Spring Fever and Summer Fun 2000

Books Inspired By "Homicide: The Movie"

Spoiler City: A Preview of *Homicide: Ruined For Life,* the Second Homicide Movie
By Tom Fontana
In this book, Mr. Fontana discusses his exciting plans for the follow-up to the inspirational feel-good film of the year, his much-beloved "Homicide: The Movie." He doesn't want to reveal too much, but Mr. Fontana does drop a few hints about plot developments to come.

What will happen to:

Det. Tim Bayliss?
"Well basically, while in Riker's Island Prison, he'll be stricken with smallpox, lose all of his arms and legs in a brawl with some skinheads, and develop male pattern baldness just after finding out that his mother never loved him. Then a crazy man will pour boiling soup over his face."

Frank Pembleton?
"He'll have a second stroke that leaves him permanently paralyzed. His wife Mary will then abandon him and take the children to an undisclosed location."

Mike Kellerman?
"He'll be arrested for littering, fined $10,000, and then murdered in prison by the same skinheads who cut off Bayliss's arms and legs."

John Munch and Kay Howard?
"Ummm . . . Who are these people again? Did I--are these characters *I* created??? 'Cause I'm drawing a blank here."

Critical Perspectives on *Homicide: The Movie*
This book brings together today's best minds in film criticism. Our distinguished authors present essays that are sometimes controversial and sometimes brash, but always exciting. They're guaranteed to give you new perspectives on the movie--and perhaps also on life itself.

Table of Contents:

Chap. 1 Mike Giardello: Moral and Spiritual Center of the Movie, by G. Esposito

Chap. 2 Nothing but Sentimental Schlock: Has Fontana Lost His Ability to Shock and Depress Us? by Downwida Street

Chap. 3 The Whole Thing Was Actually a Bad Dream Had by Paul Falsone's Pet Hamster, by Iwish Itwaso

Chap. 4 Megan Russert: Her Actions in the Film, If Read Correctly, Foretell the Coming Apocalypse, by Horseman 1

Chap. 5 I Swear to God, If You Play the Roof Scene Backward, You Can Hear the Words 'Tom Is Dead,' by Anonymous


Tim Bayliss: A Day Book of Comfort and Hope
This book teaches women how to stop self-destructive behavior and get rid of low self-esteem by focusing on more positive and empowering things like Tim Bayliss. A series of inspirational affirmations with titles such as "Oh my GOD--how can he be so *HOT*???" and "His Mouth, His Mouth, His Mouth" will lead every woman to a stronger and surer sense of herself. And Tim Bayliss.

Forming A Healthy Relationship
By Mike Kellerman and Julianna Cox
This dynamic couple offers valuable advice to anyone seeking to make a relationship work. Cox and Kellerman's three-step plan--1. Always Fuck Drunk; 2. Never Say What You Mean; and 3. Be Cruel at Random and Unforeseen Moments--is nothing short of genius.

The Ether Bunny: Fun and Formaldehyde with Dr. G
By G. Griscom
Tips and anecdotes from the beloved king of the underworld. Whether offering advice on which foods taste best when eaten next to corpses or revealing the secret to simultaneously annoying and charming John Munch, Dr. Griscom is sure to enlighten and delight readers.

The Prime of J. H. Brodie
Well, okay, so there wasn't one. This is actually a blank book. You can rip out the pages and use them to line bird cages.

Sammy the Seal
by TB
In this charming book for children aged 3 and up, Sammy the Seal discovers that his intuitive way of hunting for fish beats the logical and cold-hearted techniques of his mean friend Earnie the Eel.

Robby the Rabbit
by FP
In this story, which is, we suppose, technically for children, Robby the Rabbit discovers that the constant whining and crying of his friend Stupid Dumbass ruins everything and makes everyone's job a lot harder to do.


Butt-Ramming Quarterly. Note: copies of our special "Over the Back of the Chair" issue are still available!


Tom Fontana Living
This magazine will offer insights on restoring old houses, finding the best and most revoltingly stinky cigars, and throwing wild New Year's Eve parties. Special X-Rated insert includes essays on sadism, actor houseboys, and the new series entitled The Beatoff.


HolliVision CableTV Guide
Bummed out because you missed the special version of the movie wherein Frank and Tim have hot sex on the roof instead of arguing? Miffed that you watched "Blood Ties" 1, 2, and 3 instead of "Kay's Triumph" or "Tim and Chris's Date," parts 1 through 1,243? Well, your troubles are now over! For the first time ever, viewers will be forewarned about programming on the highly esteemed HolliVision Cable Network. Learn how to set your VCRs, people! Okay, well, Beth learn how. Everyone else can probably already do it.


Maggie the Cat's You Said *That*?!?!
Every say anything dumb on Schism? Ever write something that you were a little embarrassed of afterward? Be afraid, then--be very afraid. In this book, which required hours of research in the Schism Archive, Maggie the Cat finds all of the dumb things anyone ever said and then quotes them out of context. Guaranteed to provide hours of amusement . . . until you get to the page where *you're* quoted.

NOTE: It has been determined that if you read this book backward after having taken six hits of acid, you will be exposed to the entire text of Maggie the Cat's heretical "Die, Sniveling Maggot" poem about Officer Chris Thormann. Buyers are therefore strongly cautioned.

Dooshka Dashka's Tales of Computer Terrorism
This very special collection of fan fiction was written on the sly by Dasha on her tyrannical father's computer. Alternately arousing, heart-warming, and amusing, these stories all share one thing: they're less than one page long!

An ENTIRE STORY from the book:

Mikey and Meldrick wanted to have sex again, so they climbed on the bed together and then gra

Homicide Rareslash: It's About Time
by Mary Schons and Valeria
This book boldly goes where no sane person has gone before. Wildly improbable pairings that the authors call "intriguing" and "refreshing" are suggested, as are demented Byzantine crossover plot ideas. This book *will* change the way you think about Tim Bayliss and the Incredible Hulk. In bed. Yes, we're sorry. We at the press are *very* sorry. Please forgive us, readers.

Ideas from the book:

"One crossover *dying* to be written is H:LOTS and Hee Haw. Munch and Buck Owens were meant for each other!"

"You'll kick yourself in the head for not having thought about it before, but how about writing a story in which each member of the H:LOTS cast discovers that in a previous life s/he was one of Jim Henson's Muppets?? And how about *setting* the story in the Medieval era??? Some *great* potential there, people!!"

The Ties That Bind: A New Look at Season 7
by Brenda
This book does what no one thought could be done: it gives us a reason to watch season 7. The plan is ingenious: instead of focusing on plot, character development, or dialogue, Brenda recommends that viewers instead take note of the ties that each character wears.

From the introduction:
"Figuring out who wears which tie when, and in which episode, and how many times each character wears the same tie, and whether said tie matches the rest of the character's outfit, proves to be infinitely more engaging and worthwhile than trying to figure out what the hell is going on in the season 7 episodes."

Totally changed the way I watched the show! Geoffrey Beene


When an issue of sufficient political and social import arises, we at the Schism University Press like to take part in the debate. With that in mind, we offer the following pamphlet.

Why I'm Delighted With the Onelist Family Filter
by Rachel

From the pamphlet:
"I've tried to find ways to filter e-mail from my family for years, but with no success. Now I can make sure that I never have to hear from those bastards again! For the first time in years, the Internet is a safe place for me. Thank you, Onelist!"


Send cash or blank checks to beth666ann@y...

Earlier editions of the Schism University Press catalog:
Fall 1999
Winter and Christmas 1999