Spring 2001 Catalogue


Of course April is the cruellest month, but that doesn't mean you should stop reading. Gather these titles into your arms as if they were daffodils and crocuses, and remember--Schism University Press books bloom all year long.

It is with tears of pride that we unveil the newest in a long line of Schism University Press products to our readers, namely . . .


Emblazoned with SUP's distinctive gun and condom logo, these shirts, mugs, and tote bags are certain to earn you admiring glances from everyone who sees them. Products come in puce, chartreuse, or vermilion; customers can choose one of the following messages:

(1) Schism: We Put the "Homo" back in Homicide!
(2) Schism: What Do You *Mean* Tim Bayliss Isn't a Real Person?
[Alternates include: Kay Howard, Mike Kellerman, Frank Pembleton, Stanley Bolander, Steve Crosetti, Meldrick Lewis, and Tom Fontana]
(3) What'SUP? Hanging around, Reading Some Fic
(4) Schism: Better Than You Are
(5) Schism, List of Freedom and Equal Opportunity: We have at least one MAN!

Tee shirts are made of lovely unnatural polyester; prices start at :$59.95. Mugs and tote bags are made out of duct tape; prices start at $25.95.

Special offer: Buy FIVE or more tee shirts and receive, ABSOLUTELY FREE, a Schism University Press rain bonnet!!! ORDER NOW!!!!


*NBC Homicide Auction Catalog: The Leftovers* What, so you think you're too *good* for leftovers? You think it's okay just to shove them in the back of the fridge until they mold? You claim that they gross you out?

Well, let me tell you a thing or two, baby . . . You disgust me! What about all the starving kids in Ohio who never got their Homicide memorabilia? What about all the kids who really, really *wanted* to buy socks worn by Tim Bayliss but just couldn't afford that bus ticket to Baltimore on that fateful spring day couple of years ago? Or what about people who tried and tried but in the end just couldn't play with the big boys over at e-Bay? This book is for them, and if you don't like it, you can scram!!

Ahem. This book presents lovely color photographs of the last few Homicide-related items that will be up for auction starting, well, we don't know when, but still. The pictures are fabulous, and the memorabilia unforgettable. Featured are . . .

A USED KLEENEX given a look of disgust by TOM FONTANA!!!

A CRUMPLED-UP CUP that contained a soy latte that could have been drunk by KYLE SECOR!!!!

A RUBBER BAND almost stepped on by REED DIAMOND!!!

A TICKET STUB to a movie ANY MEMBER OF THE CAST might have seen!!!


Bidding for all items starts at $2,400.

Who says the dreams of kids from Ohio can't come true? This book has provided endless pleasure and comfort for thousands--make yourself the thousand and first!

*Fun is My God* by Mike Kellerman Most religious books are dry and uninspiring--not so this frank and moving volume penned by renowned fun worshiper Michael Kellerman. In a series of lyrically written meditations, Mr. Kellerman skillfully and compellingly introduces us to the basic tenets of his own unique religion, addressing a number thorny theological issues along the way. Questions examined include:

--How will I know when it's time to accept Fun as my own personal savior?

--If Fun is omnipotent, then why do unFun things exist?

--Will people who never heard of Fun during their lifetime find Fun in the hereafter?

--Are there any sins that Fun won't help us to forget?

--Why do unFun things happen to Funny people?

The book's final chapter introduces us to Kellerman's simple guide to fun living. By using What Would Be The Fun Thing To Do? (WWBTFTTD?) as a guiding principle, Kellerman shows how a more meaningful and fun lifestyle can be attained by us all. Bracelets *are* available--this one is not to be missed!

*Homicide Haikus*
At long last, the Homicide haikus you've known and loved for years have been collected in one fabulous volume. Lovely and unique, these little gems will no doubt haunt everyone who reads them. Uh, in a good way. Kinda.

From the book:

Words, unceasing words
Fill the Cavalier. I can't
Hear myself think, Tim!

All I did was hit
One lousy M.E. van! How
Dare you bail on me?

Ten white Cavaliers
Air conditioners broken
Cops melt on the seats.

Rows of red and black,
Record of justice done. Too
Much red makes Gee mad.

Trash cans thrown around
By a bad-ass motherfuck-
Er. You rule, Li'l Gee!

*The Pembleton and Bayliss Smoking Cessation Program*
by Tim Bayliss and Frank Pembleton
Two great men, two great approaches to quitting smoking. By following one of two plans--(1) Have a life-threatening stroke and realize that if you smoke any more you'll die soon; or (2) Suck it up go cold turkey because nothing else will work--readers will all too soon find themselves free from the pernicious grip of the devil's weed. The exciting final chapter offers unique and unorthodox suggestions about blowing smoke into the faces of people trying to quit; lighting cigarettes near gas leaks and taking everyone down with you is also considered as a desperate last-ditch quitting strategy.


*Mailing List Posting Disorders and You: A Guide*

Do you have troubles making it through the day without posting?
Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night with the urge to post?
Do you often find yourself saying "I'll post just one more?"
Do you have to post much more often than you used to in order to get the same high?
Have your friends talked to you about your posting?
Have you ever felt the need to say "I can stop posting if I want to?"
Have you ever tried to quit posting and failed?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, then this valuable and inspiring book penned by Avery Asenblarg, registered PEE (posting efficiency expert), is for you. In frank and nonjudgmental language, Asenblarg first helps mailing list readers to understand and accept the pain and anguish of PD (postile dysfunction), then offers valuable and drug-free solutions toward conquering it. The crowning touch of Asenblarg's work is his posting decision- making assessment device (PODMAD), designed to enable readers to figure out the more thorny posting dilemmas on their own. An excerpt follows:

Before you post to your mailing list, ask yourself the following:


--in response to someone else [CONTINUE] or in response to yourself? [STOP!]

--contributing a new and interesting idea [CONTINUE] or regurgitating something someone else has already said? [STOP!]

--even tempered and carefully considered [CONTINUE] or written in the heat of anger? [STOP!]

--an angry, illogical screed about Laura Ballard [CONTINUE] or an angry, illogical screed about Laura Ballard? [CONTINUE]

--furthering a meaningful discussion on the list [CONTINUE] or arguing passionately about minutiae involving Tim Bayliss? [STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE STOP!!!!]

There's no need for shame about PD. Let Dr. Asenblarg's book help you!

Tim Bayliss Crossovers, volume 6:
*The Rock Stars,* edited by Shell
Guest editor Shell, the woman who first introduced Billy Tallent to Tim Bayliss, now presents this exhaustively researched volume chronicling the many other crossover stories featuring Tim Bayliss and rock stars. This is responsible and articulate scholarship worthy of display in anyone's library. A special Appendix in which Shell lists other rock stars we might pair Tim Bayliss with (and then provides editorial commentary on the pairings) makes this volume downright invaluable.

Possible Pairings and commentary culled from the Appendix:
312. Tim Bayliss and 'NSYNC (Yer goin' straight to hell!)
323. Tim Bayliss and Britney Spears (Oops!)
454. Tim Bayliss and Foreigner (All of 'em! And Foghat, Asia, and Toto, too!)
498. Tim Bayliss, Ricky Martin, and Enrique Iglesias (It's loca!)
559. Tim Bayliss and Moby (EEEwwwww!!!)

N.B. Earlier volumes in this series are still available!
Volume 5: * The FBI Agents and the Military*
Volume 4: *The Undead and the Immortal*
Volume 3: *The Doctors*
Volume 2: *The Lawyers and the Politicians*
Volume 1: *The Other Cops*


*Volume Four: The Lunavudu Story*
This very special and very affecting installment of BTF describes how even the youngest and the brightest can tragically fall from grace. While often disturbing and painful to read, this book is nonetheless recommended for everyone. We at Schism University Press believe that all can learn from Luna's tragic story.

From the introduction:
After a meteoric rise to fame following publication of her "Can This Partnership Be Saved" series, Lunavudu had the wind behind her back and the world at her feet. "She was putting out stories at an unbelievable rate--and good stuff, too!" said Valeria, Schism's mysterious and reclusive third list admin. "All of us thought, 'This girl's going to be around for a while--nothing's gonna stop her!' which of course makes what really did happen all the more painful."

From chapter 4: Where Did It All Go Wrong?
Enter *The View.* At first, Ms. Vudu stated that she was watching this television program, a poisonous and insidious sign of the upcoming apocalypse, out of sheer boredom, but as time passed, it became harder and harder for her fans to believe her. All pretense of normalcy was shattered in early 2001, when Ms. Vudu made a series of increasingly disturbed claims about *The View* on the Schism mailing list, culminating with the sad and delusional assertion that Richard Belzer himself had appeared on the show. From there, it was all downhill and in subsequent weeks, Ms. Vudu stopped writing altogether save for a few disjointed and largely incoherent postings to the list claiming that Jesus, Jim Morrison, the Teletubbies, and Bea Arthur had also appeared on the mindnumbingly awful program.

From the conclusion:
As of now, Ms. Vudu's future remains uncertain. A few concerned members of Schism made a tearful pilgrimage to her house to attempt to convince her to stop watching the program, but Ms. Vudu angrily threw them out of the house, muttering, "Leave me the hell alone! *Mars and Venus* is on next!" Further plans for rehabilitation have been formulated but not acted upon at this time.

"I just wish she'd come back," said Jess, Luna's longtime writing companion and friend. "This whole thing is just too sad for words."

NOTE: Book contains several disturbing images of Barbara Walters and Starr Whatsername.

*Plots: Vastly Overrated, or Can They Help Our Stories?*
by Luna and Rachel

*Canon: Crucial Touchstone or Minor Annoyance?*
by Kez and Robin

*Bayliss's Eyecolor: Compelling Issue Worthy of In-depth Discussion, or Shut the Hell Up?*
by DEA and Beth


*Tom Fontana Living*
Feature Article by Tom Fontana: "Chris? Chris? Chris! Come back! *Pleeeease*!"

Featured Interview with Chris Meloni: "Why I'll Never, Ever Go Back."

*Butt-Ramming Quarterly*
Special Throttled Prostate issue!

*My On-Line Journal* by Tim Bayliss
*John Munch's Guide to Effective Test-Taking* by John Munch
*Never Say You're Sorry* by Frank Pembleton and George W. Bush

As usual blank checks and cash are accepted; you also now have the option of using the SUP barter system, which involves the following: make me an offer and we'll go from there. I like books, chocolate, fancy pens, nice paper, and books. Send feedback to

Earlier editions of the Schism University Press catalog:
Fall 1999
Winter and Christmas 1999
Spring and Summer 2000
Fall 2000