SCHISM UNIVERSITY PRESS
Spring 2001 Catalogue
SCHISM UNIVERSITY PRESS
SPRING 2001 CATALOG
Of course April is the cruellest month, but that doesn't
mean you should stop reading. Gather these titles into
your arms as if they were daffodils and crocuses, and
remember--Schism University Press books bloom all year
NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW!
It is with tears of pride that we unveil the newest in a
long line of Schism University Press products to our
readers, namely . . .
SCHISM UNIVERSITY PRESS TEE SHIRTS, COFFEE MUGS,
AND TOTE BAGS!!!!
Emblazoned with SUP's distinctive gun and condom logo,
these shirts, mugs, and tote bags are certain to earn you
admiring glances from everyone who sees them. Products come
in puce, chartreuse, or vermilion; customers can choose one
of the following messages:
(1) Schism: We Put the "Homo" back in Homicide!
(2) Schism: What Do You *Mean* Tim Bayliss Isn't a Real
[Alternates include: Kay Howard, Mike Kellerman, Frank
Pembleton, Stanley Bolander, Steve Crosetti, Meldrick
Lewis, and Tom Fontana]
(3) What'SUP? Hanging around, Reading Some Fic
(4) Schism: Better Than You Are
(5) Schism, List of Freedom and Equal Opportunity: We have
at least one MAN!
Tee shirts are made of lovely unnatural polyester; prices
start at :$59.95. Mugs and tote bags are made out of duct
tape; prices start at $25.95.
Special offer: Buy FIVE or more tee shirts and receive,
ABSOLUTELY FREE, a Schism University Press rain bonnet!!!
BOOKS BY AND ABOUT MEMBERS OF THE HOMICIDE SQUAD
*NBC Homicide Auction Catalog: The Leftovers*
What, so you think you're too *good* for leftovers? You
think it's okay just to shove them in the back of the
fridge until they mold? You claim that they gross you out?
Well, let me tell you a thing or two, baby . . . You
disgust me! What about all the starving kids in Ohio who
never got their Homicide memorabilia? What about all the
kids who really, really *wanted* to buy socks worn by Tim
Bayliss but just couldn't afford that bus ticket to
Baltimore on that fateful spring day couple of years ago?
Or what about people who tried and tried but in the end
just couldn't play with the big boys over at e-Bay? This
book is for them, and if you don't like it, you can scram!!
Ahem. This book presents lovely color photographs of the
last few Homicide-related items that will be up for auction
starting, well, we don't know when, but still. The
pictures are fabulous, and the memorabilia unforgettable.
Featured are . . .
A USED KLEENEX given a look of disgust by TOM FONTANA!!!
A CRUMPLED-UP CUP that contained a soy latte that could
have been drunk by KYLE SECOR!!!!
A RUBBER BAND almost stepped on by REED DIAMOND!!!
A TICKET STUB to a movie ANY MEMBER OF THE CAST might have
YAPHET KOTTO's FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS!!!!
Bidding for all items starts at $2,400.
Who says the dreams of kids from Ohio can't come true?
This book has provided endless pleasure and comfort for
thousands--make yourself the thousand and first!
*Fun is My God* by Mike Kellerman
Most religious books are dry and uninspiring--not so this
frank and moving volume penned by renowned fun worshiper
Michael Kellerman. In a series of lyrically written
meditations, Mr. Kellerman skillfully and compellingly
introduces us to the basic tenets of his own unique
religion, addressing a number thorny theological issues
along the way. Questions examined include:
--How will I know when it's time to accept Fun as my own
--If Fun is omnipotent, then why do unFun things exist?
--Will people who never heard of Fun during their lifetime
find Fun in the hereafter?
--Are there any sins that Fun won't help us to forget?
--Why do unFun things happen to Funny people?
The book's final chapter introduces us to Kellerman's
simple guide to fun living. By using What Would Be The
Fun Thing To Do? (WWBTFTTD?) as a guiding principle,
Kellerman shows how a more meaningful and fun lifestyle can
be attained by us all. Bracelets *are* available--this one
is not to be missed!
At long last, the Homicide haikus you've known and loved
for years have been collected in one fabulous volume.
Lovely and unique, these little gems will no doubt haunt
everyone who reads them. Uh, in a good way. Kinda.
From the book:
Words, unceasing words
Fill the Cavalier. I can't
Hear myself think, Tim!
All I did was hit
One lousy M.E. van! How
Dare you bail on me?
Ten white Cavaliers
Air conditioners broken
Cops melt on the seats.
Rows of red and black,
Record of justice done. Too
Much red makes Gee mad.
Trash cans thrown around
By a bad-ass motherfuck-
Er. You rule, Li'l Gee!
*The Pembleton and Bayliss Smoking Cessation Program*
by Tim Bayliss and Frank Pembleton
Two great men, two great approaches to quitting smoking. By
following one of two plans--(1) Have a life-threatening
stroke and realize that if you smoke any more you'll die
soon; or (2) Suck it up go cold turkey because nothing else
will work--readers will all too soon find themselves free
from the pernicious grip of the devil's weed. The
exciting final chapter offers unique and unorthodox
suggestions about blowing smoke into the faces of people
trying to quit; lighting cigarettes near gas leaks and
taking everyone down with you is also considered as a
desperate last-ditch quitting strategy.
BOOKS BY AND ABOUT MEMBERS OF SCHISM
*Mailing List Posting Disorders and You: A Guide*
Do you have troubles making it through the day without
Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night with the
urge to post?
Do you often find yourself saying "I'll post just one
Do you have to post much more often than you used to in
order to get the same high?
Have your friends talked to you about your posting?
Have you ever felt the need to say "I can stop posting if I
Have you ever tried to quit posting and failed?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, then
this valuable and inspiring book penned by Avery Asenblarg,
registered PEE (posting efficiency expert), is for you. In
frank and nonjudgmental language, Asenblarg first helps
mailing list readers to understand and accept the pain and
anguish of PD (postile dysfunction), then offers valuable
and drug-free solutions toward conquering it. The
crowning touch of Asenblarg's work is his posting decision-
making assessment device (PODMAD), designed to enable
readers to figure out the more thorny posting dilemmas on
their own. An excerpt follows:
Before you post to your mailing list, ask yourself the
IS THIS POST . . .
--in response to someone else [CONTINUE] or in response to
--contributing a new and interesting idea [CONTINUE] or
regurgitating something someone else has already
--even tempered and carefully considered [CONTINUE] or
written in the heat of anger? [STOP!]
--an angry, illogical screed about Laura Ballard [CONTINUE]
or an angry, illogical screed about Laura Ballard? [CONTINUE]
--furthering a meaningful discussion on the list [CONTINUE]
or arguing passionately about minutiae involving Tim
Bayliss? [STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE STOP!!!!]
There's no need for shame about PD. Let Dr. Asenblarg's
book help you!
Tim Bayliss Crossovers, volume 6:
*The Rock Stars,* edited by Shell
Guest editor Shell, the woman who first introduced Billy
Tallent to Tim Bayliss, now presents this exhaustively
researched volume chronicling the many other crossover
stories featuring Tim Bayliss and rock stars. This is
responsible and articulate scholarship worthy of display in
anyone's library. A special Appendix in which Shell lists
other rock stars we might pair Tim Bayliss with (and then
provides editorial commentary on the pairings) makes this
volume downright invaluable.
Possible Pairings and commentary culled from the Appendix:
312. Tim Bayliss and 'NSYNC (Yer goin' straight to hell!)
323. Tim Bayliss and Britney Spears (Oops!)
454. Tim Bayliss and Foreigner (All of 'em! And Foghat, Asia,
and Toto, too!)
498. Tim Bayliss, Ricky Martin, and Enrique Iglesias (It's
559. Tim Bayliss and Moby (EEEwwwww!!!)
N.B. Earlier volumes in this series are still available!
Volume 5: * The FBI Agents and the Military*
Volume 4: *The Undead and the Immortal*
Volume 3: *The Doctors*
Volume 2: *The Lawyers and the Politicians*
Volume 1: *The Other Cops*
BEHIND THE FANDOM
*Volume Four: The Lunavudu Story*
This very special and very affecting installment of BTF
describes how even the youngest and the brightest can
tragically fall from grace. While often disturbing and
painful to read, this book is nonetheless recommended for
everyone. We at Schism University Press believe that all
can learn from Luna's tragic story.
From the introduction:
After a meteoric rise to fame following publication of her
"Can This Partnership Be Saved" series, Lunavudu had the
wind behind her back and the world at her feet. "She was
putting out stories at an unbelievable rate--and good
stuff, too!" said Valeria, Schism's mysterious and
reclusive third list admin. "All of us thought, 'This
girl's going to be around for a while--nothing's gonna stop
her!' which of course makes what really did happen all the
From chapter 4: Where Did It All Go Wrong?
Enter *The View.* At first, Ms. Vudu stated that she was
watching this television program, a poisonous and insidious
sign of the upcoming apocalypse, out of sheer boredom, but
as time passed, it became harder and harder for her fans to
believe her. All pretense of normalcy was shattered in
early 2001, when Ms. Vudu made a series of increasingly
disturbed claims about *The View* on the Schism mailing
list, culminating with the sad and delusional assertion
that Richard Belzer himself had appeared on the show. From
there, it was all downhill and in subsequent weeks, Ms.
Vudu stopped writing altogether save for a few disjointed
and largely incoherent postings to the list claiming that
Jesus, Jim Morrison, the Teletubbies, and Bea Arthur had
also appeared on the mindnumbingly awful program.
From the conclusion:
As of now, Ms. Vudu's future remains uncertain. A few
concerned members of Schism made a tearful pilgrimage to
her house to attempt to convince her to stop watching the
program, but Ms. Vudu angrily threw them out of the house,
muttering, "Leave me the hell alone! *Mars and Venus* is on
next!" Further plans for rehabilitation have been
formulated but not acted upon at this time.
"I just wish she'd come back," said Jess, Luna's longtime
writing companion and friend. "This whole thing is just
too sad for words."
NOTE: Book contains several disturbing images of Barbara
Walters and Starr Whatsername.
New in our GREAT DEBATES SERIES!
*Plots: Vastly Overrated, or Can They Help Our Stories?*
by Luna and Rachel
*Canon: Crucial Touchstone or Minor Annoyance?*
by Kez and Robin
*Bayliss's Eyecolor: Compelling Issue Worthy of In-depth
Discussion, or Shut the Hell Up?*
by DEA and Beth
*Tom Fontana Living*
Feature Article by Tom Fontana: "Chris? Chris? Chris! Come
Featured Interview with Chris Meloni: "Why I'll Never, Ever
Special Throttled Prostate issue!
FORTHCOMING FROM SCHISM UNIVERSITY PRESS
*My On-Line Journal* by Tim Bayliss
*John Munch's Guide to Effective Test-Taking* by John Munch
*Never Say You're Sorry* by Frank Pembleton and George W.
As usual blank checks and cash are accepted; you also now
have the option of using the SUP barter system, which
involves the following: make me an offer and we'll go from
there. I like books, chocolate, fancy pens, nice paper,
and books. Send feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Earlier editions of the Schism University Press catalog:
Winter and Christmas 1999
Spring and Summer 2000