunchy, one copy of Managerial Tactics for Women in All-Male Offices, one attractive unisex necktie.
Munch on This Basket : Includes: one ancient, desiccated, probably-no-good-any-more dried-out joint, one small flag pin, one copy of The Baltimore Sun [Ed. Note: We cannot be responsible if your copy of the Sun has the crossword already done or if it is missing the sports pages], one stolen VCR.
Holiday Parties in Your Office: What to Do, What to Avoid
By Tim Bayliss
This charmingly written volume will enable you to survive any office holiday party with your grace and dignity intact. The author draws extensively on his own experience, particularly in elaborating the pitfalls holiday party-goers may wish to avoid.
Excerpt: "Sure, elf hats are cute. I mean, we've all had the urge to put one on at one time or another. Elf hats should *not,* however, be worn to your office's holiday party. They can be downright dangerous, in fact, because they cut off the flow of blood to your head. And if *that* happens, you could end up in an ill-considered affair quicker than you can say 'I bought this scarf for you.' So beware."
Leave Me Alone!!! It's Christmas Eve, Dammit!
By Ed Danvers
What sacrifices are required of state prosecutors? How difficult is it to serve the state . . . all of the time? In this carefully written and logically argued memoir, Ed Danvers answers all of these questions and more. A book guaranteed to make anyone thinking
about pursuing a career in law think twice.
Chapter 1 Leave Me Alone!!! It's Christmas Eve,
Chapter 2 No, It's *NOT* Always My Fault When
We Can't Prosecute
Chapter 3 Throw Me Down the Stairs One More
Time and I'll Shoot You Down Like the
Dog You Are
Chapter 4 I Used to Love Her, But Fontana Had to
Chapter 5 Somebody Help Me!!! Why Is My Life So
Celebrating and Enjoying Holidays the Muldertorture Way
The first words out of your mouth after you read *this* book will be "Martha Stewart, you've met your match!" With wit, brio, and plain ole Lutheran know-how, Rachel carefully demonstrate how you can use the implements of Muldertorture to heighten your enjoyment of the holidays. This lavishly illustrated volume gives detailed instructions on how to make the following:
The Foley Catheter Menorah
Scalpel 'n' Suture Stars
Pill Bottle and Q-Tip Creche
Gauze 'n' Tape Garland
Of special interest to more . . . vigorous Muldertorture fans will be 's proposed "if you really mean it, do it yourself" Muldertorture holiday dinner. Guests are to become hopelessly lost in a dark, deep forest during a snow storm, then fall off a steep cliff, rupturing their spleens and contracting dropsy and impetigo. After four days without food or water, the by-now raving and nearly insane guests are to be rescued and fed a hearty IV holiday meal of nutrients, antibiotics, and painkillers. "Tough but necessary," says of her controversial plan. "Really brings loved ones together."
"The more it hurt me, the more I loved it!" --David D.
AND DON'T FORGET THESE TITLES FROM OUR WILDLY
POPULAR HOLIDAY BACKLIST:
The Guide to PROPER Christmas Tree Decoration, by Stanley Bolander
The History of Christmas: Or, Even A Tortured Catholic Like Me Can Admit It's All a Pagan Ritual, by Fr. Francis Xavier Pembleton
Beauregard's Desolate Holiday: A Cautionary Fable, by T.
Bayliss and B. Felton
Ho-Ho-Ho-Hanukah: Or, Standing Defiant and Proud for Your Cultural Identity in the Face of Crushing Christian-Based Commercialism by Yakov Ysrael Munch [Ed. note: This title only--reduced for quicker sale!!!]
ANOTHER GREAT HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA!!!
Hot 'n' Homicide Karaoke Hits
Thus far we've heard only John Munch try his hand at the magic of karaoke, and what a performance it was!!! Inspired by Munch's incredible version of "Mack the Knife," the Schism University Press spoke to members of the Baltimore Homicide Unit (and a few of their friends) and asked each of them to contribute a song to this very special collection. This rockin' CD will be a party standard from the instant you unwrap it--we promise! Includes:
t. Laura Ballard: "(I've Been to Paradise But) I've Never Been to Me" by Charlene
Col. George Barnfather: "My Way" by Sinatra
Det. Tim Bayliss: "The More You Ignore Me, the Closer I Get" by Morrissey
Billie Lou: "Stand by your Man" by Tammy Wynette
Det. Stuart Gharty: "I've Got Tears in My Ears from Lyin' on My Side Cryin' over You"
Lieutenant Al Giardello: "Mambo Italiano" by Rosemary
Agent Michael Giardello: "Bad" by Michael Jackson
Det. Kay Howard: "Feels Like Rain" by Buddy Guy and John
Det. Michael Kellerman: "The Joker" by Steve Miller
Det. Meldrick Lewis: "Shake Your Groove Thing" by Peaches and Herb
Luther Mahoney: "Fuck the Police" by NWA
Det. John Munch: "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" by The
Det. Frank Pembleton: "Blasphemous Rumors" by Depeche
Det. Renee Sheppard: "The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun"
by Julie Brown
Risley Tucker: "I Used to Love Her, But I Had to Kill Her" by Guns 'n' Roses
OTHER FINE SCHISM UNIVERSITY PRESS BOOKS
Frank Pembleton's Guide to Stress Management
By Frank Pembleton
Note from the author: "You're not *really* stressed, are you? C'mon--you can handle it! Look--if there are people in your life *bugging* you about the whole thing, try this book. It'll make them happy and it will allow *you* to continue living *your* life the way you want to. And that's what it's all about."
Chapter 1 Stressed Out?! Me??!!
Chapter 2 Honey, I'll Be Late for Dinner for the Next Six Years
Chapter 3 Screaming at Tim: Guaranteed to Make You Feel
Chapter 4 What Do You *Mean* I Take the Job Too
Seriously??!! Is It *Ever* Possible to Be Serious Enough about God's Work????
Affairs at the Workplace: A Really Great Idea!!!
By M. Russert, B. Felton, L. Ballard, and P. Falsone
From cuddling at the watercooler to staging erotic tableaux involving peaches, this book examines all of the wonderful benefits to be had from "dipping your pen into the company ink." If you're stuck wondering whether you should go ahead and ask your boss out for dinner, this book will more than likely have you on that date by day's end!
"Taught me a lot." --Bill Clinton
"Um, well. . . . I did get the house in the divorce
settlement." --Beth Felton
By Michael Kellerman
Sick of books always telling you how to be *better*? Mike Kellerman introduces a bold alternative to the often cloying self-help book genre: the self-*anti*-help book. In unaffected, powerful prose, Kellerman sketches out a well-thought-out and carefully considered course of action for anyone who's simply gotten tired of being happy and well adjusted. Try this one: it's a real downer!
Chapter 1 Taking That First Step: Get Accused of Something That You Didn't Even *DO*!
Chapter 2 Makin' It Real . . . Too Real: In A Moment of
Confusion and Anger, Shoot the Bastard Down
Chapter 3 The Emotionally Unfulfilling Relationship: Who
Needs Love and Support?
Chapter 4 Jim Peem: The Only *Real* Friend You've Got
Chapter 5 Entering Your Psycho Phase: Hair Tips and More
SPECIAL AFTERWORD by Paul Falsone: "Kick 'em While
They're Down; Or, How to Help Someone in Your Life Get the
Most Out of This Book"
"I might change a few of the details but for the most part,
this man really knows what he's talking about." --Beau Felton
Bad As I Wanna Be
By Mike Giardello
Warning: this book is *not* for children. In stark and often frightening language, Mike "Li'l Gee" Giardello reveals what life is like for those few who really *don't* care about the rules. Powerful, thought provoking, and almost *too* candid, this book is, again, NOT for children.
From Chapter 4: "In Which the Author Lists His Various
Escapades of MotherfuckingBadAss Badness"
"Once at the post office I took a bunch of change-of-address forms and just stuffed 'em into my pocket. Just like that. I didn't even to see if they were free."
"Sometimes I give my dad the finger when we're talking on the phone."
"I once stopped flossing for three days straight."
Shocking Secrets of the Homicide Unit
By Judy and Naomi
These two dedicated support-staff members at long last break the silence and reveal the *real* dirt staining the knickers and characters of Baltimore's finest. This is an explosive book,
What Naomi and Judy say . . .
About TIM BAYLISS: "Don't let those big eyes and that full lower lip fool you. Tim Bayliss wastes more paper clips than the rest of the unit combined."
About KAY HOWARD: "Threw away a *lot* of half-eaten
sandwiches. D'you know how many people in this world are
About FRANK PEMBLETON: "Sure, he *looks* neat. But have
you seen his (desk) drawers?"
COMING NEXT SEASON FROM SCHISM UNIVERSITY
I Hate Myself and I Want To Die. Oh, And I Hate You, Too, by Stanley Bolander
Meldrick Lewis's Guide to Safe Driving, by Meldrick Lewis
GREAT DEBATES SERIES
The H:LOTS Movie: Exciting New Development or Sucking
Chest Wound Just Waiting to Become Infected? Edited by Beth
Thormann's Feces: How Tasteful Should We Be On Schism?
Edited by Maggie and Rachel
HetFic: Meaningful Avenue of Artistic Expression, or Who the Fuck Cares? Ed. Vali, Saffron, Spinner, Holli, Hayley
Computers: Our Friends, or Evil Entities Designed to Ruin Our Lives? Ed. Redell, Maggie
BOOKS FROM SCHISMITES
My Husband Is Perfect!!!
By Karen Cooper
Drawing from many actual posts to the Schism Listserve, Ms. Cooper makes a persuasive case for the fact that she has married a perfect man with absolutely no faults. You'll love the epilogue entitled "I'm So Happy That I Often Forget To Breathe!!!"
The Living Art of Danielle Steel
This loving tribute to prolific author Danielle Steel lists 1,001 reasons (and that's almost as many books as Steel has published!) why all of us should love the woman's artfully crafted and non-cliche-ridden fiction. Jackie's deep and abiding affection for Steel is shown most movingly in chapter 4, entitled: "The Movie Version of Full Circle Puts Casablanca and Citizen Kane to Shame!"
Saffron's "Contests": Yeah, *Right*!!!
Written by a bitter loser in the recent "Pick Your Vic"
sweepstakes, this text boldly and unpleasantly seeks to reveal what seems to be a largely imagined scam behind the recent betting encouraged on Schism by Saffron.
From the text: "Okay, so it's like if *I* said 'Let's have a contest to see what 2 + 2 equals' and then I say--real fast--I say, 'All right. *MY* guess is 4!!! What do the REST of you think????' Do you SEE the level of CRUELTY we're dealing with here???
Neve Campbell: Somebody Please Kill Her . . . Because I Can't
Perhaps it's that annoying little intake of breath she uses to simulate deep emotion when she "acts." Perhaps it's the shrill and annoying giggle. Or maybe it's the fact that Julia Salinger is the most annoying TV character ever, or the fact that she frolicked in bed with Kyle Secor for at least three weeks in a row. Whatever the reason, one thing is sure: Mary Schons hates Neve Campbell's guts and really wants to see her dead. Were it not for her job ("Something for the government. It . . . wouldn't be good for me to take her out," Schons mumbles), Mary would have joyfully throttled that spindly little neck herself. However,
since such actions simply aren't feasible, Mary has written the book to, er, enlist accomplices and fellow travelers of all stripes. Interested? Mary's address and phone number are listed on the last page of the book. But don't be trying to call her up for
a date: she works for the government, after all . . .
"I'm just so fucking relieved that it's not about *me*!!" --J. Love
NEW SERIES: BEHIND THE FANDOM
This bold series examines the sometimes painful, often
tumultuous, and always fascinating stories behind the people who've enjoyed spectacular success as H:LOTS fans. "They actually made Beth seem interesting," says Rolling Stone. Check out this season's exciting offerings and see for yourself why millions are so devoted to these books.
Gone to Digest: The Marti Story
This painfully honest narrative about love and loss charts one woman's sad and inexplicable move away from the fandom in which she is loved deeply. The entire course of Marti's relationship to H:LOTS is traced here, from the giddy early days when she and friend Rachel excitedly penned the classic and controversial "Miami Slice" in an abandoned garage; to the debauched and drug-filled heydey of her success in fandom, a period culminating in the excess-driven Schism Retreat; and,
finally, to Marti's difficult and tortured decision--made only months later--to alter her Schism membership to "digest only." A moving and eloquent account of disenchantment and dreams deferred.
"She'll be back!" --R.
"Uh . . . not to sound callous . . . but is she ever gonna finish that bounty hunter/Tim fic?" --B.
You Have 9,354 New Messages: The Valeria Story
Valeria, Esq., penned the bulk of this book while at the Hazelden Recovery Center for E-mail Addiction, where she voluntarily placed herself after doctors at Cook Community Hospital refused to perform an operation to directly connect her modem to her brain. "I just don't think she *understood* that there was no way we could make e-mail messages appear on her tongue," said Dr.
With great frankness and courage, Valeria discusses her painful struggle with E-mail Checking Addiction Disorder (E-CAD), a struggle that emerged, paradoxically, soon after her meteoric rise to fame after the appearance of "Two Partners" and "Long Hot Summer Nights." This is a story that *will* disturb you, but the hopeful coda, "Really--I've Only Checked Once Today. Don't You TRUST Me, You SHIT???" offers solace. We at the Press certainly wish Valeria the best.
Two moving extracts from this fine book:
"So, a couple of people e-mailed me to tell me that they liked my fic. And that . . . that was just like *wow.* The biggest high of my life. I wanted to feel it *again.* So I figured--and this was already the disease talking--that the more often I checked my mail, the more praise I'd get. And that's when it all went to hell."
The Darkest Moment:
"People were asking me, 'So, when are you actually gonna
*finish* something?' I told them all that I was a really slow writer . . . and they believed me. Truth is, by then I was checking my e-mail something like six times a minute. Nothing--and I mean *nothing*--was gonna get written."
Schism University Press gratefully acknowledges freelance acquisitions editor Valeria, Esq., who contributed titles to this catalog.
Send cash or blank checks to BETH I., W. Horton's Halfway House. We regret that we cannot guarantee delivery dates, nor can we giftwrap, nor WILL we get your damned present to whomever it is by Dec. 25. Get a *life,* people! You could've been giving presents to your loved ones during the other ELEVEN months of the year!