JOHN MUNCH'S CINEMA FOR CINEASTES
Written by Valeria
(Aggressively tasteful musical intro. Establish under during credits:)
(MUNCH and KAY sit in flanking Alistair Cooke-style wing chairs; the set is covered in framed movie posters. MUNCH addresses the camera solemnly:)
MUNCH: Hello, and welcome to another edition of "Cinema for Cineastes"--the movie review show where we separate the masterworks of modern film from the product-placement detritus cluttering your local cineplex. Today, we're going to be discussing two European classics, currently in revival at the Baltimore Museum of Art...Luis Bunuel's scathing, sensual "Belle de Jour" and Wim Wenders's melancholy, evocative Euro-American travelogue "Alice in the Cities." You know, I think the first thing that... (He stops in mid-monologue when he hears KAY sighing impatiently) What? What is it?
KAY (waving a hand): Nothing, nothing...just do your little reviews, huh? (mumbles something under her breath)
MUNCH: *What?*
KAY: Okay...look. Just once, can we talk about a movie that someone might actually *want* to see?
MUNCH (genuinely bewildered): Kay, what are you talking about? These are masterpieces. Works of celluloid art. The finest products of a--
KAY: Boring, Munchkin. They're *boring.* Okay? Can we talk about a fun movie? Just this once?
MUNCH: A *fun* movie. (gets that winding-up-to-a-rant gleam in his eyes) Oh, *I* see. We can't talk about movies that actually have a scintilla of artistic merit because they're too *boring.* It takes too much *effort* to actually sit down and pay attention to what the director was trying to--you know, attitudes like that are why every damn so-called movie nowadays is an overblown, celebrity-stuffed, monosyllabic, senses-assaulting, overhyped, glorified Taco Bell commercial, you know that?
KAY: Look, I *said* just get your little reviews over with and then we can--
MUNCH: "Belle de Jour," Kay. A naked, twenty-three-year-old Catherine Deneuve being tied up and flogged is *boring* to you? That should be required viewing for every red-blooded boy in America-- (gives her "the look") And a few girls too, I might add!
KAY: Munch... (half-indulgent, half-impatient laugh) You know, you like to show off a little with this stuff, huh? Impress everybody with what a big intellectual it makes you? It's okay, there are worse sins than--
MUNCH: Kay, I am not showing off. I never show off. I happen to *like* long, meandering, subtitled meditations on life, death and the inherent absurdity of this shell game we call human existence--
KAY: Yeah, you and about three other people out there. This is a TV show, Munchkin, remember? It needs *ratings* if it's not gonna get canceled? (MUNCH folds his arms and pouts) So just go on and--Munch, c'mon, for God's sake quit pouting. Just do your--look at me when I'm talkin' to you, huh? Do your little reviews and then we'll get to the--
MUNCH: No, no--fine. We'll do it *your* way. Okay? Happy? (folds his arms even tighter, looks sulkier)
KAY: Munch--
MUNCH: I don't wanna.
KAY: Okay, fine! Suit yourself... (addresses the camera) Uh, okay--we both got to see sneak previews of two of the summer's most anticipated new movies: "Eyes Wide Shut" and "The Blair Witch Project." (turns to MUNCH) Munch?
MUNCH: *What?*
KAY: C'mon. "Eyes Wide Shut"? Stanley Kubrick? He's one of your big artistic directors, right?
MUNCH (arms still folded): "The Shining" was a blatant, cynical appeal to the forces of creeping bourgeois commercialism and--
KAY (yelling): Oh, for Christ's *sake!*
MUNCH: Okay, okay, fine. It had Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, America's favorite Boston marriage--
KAY: John? Watch it.
MUNCH: Truth is an absolute defense to slander, Kay. But anyway, it had Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, and that Matthew Sweet song--
KAY: Chris Isaak.
MUNCH: *Whatever.* And he's a doctor and she works in an art gallery...and, uh, we're really not allowed to say anything else about it until it's actually released. Right?
KAY: Uh, yeah. Right.
MUNCH: Then why the hell did you bring it up?
KAY (between clenched teeth): MUNCH!
MUNCH: Fine, fine..."The Blair Witch Project." Now, this was shot entirely with the use of Super-8 handheld cameras by an unknown indie director--
KAY (sidelong smile): So you *know* it's gotta be good.
MUNCH (glaring at her): As I was *saying,* by an unknown indie director, working from a largely improvised script. Three student filmmakers go into the Maryland countryside to investigate a local witch legend and, uh... (pause) They, uh, investigate it. I guess.
(another long pause)
KAY: Whaddaya mean, "you guess"? That's all you've got to say? It was *unbelievable!*
MUNCH: Yeah, yeah, okay--it was unbelievable!
KAY (enthusiastically): Okay, now that's what I meant, huh? It was *exciting!* It was fun! (pause) In an incredibly disturbing, nightmarish kinda way... (looks sidewise at MUNCH, who seems uncomfortable) What?
MUNCH: Nothing.
KAY: Well, I don't wanna--so what was *your* favorite part?
MUNCH: Uh... (pause) Well, that part where, uh...where they were in the woods, I guess.
KAY: Munch, that was pretty much the whole film.
MUNCH: Okay, well then I liked it all! (long pause, as KAY eyes him suspiciously) And, uh, I really liked that one part where...uh...
(very long pause, then MUNCH shouts defensively:) Fine, I got scared and left early, okay? So shoot me!
KAY (triumphant laughter): I *knew* it! I knew--you hid under the seat, didn't you? You hid under the--
MUNCH: Shut up! (KAY giggles wickedly) Fine, you do the rest of the reviews, okay? I obviously couldn't *handle* the job--
KAY (wiping her eyes): Munchkin, c'mon, relax. It's--Munch? Don't start pouting again. (MUNCH pouts) Fine--suit yourself, because we're just about outta time. Join us next time when Munch here does his salute to... (consults small slip of paper in her hand) Pier Paolo Pasolini? Am I readin' that right?
MUNCH: What do you care? It's all so *boring,* remember?
KAY: You're right, I don't. (tosses the paper away) Look, will you *stop* pouting?
MUNCH (pouting): I'm not. Now that you've thoroughly humiliated me in front of millions of people-- (KAY gives him a get-real look) Okay, thousands. Optimistically speaking. On a good day...okay, now that you've humiliated me in public, are you happy?
KAY: Look, you're the one who owned up to running out of the theater--
MUNCH: I did not *run* out of the theater. I made a quiet, dignified exit.
KAY (grinning): Hidin' your face in your jacket, right?
MUNCH: Shut up! (turns away in his chair)
KAY (getting up from her chair, standing over him with arms folded): C'mon, Munch, relax. It's no big deal. (no reply) Munchkin? Hmmm?
(no reply) Look, I'll make it up to ya. Come on over to my place tonight, we'll rent a couple of movies...how about a Kubrick film?
"Barry Lyndon." Okay? That's really non-commercial and dull, right?
You wanna come over and watch "Barry Lyndon"?
MUNCH (still looking away): We *can't* watch "Barry Lyndon"--the rental store doesn't have it.
KAY: Yeah. I know.
(Long pause, then MUNCH turns toward KAY, comprehension dawning slowly in his eyes)
MUNCH (to the camera): Okay, we're out of time--join us next week for another episode of "Cinema for Cineastes"!
(As aggressively genteel music plays and credits roll, MUNCH practically leaps from his chair, throwing an arm around KAY as they high-tail it from the set)
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (off-camera): Uh, what was that naked-chick movie you were talking about?
MUNCH (off-camera): Nothing! Forget it!
(the merciful END)
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