SCHISM UNIVERSITY PRESS
Spring Fever and Summer Fun 2000
Books Inspired By "Homicide: The Movie"
Spoiler City: A Preview of *Homicide: Ruined For Life,*
the Second Homicide Movie
By Tom Fontana
In this book, Mr. Fontana discusses his exciting plans
for the follow-up to the inspirational feel-good film
of the year, his much-beloved "Homicide: The Movie."
He doesn't want to reveal too much, but Mr. Fontana
does drop a few hints about plot developments to come.
What will happen to:
Det. Tim Bayliss?
"Well basically, while in Riker's Island Prison, he'll
be stricken with smallpox, lose all of his arms and
legs in a brawl with some skinheads, and develop male
pattern baldness just after finding out that his mother
never loved him. Then a crazy man will pour boiling
soup over his face."
"He'll have a second stroke that leaves him permanently
paralyzed. His wife Mary will then abandon him and take
the children to an undisclosed location."
"He'll be arrested for littering, fined $10,000, and
then murdered in prison by the same skinheads who cut
off Bayliss's arms and legs."
John Munch and Kay Howard?
"Ummm . . . Who are these people again? Did I--are
these characters *I* created??? 'Cause I'm drawing a
Critical Perspectives on *Homicide: The Movie*
This book brings together today's best minds in film
criticism. Our distinguished authors present essays
that are sometimes controversial and sometimes brash,
but always exciting. They're guaranteed to give you
new perspectives on the movie--and perhaps also on life
Table of Contents:
Chap. 1 Mike Giardello: Moral and Spiritual Center of
the Movie, by G. Esposito
Chap. 2 Nothing but Sentimental Schlock: Has Fontana
Lost His Ability to Shock and Depress Us? by Downwida
Chap. 3 The Whole Thing Was Actually a Bad Dream Had
by Paul Falsone's Pet Hamster, by Iwish Itwaso
Chap. 4 Megan Russert: Her Actions in the Film, If
Read Correctly, Foretell the Coming Apocalypse, by
Chap. 5 I Swear to God, If You Play the Roof Scene
Backward, You Can Hear the Words 'Tom Is Dead,'
BOOKS BY AND ABOUT MEMBERS OF THE HOMICIDE UNIT
Tim Bayliss: A Day Book of Comfort and Hope
This book teaches women how to stop self-destructive
behavior and get rid of low self-esteem by focusing on
more positive and empowering things like Tim Bayliss.
A series of inspirational affirmations with titles such
as "Oh my GOD--how can he be so *HOT*???" and "His
Mouth, His Mouth, His Mouth" will lead every woman to a
stronger and surer sense of herself. And Tim Bayliss.
Forming A Healthy Relationship
By Mike Kellerman and Julianna Cox
This dynamic couple offers valuable advice to anyone
seeking to make a relationship work. Cox and
Kellerman's three-step plan--1. Always Fuck Drunk; 2.
Never Say What You Mean; and 3. Be Cruel at Random and
Unforeseen Moments--is nothing short of genius.
The Ether Bunny: Fun and Formaldehyde with Dr. G
By G. Griscom
Tips and anecdotes from the beloved king of the
underworld. Whether offering advice on which foods
taste best when eaten next to corpses or revealing the
secret to simultaneously annoying and charming John
Munch, Dr. Griscom is sure to enlighten and delight
The Prime of J. H. Brodie
Well, okay, so there wasn't one. This is actually a
blank book. You can rip out the pages and use them to
line bird cages.
Sammy the Seal
In this charming book for children aged 3 and up, Sammy
the Seal discovers that his intuitive way of hunting
for fish beats the logical and cold-hearted techniques
of his mean friend Earnie the Eel.
Robby the Rabbit
In this story, which is, we suppose, technically for
children, Robby the Rabbit discovers that the constant
whining and crying of his friend Stupid Dumbass ruins
everything and makes everyone's job a lot harder to do.
JOURNALS FROM SUP
Butt-Ramming Quarterly. Note: copies of our special
"Over the Back of the Chair" issue are still available!
NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW!
Tom Fontana Living
This magazine will offer insights on restoring old
houses, finding the best and most revoltingly stinky
cigars, and throwing wild New Year's Eve parties.
Special X-Rated insert includes essays on sadism, actor
houseboys, and the new series entitled The Beatoff.
NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW!
HolliVision CableTV Guide
Bummed out because you missed the special version of
the movie wherein Frank and Tim have hot sex on the roof
instead of arguing? Miffed that you watched "Blood
Ties" 1, 2, and 3 instead of "Kay's Triumph" or "Tim
and Chris's Date," parts 1 through 1,243? Well, your
troubles are now over! For the first time ever, viewers
will be forewarned about programming on the highly
esteemed HolliVision Cable Network. Learn how to set
your VCRs, people! Okay, well, Beth learn how.
Everyone else can probably already do it.
BOOKS BY MEMBERS OF SCHISM
Maggie the Cat's You Said *That*?!?!
Every say anything dumb on Schism? Ever write
something that you were a little embarrassed of
afterward? Be afraid, then--be very afraid. In this
book, which required hours of research in the Schism
Archive, Maggie the Cat finds all of the dumb things
anyone ever said and then quotes them out of context.
Guaranteed to provide hours of amusement . . . until
you get to the page where *you're* quoted.
NOTE: It has been determined that if you read this book
backward after having taken six hits of acid, you will
be exposed to the entire text of Maggie the Cat's
heretical "Die, Sniveling Maggot" poem about Officer
Chris Thormann. Buyers are therefore strongly
Dooshka Dashka's Tales of Computer Terrorism
This very special collection of fan fiction was written
on the sly by Dasha on her tyrannical father's
computer. Alternately arousing, heart-warming, and
amusing, these stories all share one thing: they're
less than one page long!
An ENTIRE STORY from the book:
Mikey and Meldrick wanted to have sex again, so they
climbed on the bed together and then gra
Homicide Rareslash: It's About Time
by Mary Schons and Valeria
This book boldly goes where no sane person has gone
before. Wildly improbable pairings that the authors
call "intriguing" and "refreshing" are suggested, as
are demented Byzantine crossover plot ideas. This book
*will* change the way you think about Tim Bayliss and
the Incredible Hulk. In bed. Yes, we're sorry. We at
the press are *very* sorry. Please forgive us,
Ideas from the book:
"One crossover *dying* to be written is H:LOTS and Hee
Haw. Munch and Buck Owens were meant for each other!"
"You'll kick yourself in the head for not having
thought about it before, but how about writing a story
in which each member of the H:LOTS cast discovers that
in a previous life s/he was one of Jim Henson's
Muppets?? And how about *setting* the story in the
Medieval era??? Some *great* potential there, people!!"
The Ties That Bind: A New Look at Season 7
This book does what no one thought could be done: it
gives us a reason to watch season 7. The plan is
ingenious: instead of focusing on plot, character
development, or dialogue, Brenda recommends that
viewers instead take note of the ties that each
From the introduction:
"Figuring out who wears which tie when, and in which
episode, and how many times each character wears the
same tie, and whether said tie matches the rest of the
character's outfit, proves to be infinitely more
engaging and worthwhile than trying to figure out what
the hell is going on in the season 7 episodes."
Totally changed the way I watched the show! Geoffrey
When an issue of sufficient political and social import
arises, we at the Schism University Press like to take
part in the debate. With that in mind, we offer the
Why I'm Delighted With the Onelist Family Filter
From the pamphlet:
"I've tried to find ways to filter e-mail from my
family for years, but with no success. Now I can make
sure that I never have to hear from those bastards
again! For the first time in years, the Internet is a
safe place for me. Thank you, Onelist!"
Send cash or blank checks to beth666ann@y...
Earlier editions of the Schism University Press catalog:
Winter and Christmas 1999