Fall 2000 Catalogue

FALL 2000

Ah, autumn. Season of mists and mellow fruity goodness . . . erm, um, Keats said something like that, didn't he? At any rate, we at the press are delighted to introduce our fall books to you, all of them decked out in tasteful jackets of burnt orange, fiery yellow, and red-delicious red.


The H:LOTS Mail Order Catalogue
Ever wondered what you'd look like in a black suit and narrow tie? Longing to know what it really feels like to chase criminals in tight sweaters and stacked heels? Are you one of the many who'd love to pretend to be Tim Bayliss taking off his clothes--over and over again?

Maybe your tastes are more refined. Maybe you're enchanted by the "I'm one of the boys, hmmm" cross- dressing of Kay Howard, or perhaps you've always wanted to wear a pork-pie hat. Or a cornflower blue shirt.

Well . . . Whether you're entranced by Falsone Pimp chic or Pembletonian Dandyism, this catalogue will ensure that you're decked out in style. Attractive clothes at reasonable prices: how can you resist? Order now!


Rex's Guide to City Living
by Rex (posthumously published) Lots of hydrants, idyllic walks through colorful neighborhoods, that hot poodle next door, a sweet if tense pal named Frankie. Gravy train, the unfortunate slippers incident (they looked so damn good, you know?), and why getting scratched behind the ears is better than sex. Mind you, gentle readers: Rex enjoyed city living very much!

If You Can't Be with the One You Love, Marry the One You Don't
by Meldrick Lewis
Excellent advice on sublimation, avoidance, and panic- driven decision making from a man known for his pro- active stance to confusing or frightening emotional situations.

"He shouldn't have. No, really--he shouldn't have."
--B. Shivers

There Are Some Pretty Good Frozen Dinners Out There
by Tim Bayliss
Swanson, Michelina's, Lean Cuisine, or Budget Gourmet? If you're like most people, the world of frozen dinners is confusing, and a bit frightening. Well, take a deep breath and worry no longer, readers, because in this comprehensive guide Tim Bayliss hacks an easy-to-follow path through the terrifying frozen food jungle. An expansive 1,123 pages long!

"Thank god for Tim Bayliss!"
--the We Fucking Hate Cooking! Society

The John Munch and Alyssa Dyer Songbook
edited by John Munch and Alyssa Dyer
When they're not spending their time cooking up exciting "new" JFK assassination theories or writing "hilarious" Nixon jokes, these lovebirds devote their "considerable" imaginative powers to the screenplay of the upcoming film Lady Chatterly's Great-Great-Great Granddaughter. But when they're not doing that, people, they're singing! That's right! In this volume John and Alyssa have collected their all-time favorite romantic lullabies, from "Tush" to "Elvis is Everywhere." Gather one and all around the family piano for hours of fun singing great tunes like "Baby Come Back" and "Your Cheatin' Heart"! Wholesome family fun not to be missed.

How to Make 'Em Like Ya: The Paul Falsone Detective Etiquette Series part 1
by Paul Falsone
Fear no more--your most difficult questions about detective etiquette are soon to be answered, and in concise and easy-to-read prose! We at SUP are delighted to introduce this scintillating series of extremely helpful and quirky advice. Simple sentence structures virtually guaranteed!

Volume 1 focuses on how to ingratiate yourself if you're new on the job. Paul Falsone's advice is guaranteed to get you off on the right foot in any homicide unit, and if you're uncertain, well, just look how well things worked out for him!

From the book: "It's a good idea to look at the record of the guys you'll be working with--oh yeah, and the babes, too. See if you can find any dirt, filth, or slime in their past, then smear it all over the place. The rest of your squad will be grateful to you for years."

"Hey--the kid's on the fast track. One day he'll be just like me."
--Det. Higbee


Charisse, Sharise, Psychereese?: How the Hell Do You Spell My Name? by C. or S. Giardello
My Eyes: Hazel or Brown? And Are Chris's Gray or Blue? by Tim Bayliss
Wonder What Kind of Doctor I'd Make? by Renee Sheppard, Tim Bayliss, and Frank Pembleton
Why the Hell Won't Everyone Shut Up? by Frank Pembleton
Uh, Is It Last Call Already? by Mike Kellerman
What'll It Be Today, Sexy Ringlets or Crazy Waves? by Mike Giardello

Mary Pembleton's Book of Long-Suffering Patience
by Mary Pembleton
In this elegantly written volume, Mary Pembleton, shining example of selflessness and supportiveness, gives us the secrets behind her successful marriage. If you've got your own mercurial husband to deal with, this book will prove indispensable!

From the book: "Oh, sure, Frank can be difficult, but I don't mind. I just press my lips together and count to ten!

When that doesn't work, I go out to the back yard, rip apart several small, filthy rodents, and then cook up a hearty "beef" stew just for Frank. Boy, does he love it!

I'm There First: The Inspirational Life Story of Officer Sally Rogers
by [Now in witness protection program]
No officer has arrived first at more crime scenes than Sally Rogers. Her bright smile and friendly manner have inspired many (to commit horrible murder), as have pithy and memorable statements like "This one was ugly (so I stabbed him forty-two times in the face)." A speculative epilogue entitled "My God--She's A Maniac!!!" ends the book with a resounding bang.


Not Without Mah KID!: The Falsone Custody Battles by Paul Falsone
Molly Was So Smart! by Tim Bayliss
I Am Not Dead! by Al Giardello


Butt Ramming Quarterly: Special "shorn balls" issue available now! Poetry, photographs, paperdolls, more!

Tom Fontana Living: Special issue: Beat Down, Show Took: A Genius Copes with Grief


The Kyle Secor Annotated Filmography
by Rachel
Every so often an actor complies a career of stunning artistic and critical brilliance. Looking at the filmography of such talented individuals is almost like reading a biography of sorts, for it is in their artistic and creative choices that actors most intimately reveal themselves. With this crucial idea in mind, Rachel looks carefully at memorable Secor films such as Her Desperate Choice and Seige At Marion in an attempt to understand the myriad themes and motifs running through the career--and, perhaps, heart--of Kyle Secor. Readers will especially enjoy Chapter 1: "Hey! You! Git offa Mah Land!: Religious Fanaticism and Public Speech." Chapter 2, "The Vague Southern Accent as Indicator of Midwestern Rural Identity," won the Midwest Film Critics Crop Circle award for best essay on a bad film or films.

The Schism Golden Book of Feedback
by Assorted
A wonderful compilation of warm and witty responses to fan fiction from the irrepressible folks at Schism. You'll find examples of approval ("Ohmygod!!!! I LOVED IT!!!!), slightly reserved acceptance (I loved it!!!), and incisive critical critique (Good Story!!! :)). The special section on complete silence as a means of expressing disapproval was unfortunately not completed, nor was the special afterword discussing the role of apathy in feedback reduction, but this is nonetheless a valuable work that should have a prominent place on America's bookshelves.

Um, I'm Kind of Immersed in Another Fandom Right Now, So . . .
by Anonymous
Okay. So the movie was deeply soul-crushing and unpleasant, and Court TV has moved the show to 3:30 a.m. Plus, you're having troubles believing that the same man who cried for Adena upon the death of Jake the Police Dog could grow up to murder a maniac on behalf of Renee Sheppard. All good and well. But come on, people! I mean, a sanctimonious Mountie who can't decide between a bald man and a sexy blonde? Boy bands?!? Two grown men living together in close quarters for three years and still claiming "It's all about friendship"? Um, head-cutting-off and "There can only be one"? The increasingly pathetic adventures of a fortysomething Wanna Believer? Who cares if they fucked?! The only one even worth watching on that show is the sexy sociopathic--

Editor's note: The rancorous catalogue copy breaks off abruptly at this point. We have repeatedly attempted to contact Anonymous to ask her/him to make at least one coherent statement about this book, but fortune did not smile upon us and we're left with this jumbled mess. Just buy the book, okay?

Problems with the Summer Olympics. Um, So Far
by Beth
Although far more bombastic and bitter than need be, this volume nonetheless manages to offer a few insights about the first week of the XVIIth Olympiad. The epilogue, entitled "Dear God, Please Let Me Corrupt Lenny Krayzelburg," is tasteless but amusing.
Chapter 1 First Problem: They're Held in the Fall
Chapter 2 The Male Swimsuit Tragedy: Take It OFF Already!!!
Chapter 3 The Hideous and Frightening Bodies of Gymnasts
Chapter 4 I Don't CARE Who's Triumphed over Adversity!


Send blank checks and pre-approved credit cards to Beth at Purchases are tax deductible if you're creative.

Earlier editions of the Schism University Press catalog:
Fall 1999
Winter and Christmas 1999
Spring and Summer 2000
Fall 2000