SCHISM UNIVERSITY PRESS
Fall 1999 Catalog
Part I: Books by Cops
*The Wit and Wisdom of Homicide*
Volume I: Frank Pembleton. "SIT *DOWN*!!!" and "Please don't be an idiot. Thank you very much" are only two of the many delightful quotations in this inaugural volume of the series.
Volume II: Mike Kellerman. Includes such timeless statements as "What?" and "You have the right to remain silent [BANG!]" Features a special section on the etymology of "snarky."
Available next season:
Volume III: Meldrick Lewis. This exciting companion to Vol. II contains the full text of the bear joke.
Volume IV: Tim Bayliss. "I don't want to be partners with you any more, Frank," and other passive-aggressive gems.
Beat Down, Gun Took: The Rene Sheppard Story. By Rene Sheppard
In untrained but amusing prose, this newest member of the homicide unit reveals how courage, cussedness, and the ceaseless repetition of a few key words helped her to overcome the trauma of losing her firearm to thugs.
Special color section: Hair Hints from Rene. Find out how excruciatingly tight pony tails can improve your job performance!
I Need a Man! By Laura Ballard
Det. Ballard's painfully honest memoir traces her lifelong struggle to get hold of a man--any man--to mate with.
I Don't Want To Talk About It. By Meldrick Lewis
Meldrick Lewis unveils his controversial theories about communication between partners.
Chapter 1 Avoidance: It Can Be a *Good* Thing Chapter 2 Denial: Let's Just Forget All About It, Okay?
Chapter 3 Selective Amnesia: We Weren't That Close Anyway Chapter 4 Getting a New Partner: Mike Who?
Baylisses Are from Baltimore, Pembletons Are from New York. By "T" and "F"
Is it possible for short-tempered and mercurial geniuses to get along with overly sensitive and highly emotional bisexuals? In this compelling study, "T" (author of the "Bayliss" chapters) and "F" (author of the "Pembleton" chapters) analyze what makes Pembletons and Baylisses so different and then start to pose a few strategies for effective communication between these seemingly incompatible personality types. The conclusion, written collaboratively by the two authors, ends rather abruptly, but the book nonetheless contains many valuable insights.
Difference Is Frightening and Bad. By Roger Gaffney and Stu Gharty
This straightforward and hard-hitting volume explains in detail how new parents can teach their children to hate black people and fear homosexuals. If you want to raise your child as a bigot but aren't quite sure how to go about it, this is the book for you!
"Loved it!"--David Duke
"If only *my* parents had had this when I was young." --G. Pratt
Maximum Overdrive: Effective Body Language in the Workplace. By Al Giardello
Lieutenant Al "Gee" Giardello reveals how an intricate system of body movements and gestures have contributed to his success in managing homicide cops. Includes extensive chapters on the blistering glare and the evil smile. A special section at the end of the book reveals highly effective strategies for conflict resolution such as sweeping the contents of a desktop onto the floor, pushing wimpy videographers down a flight of stairs, and repeatedly slamming folding chairs into rows of lockers.
Homicide His and Hers Guide to Fashion. By Tim Bayliss and Laura Ballard
Ever wonder how and why the cops in the Baltimore homicide unit always look so *great*? Tim Bayliss and Laura Ballard are here to reveal the sartorial secrets of Baltimore's best-dressed.
What's IN and what's OUT (from chapter 3):
clip-on sunglasses thingys, blue oxford button-down shirts, wearing different colors from time to time, going gray at the temples
oversized aviator shades, that checked shirt, wearing shades of brown only, buzz cuts you can see the scalp through
skin-tight sweaters, gogo boots and miniskirts, high- heeled boots
appropriate office attire, appropriate date attire, shoes you could actually chase a perp in
Part II: Books by Schismites
Butt Ramming, That's Right, Butt Ramming.* By Rachel. Afterword by Hayley Douglas
In her own inimitable and direct fashion, Schism co- founder Rachel examines the uses and abuses of sexual imagery in slash fiction. Douglas's Afterword provides valuable tips on what to do should your slash characters come to life and follow you around.
*Note: The staff of Schism University Press would like to have it known that we tried many, many times to get Ms. Rachel to change the title of this volume. When she signed her contract, in fact, Ms. Rachel claimed that the book would be called Tender Joinings: When One Man Loves Another Very Much. We would have immediately canceled our contract with Ms. Rachel had she not hired lawyer Darrin Russom and threatened to sue us from here to kingdom come.
"h" By Maggie
A cryptic message posted by the author on the Schism listserve is the starting point for this meditative reflection on the exact purpose of the "send" button in most e-mail programs.
No, It's *Not* Done Yet, So Just Leave Me Alone, Okay? By Valeria
Schism cofounder Valeria's guide on how to make writing a stress-free and light-hearted experience.
From Chapter 4: "The Kay/Scully Slashfic"
"I'm doing my *best* here, all right? You have absolutely no idea of the *pressure* I'm under--the horror of unrelenting *stress*!! And anyway, it was *Rachel's* project first!!"
Schism Great Debates Series
This series is intended to present the often contentious, always fascinating debates that have raged on the Schism list. Here you will find serious and contemplative arguments about *real* moral issues, not mere grousing or petty bickering. With characteristic aplomb and courage, Schism participants present the following to you.
Volume I: David Duchovny: Hot Babe or Total Asshole? Edited by Invisigoth Too and Valeria
Volume 2: Officer Chris Thormann: Is Our Hatred of Him Justified? Edited by Maggie
Volume 3: Terri Stivers and the Mahoney Shooting: Cowardly Tattletale or Woman of Principle?
Forthcoming from Schism Univ. Press
Formatting Your Story For Schism Archive, by Marti
[Title forthcoming] by Justine
Avoiding Impulsive Love Affairs, by Tim Bayliss I Was Never Engaged to That Woman, Miss McCoy, by John Munch
Gee, What a Huge Mistake, By Kay Howard
All books herein are available in cloth for a mere $9.00 per volume. Shipping and handling: $51.00. Send your checks to Beth I., Inmate #4429358, Jessup Prison. If you want your order to arrive extra fast, send in a blank check.
All book proposals are to be sent to Ms. I. There will be no review process and we cannot guarantee that your manuscript will be read.